'Rain, rain go away, come back another day.' It has been raining all day, sometimes just a drizzle, at others time heavy rains. This morning when I took the dog out I noticed how gray everything appeared, the sky and everything around it. But as I took in the cool, fresh air, I noticed the muted colors of autumn. The rusts, reds, browns and yellows take on a different appearance in the rain. Even in the grayness, you can see splashes of color.
Grief is like gray, rainy days. After the shock has warn off, denial has finally taken a hiatus, we go into the grayness and darkness of grieving. We seem to be surrounded by it, it is as if no light could possibly penetrate it. The sun seems like a far off source of light that we cannot see through the thickness of the clouds. The rain of course are the tears, some days they trickle or don't come at all, and other days, we can't seem to stop them.
Tears, like rain, are so very necessary. The rain provides needed water for plants, animals, and of course for our basic needs, we couldn't live without it. Rain also washes away debris, and other waste, it has a cleansing effect. Tears are so very similar, they allow us to release pent up emotions, it gives us a way to express what we are feeling, and once are tears are spent, an easing of our burdens. We wash away some of the hurt, cleansing us.
Do our tears take it all away? How I wish! But I know that when I have allowed my self to cry, truly cry, I have felt better. I may and often do feel tired and drained, but I must remember there is a lot bottled up inside me.
The months following Rachel's death, I would cry almost non-stop. The only time I would hold in the tears was if I felt that I was on display. What do I mean? Well, there were times that I felt people found it amusing, if you will, to see my raw emotions. I am also a very stubborn person at times, and I would not let people see me cry. So of course, at night when the rest of the world was asleep, I would be up for hours, just crying. This privacy allowed me to really have a good cry, a cleansing cry, it was my time to let the dam burst.
In time, I began to cry even when others were watching. I learned not to care what they thought of my crying, I learned that all my stubbornness and trying to be strong, just left me so drained and tired. I also felt that if they didn't understand, there wasn't anything I could do about it. I tried my best to be discreet, but in those first few months, and even in the first couple of years, it didn't take much to make me cry. I still have days that trigger tears.
I remember just a couple of years ago, I had gone to a Hallmark store to buy some greeting cards. I was just looking around the store, when a spotted a display of Willow Tree sculptures. When Rachel died I received of few of these as gifts, and I had given some as gifts as well. For those of you not familiar with these figurines, they are faceless sculptures. The beauty of these sculptures, is that you interpret them to be what you want, what you would like them to represent, therefore making them very personal to you. I noticed a sculpture, it was the figure of a mother and daughter. The sculpture was called the Chrysalis, and the mother has her arms around the daughter, but the daughter is facing the world, ready to take flight. Ready to become a young woman.
Now I am in the middle of this card shop, I can feel the tears starting, so I hurriedly pick up the piece and head to the cashier. I am not succeeding in holding back the tears, and a few start to escape. Now the young man behind the cash register, is looking worried. 'Are you okay? I say yes, it's just somethings can make me cry and try to laugh it off. It's not working, finally I just look at him, and tell him that the figurine reminds me of a very special moment in my life and I leave it at that. I finish paying for my purchase and beat a hasty retreat. I am out of there, get into my car, and literally break into uncontrollable sobbing. I just sit there, hoping no one thinks I am in trouble, and ride out this wave of emotion.
I still have my moments, not as intense as that one, but occasionally I will find myself breaking down and really crying. It's been four years since Rachel's death, and I am sure that it will take me a life time before, I can truly say I wont cry anymore.
So yes there will be days when, like the rain, the tears will come. Sometimes just a watering up of the eyes, at others, the tears will just run down your face. It is needed, not always welcomed, but necessary. Just like the rain, we know we need it, life cannot be sustained with out it, but we don't necessarily like when it interferes with our plans, or leaves us feeling gray and gloomy.
In time, the sun does appear, and the grayness seems to dissolve away, and the dull colors become bright again. We begin to see the hope through our tears, we begin to allow them to heal us, to free us of all we hold within. The clouds begin to clear and we again bask in the light of hope, and love. We know they have gone, but we embrace their presence in our hearts, and allow their love to shine in our lives.
Blessings! and until we meet again.