Support Group Article

Recently the support group I facilitate was highlighted in our local diocesan newspaper 'The Anchor.' 

Making great strides to help others as they struggle to make sense of all the confusion that often comes with the death of a loved one.  Through our own losses, we can often find the strength to reach out to others with compassion and empathy, not because we have become experts, but because we have come to understand our loss and that this is not a journey to be taken alone.

The following is the link to the article:

Photo by Rose Mary Saraiva

http://anchornews.org/news/june-2013/june_7_2013_2.php

Taking that First Step!

Why is grief so hard to talk about?  Why do people try to act like it doesn't exist?  Or worse yet, if it is not acknowledged, it will eventually go away!  If only that last statement were true!

The only way to handle grief is to talk about it, to express those feelings, to give some sort of direction to the confusion that you feel, and to just know you are not alone.  Grief exists, it does not simply go away or vanish into thin air if people act like it never happened.  For me, it has been almost seven years now since Rachel passed away, and I still talk about missing her, and wishing she were here right now.  My pain has eased, and the grief no longer is debilitating, but there is still a longing.  Gratefully this longing has been filled by a deep knowledge that my daughter walks beside me each and every day, a constant presence in my life. 

What helped me then, and continues to help, was finding a person or persons who were willing to just listen, even when my words were mere ramblings.  People who let me share my story and Rachel's story, people who did not judge or look down at me because of my words and actions.  Individuals who looked beyond the outer trappings of my grief, recognizing the hurting person within my outward shell. 

It is not always easy to find such support, but one must keep searching, eventually you will find a person or persons who willingly walk beside you.  These individuals can range from family members, close friends or even strangers.  They can come in the form of counseling or support groups. They can be found in your work, school or faith community.  Hospitals, doctors and other health care facilities offer help or can direct you to support systems.  The key is to take that first step, and utter those words that for me were one of the hardest to say, "I need help!"  "I can't do this alone." 

Even after admitting I needed help, it took me several times before fear, anger and pushing my pride aside, allowed me to let the help I so desperately needed to begin to bear fruit.  It took three sessions with my counselor to finally realize she only wanted to help.  It took three attempts before I finally walked into my first support group.  And it took two or three sessions before I felt comfortable enough to share with the group. 

Anything that alters our lives in any way, requires us to re-adjust routines, or creates a change in us, takes time.   Regardless of the cause of the changes, we have to face our hopes and dreams, our fears and uncertainties, and sometimes learn to walk all over again.  Taking baby steps, until we are able to walk boldly and even begin to run again. 

Remember to give yourself time and to give that helping hand a chance to make a difference in your life.  Don't be afraid to meet it half way, or if that is hard, to allow it all the way into your life. 

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Rachel's Here!

It's been a while since I have posted, life just gets a little hectic sometimes.  I have been facilitating a bereavement support group, started contributing to a local newspaper and taking classes, no excuse but it has been crazy. 

In all my busyness however, Rachel is never far from my thoughts, her presence is felt each and every waking moment, and occasionally in a dream or two.  It seems that as I step further into acceptance, she is so much more present to me.  It is hard to explain, it is a heart-felt knowledge, it does not mean I don't miss her, trust me, I do, it is just that I know she is with me.  It is as if our hearts are communicating, her soul is reaching out and hugging mine. 

When I share this with others, they will smile, shake their heads, but often I see uncertainty, a silent, really!  Yet when I speak to others who have been on this wild roller coaster ride longer, they fully understand what I am talking about, they know exactly what I mean. 

How did I get to this place?  There is no exact time frame, no aha moment, it just seemed to be a slow awareness.  One thing I do know, is I began to truly sense her presence when I started to let go.  Let me tell you, that was one of the hardest things to do.  Like so many I have spoken to, the letting go was the scariest time of all.  All of a sudden you realize that a few years have slipped away, your loved one has been 'gone' now for a while; and you have somehow began to live again.  Suddenly, you panic, you begin to wonder - am I forgetting them?  What if I can't remember what they looked like, sounded like, felt like, etc., what if I can't remember anything at all about them? 

As your wrestle with these new found fears, you find yourself slipping backwards just a little.  For me there were fresh tears, sleepless nights, and confusion.  It was by no means, debilitating, just a slow oozing from healing wounds.  It was as, if there were pain again, I wouldn't forget, I would be reminded, Rachel would not be slipping away. 

As I faced these fears, yet again, I began to let go, to trust that somehow I would be okay.  As for the day or time, was I doing a certain thing, was I at a specific location...I couldn't say.  All I know was that suddenly my fears seemed to subside, and I begin to not only believe those words I would say to everyone; 'Rachel is always with me,' I was now feeling and sensing her presence.  A comfort began to envelope me lending credence to the Bible passage "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Mt 5:4); as I felt a renewed sense of purpose, a newly found strength, and an awareness that I could now truly help others who were mourning.  After all, I had survived, and made it some how, I had come through the darkness.

This rebirth of sorts gave me so much to look forward to, knowing that no matter what lies ahead Rachel is not and will not be forgotten (at least not by me).  This new person that I have become, will truly never be the same person she was 7 years ago, and hopefully the lessons learned have taught me well.  Yes, there will still be so many events and firsts in my life, that I will feel the sadness that Rachel is not physically present to share them with us.  But my heart now knows that she is and will always be present.  My family and I just recently were seated around the dinner table, talking, laughing and playing a board game, when suddenly through all the laughter, we heard Rachel's laughter.  We all heard it, and each of us looked at each other and said, Rachel's here.  

So do not worry, your loved one is very much a part of your life, and in time you too, will begin to listen, hear and see with your heart.  Your very essence, your soul, will begin to feel your loved one in ways that will bring you comfort, will surround you in love, filling you with a peace you never thought you would know again.  Letting go, letting them live their new life, does not mean they will be forgotten, on the contrary, they will be an intricate part of your very being.

Remember, you are not alone, those we loved and lost walk beside us each and every day.  

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Merry Christmas Rachel

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!  

The holidays can be difficult, as so many things can trigger memories.  For me, even though this is the seventh Christmas without Rachel, I still have a hard time.  In the wee hours of Christmas morning, I found myself unable to sleep, truly missing my daughter.  As the tears flowed unbidden, I longed to have her near.  

Recent events of the tragedy that befell Sandy Hook has reminded me of what is missing in my life.  As I thought of all those parents, both young and old, who this holiday would not be able to watch their child open gifts, my heart sank.  My heart longed to reach out to them, knowing full well the emptiness that is staring them squarely in the face.  Of unopened gifts, of promises broken, dreams left unfulfilled, and of all the doubt and confusion that we are left with.  

As a parent, the loss of a child is beyond anything we can explain, it is a hurt and pain that we carry with us always.  Each passing year eases the ache, but we still feel the absence.  Yet, in my hurt I feel the warmth of Rachel's love, her endearing presence, and I know in my heart of hearts that she is near, that she is with me always.  

A beautiful song was sung at the Christmas Eve Mass, that pulled at my heart strings: 

 When Love Was Born by Mark Schultz

Starlight shines, the night is still
Shepherds watch from a hill
I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

Perfect child gently waits
A mother bends to kiss God's face
I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

Angels fill the midnight sky, they sing
Hallelujah, He is Christ, our King

Emmanuel, Prince of peace
Loves come down for you and me
Heaven's gift, the holy spark
To let the way inside our hearts

Bethlehem, through your small door
Came the hope we've waited for
The world was changed forevermore
When love was born

I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

As I listen to the lyrics, as I tried to sing along, the words of the second stanza gripped me, and all I could think of was the night Rachel was born, and how an unbelievable love had entered into my life.  The love of mother and child, a love that allows us to look beyond any imperfection to see, truly see, the beauty that lies within.  A love that reaches beyond the the grave, a love that conquers all, a love that even death cannot diminish, but rather grows even stronger.

Rachel, like your loved one, may be gone from sight, but the love that permeates our very being, lets us know that they are very near.  That they are very much a presence in our lives, and that we are forever changed, because they were a major part of it.  It is the memories that they created, that help me and so many others, face the holidays and special events.  It is the cherished traditions, and the start of new ones dedicated to the memory of our loved one, that see us through.  Let these memories bring you comfort, let them fill you with love and joy, and if they bring a tear or two, let them flow; allow the healing to begin.

Merry Christmas Rachel, and to all those who are spending their first Christmas in heaven.  Let your love pour down on us all, keep us all safe, and hold us gently as we travel through our grief.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults

Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults

Let Their Light Shine

As so many of you are very much aware of, this nation has been rocked by the tragic events in Connecticut.  So many innocent lives lost, so many hearts broken, so many arms left empty.  Since last Friday's news, my heart has continuously ached, there is a heaviness I cannot seem to shake, and I am reminded of how precious and fleeting our lives truly are.  Somber reminders that we need to live each day as if this is our last, to love unconditionally, and to be present, truly present to those that matter in our lives.

Losing a child is by far one of the hardest things to face, parents just DON'T bury their children, it should always be the other way around.  Yet, I have learned personally that life does not follow or obey the rules.  We live by life's whims and begin to learn to live, fully live in the moment, taking no one for granted.  These past few days are strong reminders of what I have loved and lost, of missing and longing, of wanting just one more glimpse of my daughter.  Yet, I feel her presence even more, I know she is very near, as I type, her smiling face stares back at me from the photo on my desk, reminders that my life has been forever changed.  A reminder that I would not have wanted it any other way, that the gift I was given the day she was born, cannot be taken from me, and that my life is forever enriched because she was a part of it.  

Twenty-seven people lost their lives this past Friday, and countless others have also been taken violently from us, let us not forget, let us keep them all in our prayers, and let us strive to help each other heal.  Let us continue to pray that as a nation we address the key issues that were the underlying causes of such a tragedy, in the hopes of preventing this scene from ever happening again. 

There are always lessons to be learned, there are always I told you so's and what if's, but these are irrelevant in light of what has happened.  Let us look at the pain and suffering of all those impacted by this tragedy, the families, the emergency personnel, faculty, community and it's surrounding neighbors; let us care for these, be a reassuring presence, a beacon of hope and forgo our judgements and assumptions.  Let us keep in mind that these families have faced the unfathomable, their minds have played out and will continue to play out this tragic scene in their heads, until they finally come to peace with it.  Until then, we all need to be a comfort to them, a willing ear allowing them to share their stories and their loved ones stories, assuring them that their loved one truly matters and is not forgotten.  

As a parent, my greatest fear was that my daughter would be forgotten, that Rachel would fade into the sunset.  It is for this very reason that for me and countless others, we remember, we say the 'Name' over and over again, and we want you to ask about them.  Yes, it may bring a tear to our eyes, we may be sad for a moment, but the greatest sadness for me at least, was thinking no one cared or that Rachel was forgotten.  As these families face the dark days ahead, please be gentle with them, please allow them to grieve in the only way they can and know how to.  Many of us who have experienced profound loss understand all to well the need to go through the grief, to cry, to scream, to be angry and to just be.  

No two people experience grief in the same way even if the loss is the same, and for this reason, we must not impose are own misconceptions of the grieving process, but allow them to muddle their way through.  Grief is definitely hard work and no one can do it for us.  As a wise professor once told me, 'we hurt because we love, if we did not love, there would be no pain.'  But who among us, would have wanted to miss out on the love, for all the pain in the suffering, I would not have given up one precious moment with my daughter.  

Remember to allow yourself to grieve, be good to YOU, take care of YOU, and do not be afraid to reach out to others.  No one has to go it alone.  Trust me when I say it, the hardest thing for me, was reaching out for help, but when I finally came to the conclusion that I could not handle it on my own, was the day I let the healing begin. 

My thoughts and prayers are with every family member as they face the unimaginable, as they prepare to say good-bye to their beloved child and loved one.   Know that even though I may be miles away, I stand beside you in spirit and in love.  May their lives continue to shine through each and every one of us. 

Blessings! and until we meet again.

That First Step

'The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.' Confucius

That is the same for the grieving, we can only and should only take one day at a time, and when necessary one moment at a time. Some days we will get further, seem to be taking longer strides, and yet others, we are unable to get up, let alone begin to walk. 

Grief is a journey, it's path not always clear, but there is a destination, there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. You and I will and do survive, we just need to give ourselves time. Time to heal, to accept, to begin to live again, to be who we are becoming. It is not easy, it is not a short trip, and it gets frightening and messy at times, and that's okay. Just allow yourself to deal with your emotions, don't bottle them up, or push them aside. Face them, name them, do whatever it takes - this is a 'single step' bringing you closer to healing. 

Be good to you, take care of yourself, and above all, know that you have earned the right to grieve, it is after all, all about YOU! and what your are experiencing. We may understand each others loss, but the pain and hurt is as unique as you are, and none of us knows what you are going through. But you are not alone, and there is always someone willing to listen and simply hold your hand. A friend, family member, counselor, support group or any combination, can help you during this difficult time in your life. 

Do not be afraid to reach out to others for help...do not be afraid to take that first step.

Blessings! until we meet again.