tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84732709512049994052024-02-19T11:10:54.466-05:00Living with GriefSharing my journey through grief, in the hopes of helping others.Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.comBlogger178125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-33081242017763492452016-02-10T14:45:00.001-05:002016-02-10T14:45:45.470-05:00They Just Don't Get It<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Recently I was asked why some people 'just don't get it.' Often we come across people who seem so cold and callous, as if impervious to the feelings of others, yet we know they have experienced similar losses. One of the basic needs of a griever is to feel and express the gamut of emotions that flood them during a difficult time. Maya Angelou once said: '<i>There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.' </i> Grief is hard work, it takes time and requires our full attention at first. When we choose to ignore it, eventually it will rear its ugly head, and often at the strangest times. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>The key with grieving is our ability to 'share our story.' This is a time when we need to reach out to others, find a listening ear, and let our story spill out. When we bottle up our feelings and emotions, these suppressed feelings begin to eat away at us. How often have you tried to hold back tears and found yourself having a difficult time swallowing because you could feel a huge lump in your throat, or have an unbearable heaviness in your chest and shoulders. There is a price we pay for not working through our grief. Yet so many individuals (often through no fault of their own), have pushed aside the hurt and emotions that come with the death of a loved one in hopes of getting on with their lives that much faster. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>These are the individuals who sometimes come across as impatient with others who they perceive as 'wallowing' in their grief. These are individuals who have in fact experienced the death of a loved one themselves, but did not fully enter into their grief. For those of us who reach out to these individuals hoping they can shed light on our own sorrow, we find ourselves stopped by a protective barrier of their own design. They too may have reached out to someone during their sorrow, only to be pushed back and in turn that is all they know. The lesson they may have learned about grieving is that it is a private 'thing' and 'no one really wants to hear it.' </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Fortunately for so many of us, the media has been more in tune with the emotions and realities of grief, and more and more shows and movies address the aftermath of loss. For <i>Downtown Abbey</i> followers, Tom and Mary found that they could talk to each other about their subsequent losses and how it felt to be alone, and the confusion that surrounds us when we have lost someone we love. The TV series <i>Madam Secretary </i>touched upon the many facets of grief, and how even within our own families there can be so much turmoil, confusion and conflict, especially if the death was suspicious or a suicide. There have been a multitude of movies that broach the subject of death, and life after death. <i>Ghost</i> showed us that the love does not die with our loved one; <i>Field of Dream</i>s demonstrated how we can be inspired by those we love even after their deaths. The list goes on and on, there are so many more that speak of death and how we react to those losses. At <a href="http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-movies-about-grief-and-loss/" target="_blank">whatsyourgrief.com,</a> you can find a list of just some of these movies, with additional movies listed by those commenting on the blog post.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Yet so many people will do everything they can to avoid the feelings and emotions that run wild during our grief; only to find them surfacing months or even years later. Sadly for many individuals in order to suppress their feelings, they turn to other means of coping, which too often are unhealthy and can have devastating outcomes. Many have told me that they began using substances such as drugs or alcohol to continue achieving a numbness, in hopes of not feeling and avoiding the pain that follows a loss. Other <a href="http://www.indiana.edu/~engs/hints/addictiveb.html" target="_blank">addictive behaviors </a>can also be used to avoid the seesaw ride of emotions in hopes that it will all go away. Shopping, gambling, promiscuity, Internet, etc.; just about anything that begins to take on a life of its own causing us to fore go all other activities and/or other people. Activities and behaviors which take us down paths that result in further losses and emotional turbulence. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>We have so many choices in life, and what we do with these choices dictate the outcomes. We are all creations of the environments we grew up in, but that does not mean we need to continue repeating what we learned. How we cope is learned from those we observed and looked up to, what we do with the lessons we learned is up to us. It is true that each and everyone of us grieves in a totally distinct way, but the important factor here, is to grieve. We need to grieve, we need to enter into those feelings and emotions, we need to allow ourselves to be angry, sad, happy, confused, and every other emotion in between. There are certain rights of mourners, and so often we choose to ease the uncomfortableness of others and disregard our own right to mourn and grieve. In grief, we often forget we are the one that is going through the sadness and hurt of losing someone we love, and forget to give ourselves the permission we need to enter into that loss. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Too often we allow the misconception and misguidance of others to decide on how we should proceed through this maze of loss. We even get mixed signals and directions from those who we know have been there before us. The best advice I and many others can give to anyone who is joining the ranks of the bereaved, is to educate yourself about grief. There are so many helpful websites, such a <a href="http://thegrieftoolbox.com/" target="_blank">The Grief Toolbox</a> and <a href="http://griefnet.org/">Griefnet.org</a>, and dedicated sites for those with specific types of loss, such as: <a href="http://survivorsofsuicide.com/">SurvivorsofSuicide.com</a> and <a href="http://survivorsofhomicide.com/">SurvivorsofHomicide.com</a>. There are a multitude of sites that can at least help you find some answers and explanations as to what you are experiencing, and that let you know you are not alone. When my daughter Rachel died, it was sites such as these that kept me afloat. Forums, blogs and informational sites helped me realize that what I was experiencing, feeling and doing where normal and natural reactions to the death of my daughter; and that I had nothing to feel ashamed of or hide from. In educating myself, I was able to work through my loss, deal with the people who 'didn't get it,' and regain a sense of normalcy in my upturned world. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>The most important thing to remember is that you have suffered through the loss of someone you loved, someone who has been a part of your life, and has left an indelible mark on your heart. You have the right to mourn and grieve for this person and no one can take that away from you. For this very reason so many sites list the <i><a href="http://life-after-loss.com/mourners-code" target="_blank">Mourner's Code</a></i> or <i><a href="http://sandiego-therapist.com/2013/01/the-grievers-bill-of-rights/" target="_blank">Griever's Bill of Rights</a></i>, written by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., Center for Loss and Life Transition (<a href="http://www.centerforloss.com/">www.centerforloss.com</a>), because we and others need to be reminded that we have earned the right to grieve. Humans have grieved since the beginning of time and continue to do so, until we ourselves die. This has been such an integral part of humanity, that rites, rituals and customs have been created and instituted by every race, creed and belief system to help us cope with our losses. So the next time you come across someone who is unsympathetic or lacks compassion, let it go, and just remind yourself that they <i>'just don't get it!' </i>Someday maybe they will, and hopefully with the knowledge and experience you gained, you will be there to help them.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.<i> </i></b></span><br />
<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-85675747244073099742016-02-01T14:31:00.002-05:002016-02-01T14:39:13.139-05:00It's been A While<span style="color: #0c343d;">Lately there have been so many deaths that leave a person questioning 'Why?'. As a grief and support group facilitator, I have helped individuals who have suffered through the death of a loved one. Many of those who I have worked with want a quick solution to the pain they are feeling or want to know how long before they will get over it. Alas, there is no quick fix, no magic pill, or easy way out. Grief is hard work, difficult to avoid and it takes time. But those of us who have stuck in our heels and rolled up our sleeves, have found that the pay off is well worth the struggle. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">When it comes to time, there is no rushing it and it will take as much time as <b>YOU</b> require; there is no preset time frames or measured length. Looking back after the loss of my daughter, for me it was a good three years before I can honestly say I was fully functional. What I mean by this, is that I had learned to accept that Rachel was gone, but yet she was closer to me than ever before. I could go through the day thinking of her without having to run and hide, or breaking into uncontrollable sobs. It was also at this point, that I realized that listening to someone else's pain and grief did not send me back into a fetal position, as it had so many times before. Yes it still hurt to know that Rachel was gone, and I still feel the ache of her absence even almost 10 years later, but it is a not a crippling, stop-me-in-my-tracks, kind of hurting.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">Anyone who has had any major loss knows, that you truly never get over the loss of your loved one, you just learn how to live without them in your life. Yet, some how some way that is hard to explain unless you have gone through it yourself, they become a bigger part of your life. They go from the physical existence to a place of love that you keep in your heart. That place in your heart that knows that love truly never dies. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">So why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like the winds been knocked out of me? Why? <i><b> Love!</b></i> Love is the reason it hurt so much. We feel this way because someone we loved so dearly is gone and we miss what they represented in our lives. We feel empty and alone and that somehow it just isn't fair. Often I will hear words such as 'I needed more time' or 'it wasn't enough time,' and 'I didn't get to say good-bye.' Yet would anyone of us be willing to give up what we had as a trade off
for not hurting. I can't speak for the rest of you, but I would not
want to have missed a moment with my daughter, and given the outcome, I
would gladly do it all again. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">Grief is a necessary part of healing. If we are willing to allow ourselves to go through the process of grief, we emerge on the other side of it, with a new sense of who we are and what we value in life. For the willing pupil, grief is a remarkable teacher. Robert Browning Hamilton's poem <b><i>'I Walked A Mile With Pleasure'</i></b> sums up what so many of us have learned about grieving...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><i>I walked a mile with Pleasure;<br />
She chatted all the way;<br />
But left me none the wiser<br />
For all she had to say.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><i>I walked a mile with Sorrow,<br />
And ne’er a word said she;<br />
But, oh! The things I learned from her,<br />
When sorrow walked with me.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">For me, I learned empathy,compassion and how to step back at truly look at a situation from every angle. This has not only helped me, but now I have come to help others. As I share with those I help, the benefits are two-fold, not only I am helping others through their grief, but I am also helping myself as well. Each time their is participation and sharing in the group setting, I am reminded of how far I have come since the loss of my daughter. For those who attend the group, I am visible proof that even though the struggle is real, you do make it and if you allow it to, you can become a better version of your old self. Will you ever be the same again? <i>No!,</i> because the person you were before the death of you loved one, has been transformed in ways that others may not understand or see. These are not physical changes, but internal changes. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">Most of us recognize the changes in ourselves by the way we view our world and those around us. We may be more aware of the sights and sounds, colors appear more vivid; we find ourselves leaning in a bit closer when a family member or friend is speaking; we may linger a few seconds longer over a cup of coffee when we are with someone we care about. Subtle enough for others to miss, but profound enough to impact our lives and way of thinking. We may also find that we lack patience with trivialities and nonsense that once consumed us, looking instead to what brings value and meaning into our lives.. There are a multitude of ways in which we adapt and change after the death of a loved one, and what we do with these changes is entirely up to us. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">The key to healing is sharing the stories (theirs and ours); expressing our feelings and emotions; giving ourselves permission to grieve, and allowing ourselves to take the time necessary to heal. For those who find it difficult to open up to family and friends or get the sense that they don't want to hear it again; support groups, grief facilitators, counselors, ministers, etc., are all resources that you can tap into that can help. These are all safe environments where you can share, listen and know that others understand, and are willing to walk with you during this time of grieving. One thing to remember is that you are not alone, others have been there before, and so many are willing to help you go through it. Look around you, someone is holding out their hand, do not be afraid to reach out and take the hand that is offered. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">Our grief is unique and no one truly knows what you are going through even if their loss is similar, but what they do know, is the pain and isolation when can feel when their grieving. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;">Blessings! Until we meet again.</span></div>
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Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-36779758501097403112015-05-07T14:18:00.001-04:002015-05-07T15:26:33.315-04:00Library - 5 Ways to Remember Mom - Managing Grief on Mother’s Day - Dignity Memorial<a href="http://www.dignitymemorial.com/en-us/library/article/name/5-ways-to-remember-mom#.VUuseoqKyQA.blogger">5 Ways to Remember Mom - Managing Grief on Mother’s Day - Dignity Memorial</a>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-91831254961922175762014-08-14T15:57:00.001-04:002014-08-14T15:57:58.113-04:00What Advice Would You Give to Another<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Recently I challenged those in the support group to share what advice they would give to someone who had just lost a loved one. The answers varied depending on how long it had been since their loved one had died. My hope is that you will find some of the experiences these individuals have come to understand insightful to you.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>As we began the sharing you heard some deep sighs as those present gave it much thought, but slowly they began to share imparting their new found wisdom on those who had just joined us. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><b>One participant began by sharing that you need to give yourself time; time to let it sink in; time to adjust to the changes in your life; time for yourself and most importantly time to go through the range of emotions. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>This is so very true, we find ourselves "rushed" through everything we do in life. We rush to appointments, we hurry to get to work or class on time, we look for the shortest line in the grocery store, etc., etc. But when it comes to grief, we begin to learn that in order to heal, we need to give ourselves time; a commodity that is in short supply. In grief, time is a relative word, because each of us requires different time-frames, and there are no rules or time frames when it comes to grieving. It requires us to be patient with ourselves, understanding that there will be days when we need to stop and allow the emotions to run their course. Days when all are good intentions are dashed away by some infinite trigger that turns us into a confused, emotional blob. Days when we come to the realization that we are becoming someone new as we adapt to the new life we have been thrown into. All this effort and work takes time, and in grief it is important to remember to take all the time you need, regardless of what society, family, friends and co-workers are telling you. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><b>Another participant said that they would strongly recommend that they seek out others who would at least understand, by joining support groups and going to counseling. Further adding that they would also recommend that when ready, to seek out activities that would give them something to look forward to each day. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Sage advice from someone who is hurting. The key message here is that none of us needs to go it alone, there are many others who have experienced what we are experiencing; who have an understanding of what it means to lose someone we love; who gets it. Joining support groups are a great way of sharing our stories and that of our loved ones, as well as listening to others; helping us to realize that others may be feeling the same way. It also provides us with a safe environment that allows us to share thoughts, feelings and emotions; in a non-judgmental setting. Counseling also gives us a safe place to fully express ourselves and many grievers will do both - get one-on-one counseling and join a local support group, finding that one lends itself to the other. The goal is to find a support system that will be there for you on those difficult days and times during your grief. And when you feel ready, finding activities that allow you to do things you love, helps you regain focus and gives you a renewed sense of purpose. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>It is important to remember that grief is hard work, it does take time, and it will get messy. Learning all we can about what we are going through, about grief and its emotional and physical manifestations, can help us make some sense out of the chaos. We need to be good to ourselves, taking it one day at a time, and if that seems like too much to handle, taking one moment at a time. Learning to be patient with ourselves and the new person we are becoming with all its growing pains. Coming to the knowledge that we are not alone, nor do we have to go it alone. And realizing that we are not demonstrating weakness by shedding tears or asking for help, but rather, demonstrating great courage by doing so. Grief can make us feel so terribly isolated, as if we are afloat on a vast sea, but that does not have to be the case. There are beacons of hope all around us, we just need to believe that there are others who understand. The only thing that is required from us, is to simply stretch out our hand, trusting that someone will grasp it, hold on tight and guide us into a safe harbor. There we will find all the encouragement and hope we need. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span><br />
<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-25389008556257787662014-07-25T09:57:00.000-04:002014-07-25T09:57:26.609-04:00Allow Yourself to Feel<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Why are we so afraid to express our feelings? What prevents us from releasing our pain, our sorrow? Sadly, we live in a society that inhibits us, unless of course we are feeling happy, and have no cares in the world. But even when we are feeling elated, we keep those emotions at bay as well. Are we so afraid of letting others know how we feel, that we forget to feel.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Grief tugs at all those societal taboos that we have learned or experienced. In grief the heeling begins when we start to share our story, when we allow the emotions to run their course. Suppressing them only adds to our pain, and in time, whether we like it or not, they rear their ugly head, forcing us to face them. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>In the early days of my grief, I tried to remain strong, keeping it together. At first it wasn't too difficult, after all the shock I was experiencing kept me safely cocooned from the harsh reality. But eventually that too went away, and I was left standing at a precipice trying to decide which way to turn. Where could I hide? What could I do to escape this pain? So many choices, so much to deal with. After weeks of uncertainty and confusion, I began to give in to the emotions that would not relent. Slowly at first, trying to control them, allowing (so I thought) the tears to fall only when no one was looking. It became quite evident early on that this was impossible. My emotions would flood over me, taking all my willpower with them, leaving me in an exhausted heap of tears. To tired to fight, I would succumb to these "bouts" of uncontrollable tears, rage, quilt, and every other emotion that one could think of. I felt like one big jumbled up mess. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>But what I did not realize at the time, was that my body was doing what it needed to make sense of my new reality. By allowing myself to release those emotions I was keeping locked up inside me, I was allowing myself to begin to heal. Each new tear that fell, each moment of speaking my thoughts and fears, and every time I allowed my body to succumb to the emotional roller coaster, brought me closer to healing. It was not a continuous healing process, there where many, many days where I felt I was slipping backward, as if everything was beginning a new. It was as if I feared if I "got better" I would forget Rachel, after all she had died, and I had no right to be happy again, to laugh again, to enjoy simple things again. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Yet I did feel moments of happiness, especially when looking at photographs and recalling the times when Rachel had brought so much joy and happiness into my life. At first foreign sounding to my ears, laughter did return, aided by remembering those moments that Rachel would make us all laugh until our sides would hurt. Yes, with these memories tears would flow, but it was the memories, the reminders of a life lived that helped me move in a new direction; a new life without Rachel physically in it. Like the releasing and sharing of my feelings and emotions, the memories too, helped me heal. They helped me to accept the reality that had become my life, helped me to let go of her death and truly grasp onto what her life had meant to me, to my family and to all who had been privileged to know her. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Speaking Rachel's name, and hearing it spoken, was music to my ears. This simple gesture, helped ease my fears that she would be forgotten. Finding individuals that not only allowed me to cry, but allowed me to share her story, my story, helped me make sense of it all. There is a wonderful quote that I came upon just recently that sums up this last statement so well: <i> "A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile."</i> (Lessons Learned in Life) Grief is not a journey that we must travel alone, finding others who give us the space we need to express ourselves, to cry without trying to stop us, and to simply hold our hands when no words can be spoken, is truly an asset. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Many of us may not have someone whom we feel we can be candid with, or comfortable enough to lay bare our vulnerability, your task is to seek out someone who will. There are so many ways we can find help. There are counselors and grief therapists, support groups and local faith communities that are available. If you cannot find a local group, there are so many online communities that have ongoing forums and chat groups. Speak to your primary care physician, he or she can direct you and help you find what you need. Your local hospitals and hospice agencies may also be a source of information. The important thing to remember here is that we only can begin to heal when we begin to express our emotions, share our story, talk about our loved one, and allow the tears (or what ever emotions that well up) to flow. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>There are so many of us who have experienced the death of a loved one, who are willing to listen, or to simply just sit for a while, to be a presence and a beacon of hope. Individuals who serve as proof that this storm will pass, that we will make it through that rocky shore, and find ourselves standing once again in a place of peace and calm. A place where we will embrace the life that our loved one possessed and the gifts that they brought into ours. A place where we have a keen awareness of their presence in our lives, and can feel their love wrapping us in a warm embrace, letting us know that they are still with us. Love has a beautiful way of reminding us that no matter what events take place in our lives, what upheavals may occur, we are gifts to each other. Love conquers all, and it is because of love that we hurt, that we feel, but I would not trade anything in this world for the love I felt and still feel for Rachel and all my deceased loved ones. Nor would any of you trade what you had with your loved one, their loved filled your life and continues to fill it still. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Let love guide you through this time in your life, and allow yourself to express and share your feelings and emotions. Allow yourself to feel. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span><br />
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<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-29751995172061388842014-07-18T09:50:00.000-04:002014-07-18T09:50:48.231-04:00You Should be So Over this By Now.<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>So many times I am asked the question, "When will I get over this?" With grief, the sadness of losing someone does not completely go away, what we learn however, is to adapt to our new lives. Often I will hear a comment that is worrisome from family or close friends of the griever, they will say something like it has been 6 months already, or it is going on 2 years, they should be totally over this by now. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>These comments send a mixed message to the griever, they are left feeling as if something is wrong with them, they can't be normal. How can they be, when everyone that knows them well keeps telling them they should have seriously moved on already. To add to this madness, the griever themselves is already in a whirlwind of confusion, not knowing which way to turn, or how to get a grip on the overwhelming emotions that refuse to subside. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Instead of reducing someones grief to time frames and limits, allow the person who is experiencing the multitude of emotion that rage unbidden, to express themselves, share those feelings, and most importantly to talk about their loved one. One of the greatest fears for those of us who are grieving is that others will forget about the one who died; so hearing his or her name is like a symphony to our ears. Yes it may bring a tear to our eyes, but they are mixed tears, those of missing our loved one and joy in knowing that someone else remembers them. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>The main thing to remember is that no two people grieve alike, like snowflakes, we are each very unique. When my daughter, Rachel died my husband and I were like polar opposites, he craved noise and busyness, I longed for the silence. My two other children reacted in their very own unique ways, yet they were both morning the loss of a sibling. But the thing most of us forget is that, yes, the loss may be the same, but the relationship with the deceased and vice versa, was totally unique to them. In the loss of a child, a mother feels empty-armed, as if the baby she carried was whisked away. For the father, there is a need to protect, to fix, to make things right again, and that moves them in different directions. Only when their wife seems to be getting better, do they begin to let the pain in. For those on the outside looking in, it appears as if the father isn't letting go, refusing to move on, and that opens up doors of vulnerability that men are unfamiliar with. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>In times of tragedy and death, there will be those who openly express their emotions and feelings, and others who remain stoic, almost uncaring. The world perceives our attachment to our loved one by the way we react. This is so unfair to so many people, not everyone is comfortable openly expressing their feelings and emotions, while others are pouring it all out. Our childhood, how we have watched others deal with loss, also effects are behavior, and is stored away and drawn upon when we are faced with life's crises. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no starting or stopping points. The key is to express our feelings, to share what we are experiencing, and above all, to speak about our loved ones. We must allow the memories of those we love to carry us into the future; a future where we will be able to laugh again, to find the beauty in nature, and the joy in simple things. And to remember that our loved ones are always with us, watching over us, loving us as they always did. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>So allow those tears to flow or not, allow yourself the time you need, take care of yourself by eating properly and getting rest, know that you are not going crazy; you, your mind, heart and body are trying to figure this all out. Be patient with yourself and others, and give yourself the space you need, and do, do the the things that bring you comfort, that help you cope. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>And always remember that even though our loved one is no longer with us in this physical world, they remain with us always and that no matter what, their love never dies.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-47558379867785269262014-04-30T11:29:00.001-04:002014-07-25T11:13:19.219-04:00Grief Awareness Event<span style="color: #4c1130;"><b>I was honored to be a guest speaker at such a wonderful and informative event. This is a topic that so often is not addressed, and there are so many people who feel isolated and alone, believing no one else understands. Great wisdom and insight from all the speakers. Thank you Darlene for the invitation to be part of this detrimental event. Grief is not something we sweep under the rug...it needs to be expressed and shared.</b></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Qu2QLqqe-z4" width="480"></iframe>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-86404909710655031232014-01-07T12:15:00.000-05:002014-01-07T13:20:34.182-05:00I Feel So Disconnected...<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Feeling disconnected. It has been quite some time since my last posting and something nudge me to come this way today. I was preparing for this evenings support group meeting, looking for fresh material and an opening prayer or poem to welcome those who are returning or joining us for the first time, when a question caught my eye. <i> Do you have feelings of being disconnected? If yes, from whom or what? </i> (Taken from <i>A Gathering of Angels</i> by Victoria Leland, RN in collaboration with five grieving mothers). Followed by: <i>What things can you do to help yourself (1) stay connected to your baby*, (2) feel okay about yourself during the time of disconnect with others, and (3) reconnect with others when you are ready? </i>*For me I simply substituted the word baby with daughter/child, you can simply change it to <i>your loved one </i>to represent whomever has died in your life. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Do you feel disconnected? For so many of us who have suffered through the death of a loved one, regardless of our relationship with them, we do so feel totally separated from the world around us. For me the loss of a child, left me avoiding families that were still intact. After my dad died, I felt little in common with those who's father was still alive and after the death of my last surviving grandparent I felt like I could never be loved in the way that only they could love me. You get my drift. These are very real and very normal feelings to experience after the death of a loved one. We no longer feel whole, and seeing others who have what we so desperately long to have again leaves us feeling alone and isolated, totally disconnected from the world. Add to that the feelings of no longer being able to see, touch or hear our loved one in the physical realm, seems to further widen this disconnection. The whoms or whats are numerous and vary with the relationship we had with our loved ones, what they brought into our lives, and who we were when we were with them. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>So how do we bridge this disconnect? Amazingly after almost 8 years after my daughter Rachel's death, I feel more connected to her now than I ever did before. She has become an integral part of my very being, and is never very far from my thoughts and daily routine. Her memory lives on in so many ways in my life, and her love of life is reflected so beautifully in the faces and actions of my grandchildren. And just when I feel lonely or saddened by a sudden memory or other trigger, I am gently reminded that she is near. For instance just yesterday morning as I reached for the handle of my car door I spied a penny lying on the ground, as I bent down to pick it up I silently whispered Good Morning Rachel. As I started the engine, I could not help but smile as a feeling of comfort and warmth flooded over me. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>But this was not always the case for me. In the first few months and years, I felt totally alone, totally out of sync with the world and those around me. In time I learned to accept that this was normal and okay. By allowing myself to become disconnected from the day to day world around me, I gave myself the space I needed to heal, to accept and to recognize the beauty that had come into my life with the birth of my daughter. During this time, I allowed my self to question, to cry, to be angry, and to even allow myself bouts of self-pity. It was during this time of deep awareness that I came to fully understand who I was, what mattered most to me, and what choices only I could make. It was not always easy, I sometimes did not like the person staring back at me in the mirror, and there were times that retreating from the world seemed like the best option But I can honestly say, if I had not allowed my self that space to unplug myself from life, I would probably still be spinning out of control even now. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>The beauty of accepting the 'disconnect' was that it gave me time to understand my grief, to get to know the person I was becoming, and to get acclimated to the new 'normal' in my life. To a life without my eldest daughter Rachel physically in it and to the possibilities that only Rachel's death could bring into my life. So when I was <i>'ready to reconnect'</i> with the world, it was on my terms, with a new perspective on life, a renewed sense of purpose and a resolve to help others who were grieving too. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>For those of you who are trying to be there for someone who is grieving the death of a loved one, the greatest gift you can give them is space. Be understanding and compassionate when they tell you that can't go to a party, or be with others. They may not be able to face the reminders of what is so sharply missing from their lives. In time they will come around, just let them know you are there for them and are willing to just sit, listen or simply hold their hand. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Grief is not easy, it takes time and is definitely hard work, and each and everyone of us grieves very differently. So embrace the disconnection, learn to forge new connections with your deceased loved ones, and reconnect on your terms and in your way. But most importantly, just know that you are not alone, ever, your loved one is always with you, for love is not governed by death and it finds it's way even through the murkiest darkness. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-37013923070048531232013-08-02T11:54:00.002-04:002013-08-02T12:03:38.905-04:00Dancing in the Sky...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Often artists and writers will capture our feelings in their lyrics and words, </b></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>the following song by Dani & Lizzy do just that and more...<i>'Dancing in the Sky'...</i></b></span></span></div>
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<iframe seamless="" src="http://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/track=1561948030/size=large/bgcol=ffffff/linkcol=0687f5/notracklist=true/transparent=true/" style="border: 0; height: 442px; width: 350px;"><a href="http://daniandlizzy.bandcamp.com/track/dancing-in-the-sky">Dancing in the Sky by Dani and Lizzy</a></iframe>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-45463413771621283792013-06-12T11:40:00.000-04:002013-06-12T11:40:12.520-04:00Support Group ArticleRecently the support group I facilitate was highlighted in our local diocesan newspaper 'The Anchor.' <br />
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Making great strides to help others as they struggle to make sense of all the confusion that often comes with the death of a loved one. Through our own losses, we can often find the strength to reach out to others with compassion and empathy, not because we have become experts, but because we have come to understand our loss and that this is not a journey to be taken alone.<br />
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The following is the link to the article:<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtF5rXT6gSK7LMm5Gwrki83Ex93tmnXrHHD7iHCTUQesxoZptweGkzZ_6J-aB4-L3s8zPTBLNOlgi5vTXuHhgoUYdydfBcdVOLHaw5Z29IT8vdLKzMvmLVcNxTtY2QKAJbb-_e9CZoBJsn/s1600/533954_4971355211380_1029638865_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtF5rXT6gSK7LMm5Gwrki83Ex93tmnXrHHD7iHCTUQesxoZptweGkzZ_6J-aB4-L3s8zPTBLNOlgi5vTXuHhgoUYdydfBcdVOLHaw5Z29IT8vdLKzMvmLVcNxTtY2QKAJbb-_e9CZoBJsn/s200/533954_4971355211380_1029638865_n.jpg" title="Mums in Bloom (B&W)" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by Rose Mary Saraiva</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<a href="http://anchornews.org/news/june-2013/june_7_2013_2.php" target="_blank">http://anchornews.org/news/june-2013/june_7_2013_2.php</a>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-39122630869676898892013-05-29T09:31:00.000-04:002013-05-29T09:44:10.987-04:00Taking that First Step!<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Why is grief so hard to talk about? Why do people try to act like it doesn't exist? Or worse yet, if it is not acknowledged, it will eventually go away! If only that last statement were true!<br /><br />The only way to handle grief is to talk about it, to express those feelings, to give some sort of direction to the confusion that you feel, and to just know you are not alone. Grief exists, it does not simply go away or vanish into thin air if people act like it never happened. For me, it has been almost seven years now since Rachel passed away, and I still talk about missing her, and wishing she were here right now. My pain has eased, and the grief no longer is debilitating, but there is still a longing. Gratefully this longing has been filled by a deep knowledge that my daughter walks beside me each and every day, a constant presence in my life. <br /><br />What helped me then, and continues to help, was finding a person or persons who were willing to just listen, even when my words were mere ramblings. People who let me share my story and Rachel's story, people who did not judge or look down at me because of my words and actions. Individuals who looked beyond the outer trappings of my grief, recognizing the hurting person within my outward shell. <br /><br />It is not always easy to find such support, but one must keep searching, eventually you will find a person or persons who willingly walk beside you. These individuals can range from family members, close friends or even strangers. They can come in the form of counseling or support groups. They can be found in your work, school or faith community. Hospitals, doctors and other health care facilities offer help or can direct you to support systems. The key is to take that first step, and utter those words that for me were one of the hardest to say, "I need help!" "I can't do this alone." <br /><br />Even after admitting I needed help, it took me several times before fear, anger and pushing my pride aside, allowed me to let the help I so desperately needed to begin to bear fruit. It took three sessions with my counselor to finally realize she only wanted to help. It took three attempts before I finally walked into my first support group. And it took two or three sessions before I felt comfortable enough to share with the group. <br /><br />Anything that alters our lives in any way, requires us to re-adjust routines, or creates a change in us, takes time. Regardless of the cause of the changes, we have to face our hopes and dreams, our fears and uncertainties, and sometimes learn to walk all over again. Taking baby steps, until we are able to walk boldly and even begin to run again. <br /><br />Remember to give yourself time and to give that helping hand a chance to make a difference in your life. Don't be afraid to meet it half way, or if that is hard, to allow it all the way into your life. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-56978177257254057222013-03-12T10:04:00.001-04:002013-03-12T10:04:55.041-04:00Rachel's Here!<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>It's been a while since I have posted, life just gets a little hectic sometimes. I have been facilitating a bereavement support group, started contributing to a local newspaper and taking classes, no excuse but it has been crazy. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>In all my busyness however, Rachel is never far from my thoughts, her presence is felt each and every waking moment, and occasionally in a dream or two. It seems that as I step further into acceptance, she is so much more present to me. It is hard to explain, it is a heart-felt knowledge, it does not mean I don't miss her, trust me, I do, it is just that I know she is with me. It is as if our hearts are communicating, her soul is reaching out and hugging mine. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>When I share this with others, they will smile, shake their heads, but often I see uncertainty, a silent,<i> really</i>! Yet when I speak to others who have been on this wild roller coaster ride longer, they fully understand what I am talking about, they know exactly what I mean. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>How did I get to this place? There is no exact time frame, no aha moment, it just seemed to be a slow awareness. One thing I do know, is I began to truly sense her presence when I started to let go. Let me tell you, that was one of the hardest things to do. Like so many I have spoken to, the letting go was the scariest time of all. All of a sudden you realize that a few years have slipped away, your loved one has been 'gone' now for a while; and you have somehow began to live again. Suddenly, you panic, you begin to wonder - am I forgetting them? What if I can't remember what they looked like, sounded like, felt like, etc., what if I can't remember anything at all about them? </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As your wrestle with these new found fears, you find yourself slipping backwards just a little. For me there were fresh tears, sleepless nights, and confusion. It was by no means, debilitating, just a slow oozing from healing wounds. It was as, if there were pain again, I wouldn't forget, I would be reminded, Rachel would not be slipping away. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As I faced these fears, yet again, I began to let go, to trust that somehow I would be okay. As for the day or time, was I doing a certain thing, was I at a specific location...I couldn't say. All I know was that suddenly my fears seemed to subside, and I begin to not only believe those words I would say to everyone; 'Rachel is always with me,' I was now feeling and sensing her presence. A comfort began to envelope me lending credence to the Bible passage <i>"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted"</i> (Mt 5:4); as I felt a renewed sense of purpose, a newly found strength, and an awareness that I could now truly help others who were mourning. After all, I had survived, and made it some how, I had come through the darkness.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>This rebirth of sorts gave me so much to look forward to, knowing that no matter what lies ahead Rachel is not and will not be forgotten (at least not by me). This new person that I have become, will truly never be the same person she was 7 years ago, and hopefully the lessons learned have taught me well. Yes, there will still be so many events and firsts in my life, that I will feel the sadness that Rachel is not physically present to share them with us. But my heart now knows that she is and will always be present. My family and I just recently were seated around the dinner table, talking, laughing and playing a board game, when suddenly through all the laughter, we heard Rachel's laughter. We all heard it, and each of us looked at each other and said, <i>Rachel's here. </i></b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>So do not worry, your loved one is very much a part of your life, and in time you too, will begin to listen, hear and see with your heart. Your very essence, your soul, will begin to feel your loved one in ways that will bring you comfort, will surround you in love, filling you with a peace you never thought you would know again. Letting go, letting them live their new life, does not mean they will be forgotten, on the contrary, they will be an intricate part of your very being. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Remember, you are not alone, those we loved and lost walk beside us each and every day. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-41088094243871526742012-12-25T23:21:00.001-05:002012-12-25T23:21:40.974-05:00Merry Christmas Rachel<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Wishing you all a Merry Christmas! </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>The holidays can be difficult, as so many things can trigger memories. For me, even though this is the seventh Christmas without Rachel, I still have a hard time. In the wee hours of Christmas morning, I found myself unable to sleep, truly missing my daughter. As the tears flowed unbidden, I longed to have her near. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Recent events of the tragedy that befell Sandy Hook has reminded me of what is missing in my life. As I thought of all those parents, both young and old, who this holiday would not be able to watch their child open gifts, my heart sank. My heart longed to reach out to them, knowing full well the emptiness that is staring them squarely in the face. Of unopened gifts, of promises broken, dreams left unfulfilled, and of all the doubt and confusion that we are left with. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As a parent, the loss of a child is beyond anything we can explain, it is a hurt and pain that we carry with us always. Each passing year eases the ache, but we still feel the absence. Yet, in my hurt I feel the warmth of Rachel's love, her endearing presence, and I know in my heart of hearts that she is near, that she is with me always. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>A beautiful song was sung at the Christmas Eve Mass, that pulled at my heart strings: </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><i> When Love Was Born</i> by Mark Schultz</b></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Starlight shines, the night is still<br />
Shepherds watch from a hill<br />
I close my eyes, see the night<br />
When love was born</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>
Perfect child gently waits<br />
A mother bends to kiss God's face<br />
I close my eyes, see the night<br />
When love was born</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
Angels fill the midnight sky, they sing<br />
Hallelujah, He is Christ, our King</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
Emmanuel, Prince of peace<br />
Loves come down for you and me<br />
Heaven's gift, the holy spark<br />
To let the way inside our hearts</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
Bethlehem, through your small door<br />
Came the hope we've waited for<br />
The world was changed forevermore<br />
When love was born</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
I close my eyes, see the night<br />
When love was born</b></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As I listen to the lyrics, as I tried to sing along, the words of the second stanza gripped me, and all I could think of was the night Rachel was born, and how an unbelievable love had entered into my life. The love of mother and child, a love that allows us to look beyond any imperfection to see, truly see, the beauty that lies within. A love that reaches beyond the the grave, a love that conquers all, a love that even death cannot diminish, but rather grows even stronger.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Rachel, like your loved one, may be gone from sight, but the love that permeates our very being, lets us know that they are very near. That they are very much a presence in our lives, and that we are forever changed, because they were a major part of it. It is the memories that they created, that help me and so many others, face the holidays and special events. It is the cherished traditions, and the start of new ones dedicated to the memory of our loved one, that see us through. Let these memories bring you comfort, let them fill you with love and joy, and if they bring a tear or two, let them flow; allow the healing to begin.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Merry Christmas Rachel, and to all those who are spending their first Christmas in heaven. Let your love pour down on us all, keep us all safe, and hold us gently as we travel through our grief.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-53846286100917557092012-12-19T15:08:00.001-05:002012-12-19T15:08:02.949-05:00Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults<a href="http://www.boston.com/news/local/connecticut/2012/12/17/conn-victims-lively-youngsters-devoted-adults/UHmq81UCCbrIHc1tUa2a5N/story.html">Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults</a>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-89073136382850481612012-12-18T10:08:00.001-05:002012-12-18T11:17:19.196-05:00Let Their Light Shine<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As so many of you are very much aware of, this nation has been rocked by the tragic events in Connecticut. So many innocent lives lost, so many hearts broken, so many arms left empty. Since last Friday's news, my heart has continuously ached, there is a heaviness I cannot seem to shake, and I am reminded of how precious and fleeting our lives truly are. Somber reminders that we need to live each day as if this is our last, to love unconditionally, and to be present, truly present to those that matter in our lives.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Losing a child is by far one of the hardest things to face, parents just DON'T bury their children, it should always be the other way around. Yet, I have learned personally that life does not follow or obey the rules. We live by life's whims and begin to learn to live, fully live in the moment, taking no one for granted. These past few days are strong reminders of what I have loved and lost, of missing and longing, of wanting just one more glimpse of my daughter. Yet, I feel her presence even more, I know she is very near, as I type, her smiling face stares back at me from the photo on my desk, reminders that my life has been forever changed. A reminder that I would not have wanted it any other way, that the gift I was given the day she was born, cannot be taken from me, and that my life is forever enriched because she was a part of it. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Twenty-seven people lost their lives this past Friday, and countless others have also been taken violently from us, let us not forget, let us keep them all in our prayers, and let us strive to help each other heal. Let us continue to pray that as a nation we address the key issues that were the underlying causes of such a tragedy, in the hopes of preventing this scene from ever happening again. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>There are always lessons to be learned, there are always I told you so's and what if's, but these are irrelevant in light of what has happened. Let us look at the pain and suffering of all those impacted by this tragedy, the families, the emergency personnel, faculty, community and it's surrounding neighbors; let us care for these, be a reassuring presence, a beacon of hope and forgo our judgements and assumptions. Let us keep in mind that these families have faced the unfathomable, their minds have played out and will continue to play out this tragic scene in their heads, until they finally come to peace with it. Until then, we all need to be a comfort to them, a willing ear allowing them to share their stories and their loved ones stories, assuring them that their loved one truly matters and is not forgotten. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As a parent, my greatest fear was that my daughter would be forgotten, that Rachel would fade into the sunset. It is for this very reason that for me and countless others, we remember, we say the 'Name' over and over again, and we want you to ask about them. Yes, it may bring a tear to our eyes, we may be sad for a moment, but the greatest sadness for me at least, was thinking no one cared or that Rachel was forgotten. As these families face the dark days ahead, please be gentle with them, please allow them to grieve in the only way they can and know how to. Many of us who have experienced profound loss understand all to well the need to go through the grief, to cry, to scream, to be angry and to just be. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>No two people experience grief in the same way even if the loss is the same, and for this reason, we must not impose are own misconceptions of the grieving process, but allow them to muddle their way through. Grief is definitely hard work and no one can do it for us. As a wise professor once told me, 'we hurt because we love, if we did not love, there would be no pain.' But who among us, would have wanted to miss out on the love, for all the pain in the suffering, I would not have given up one precious moment with my daughter. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Remember to allow yourself to grieve, be good to YOU, take care of YOU, and do not be afraid to reach out to others. No one has to go it alone. Trust me when I say it, the hardest thing for me, was reaching out for help, but when I finally came to the conclusion that I could not handle it on my own, was the day I let the healing begin. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>My thoughts and prayers are with every family member as they face the unimaginable, as they prepare to say good-bye to their beloved child and loved one. Know that even though I may be miles away, I stand beside you in spirit and in love. May their lives continue to shine through each and every one of us. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span><br />
<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-19021806720275953942012-09-26T10:08:00.000-04:002012-09-26T10:08:15.182-04:00That First Step<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">'The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.' Confucius<br /> <br />
That is the same for the grieving, we can only and should only take one
day at a time, and when necessary one moment at a time. Some days we
will get further, seem to be taking longer strides, and yet others, we
are unable to get up, let alone begin to walk. </span></span></span></span></span></h5>
<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Grief is a journey, it's
path not always clear, but there is a destination, there is a light at
the end of that dark tunnel. You and I will and do survive, we just
need to give ourselves time. Time to heal, to accept, to begin to live
again, to be who we are becoming. It is not easy, it is not a short
trip, and it gets frightening and messy at times, and that's okay. Just
allow yourself to deal with your emotions, don't bottle them up, or
push them aside. Face them, name them, do whatever it takes - this is a
'single step' bringing you closer to healing. </span></span></span></span></span></h5>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Be good to you, take
care of yourself, and above all, know that you have earned the right to
grieve, it is after all, all about YOU! and what your are experiencing.
We may understand each others loss, but the pain and hurt is as unique
as you are, and none of us knows what you are going through. But you
are not alone, and there is always someone willing to listen and simply
hold your hand. A friend, family member, counselor, support group or
any combination, can help you during this difficult time in your life. </span></span></span></span></span></h5>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Do not be afraid to reach out to others for help...do not be afraid to
take that first step.</span></span></span></span></span></h5>
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Blessings! until we meet again. </span></span></span></span></span></h5>
Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-16467779201234346802012-09-15T02:30:00.000-04:002012-09-15T02:30:01.875-04:00Happy Birthday, Rachel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Hsa5pkfqznFJXcVUPVMTWMH49KbFgm8dT4Fj7AdouMslEEZAnGPlG0QFXOrBuaF_0pvEgaU1fJZ743PkBQ9JVrNhaOSvBVGJ2MYpZT80mz_85lXxnDA4CbLU8wDXoHo2wsHGljSuNZgO/s1600/Rachel+Close.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0Hsa5pkfqznFJXcVUPVMTWMH49KbFgm8dT4Fj7AdouMslEEZAnGPlG0QFXOrBuaF_0pvEgaU1fJZ743PkBQ9JVrNhaOSvBVGJ2MYpZT80mz_85lXxnDA4CbLU8wDXoHo2wsHGljSuNZgO/s200/Rachel+Close.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnPZJWC8gasyF2N-1m4UMhcXR4qeX0HsOXThJLRh1HPmOu14zDnShFlXBxR53CuKJIYkknQ2tinHDNThiib3hx9QvHgzj3o_97PI4LbYiiMbjNcAUhqmFG1QX0jfGmcuWUmXkm1uf__E1w/s1600/A+special+birthday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnPZJWC8gasyF2N-1m4UMhcXR4qeX0HsOXThJLRh1HPmOu14zDnShFlXBxR53CuKJIYkknQ2tinHDNThiib3hx9QvHgzj3o_97PI4LbYiiMbjNcAUhqmFG1QX0jfGmcuWUmXkm1uf__E1w/s640/A+special+birthday.jpg" width="640" /></a><b><span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Happy Birthday Rachel</span></span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">It's hard to believe that Rachel would be celebrating her 30th birthday today. It seems incredulous that this is the sixth birthday without her. Yet I would not have traded a moment of the time we were given with her, I treasure every precious memory. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">Today we will honor and remember her by participating in a butterfly release, her nephews will help set them free. It is important and healing to remember our loved ones in special ways; to take the time to acknowledge their gift to us, and how they made a difference in our lives. </span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! until we meet again.</b></span><br />
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Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-74613793353595900372012-09-13T11:26:00.000-04:002012-09-13T11:27:30.700-04:00Enough Already<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Time marches on, life continues to move forward and we find ourselves wondering, 'where has the time gone.' It is hard to believe that six years have passed since Rachel's death, and yet there are times it still feels like yesterday. There are times when the tears still flow unbidden, when a jarring pain reminds me that I still hurt, that I still feel the ache of loss, that there is still something crucial missing from my life. I often hear people say comments like, 'Well, you should be over that by now, after all its been a few years.' 'Enough with the remembering already, get over it.' Or they have totally moved on with their lives and have kept you at arms length. Personally, I have not heard these comments directly, they have been cautiously, filtered to me from others. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>There is a support group that meets regularly that I facilitate, and some of the questions that arise are: 'How long should I keep my loved one's memory alive? When is it TOO much? Is there an appropriate time limit for such things? Is it odd to want to remember them in special ways? In delving more deeply into the questions, you can hear the underlying misgivings that society imposes on personal grief. Often you will be surrounded by people who you care for and love, who you trust, and yet, these are the very people who will not dare to mention 'the name' for fear of causing pain. And if you dare to speak of your loved one, they deftly find ways to change the subject. Thus raising the question of remembering and memories--is it okay? </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>For many of us, it is the precious memories of our loved ones, that sustain us and helps us get through the darkest of days, it is these very memories, that help us get up each and every morning. The memory that we loved someone so deeply, that someone meant and means that much to us, and that they loved us. We want and need to let the world know that this person was truly important to us, that they were and still are an integral part of our world. Is it ever too much? That is hard to say, there are situations when the grief and mourning can and do become obsessive, for some it becomes all consuming. In an article by Amanda R. Bell, <i><a href="http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-traumatic-grief.htm" target="_blank">What is Traumatic Grief?</a></i>, she writes:<i> 'Traumatic <span class="yellowFade">grief</span> is an extreme, unhealthy reaction to the death of a loved one, typically a spouse.'</i> The person grieving, cannot accept the death of their loved one, thus closes themselves off from entering into the healing process. These individuals can often <i>'express suicidal thoughts and desires, have unusually strong reactions to daily life, and difficulty functioning.' </i> It is always advisable to seek counseling or professional help, if your grief becomes too much for you to handle alone. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>For the most part, it is not TOO much, and is a very normal part of our grieving and acceptance of our loved one's death. Many people and organization, have annual events in memory of loved ones. I, myself, will be attending a butterfly release this weekend in memory of Rachel and other family members; and this past weekend, Rachel was remembered in a memorial Mass on the anniversary of her death. These are just a few of the many ways that loved ones are remembered and honored. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>As for time, is there ever a limit? As a bereaved parent, I know my loss is life-long, and if you ask any parent, they will tell you that they still remember, they will always remember, and their grief is forever. The same is true for so many others, be it a spouse, a close friend, a parent, a sibling, they all feel a sense of loss, even years later. There is no set time frame, no gauge to measure grief by, no linear chart that says on this date you will wake up and your grief is over, gone! Grief is unique, no two people experience it or go through it the same way. The key is to acknowledge the grief, to enter in to it, and to allow ourselves to feel it and express it. Get messy, allow it to transform you. Find others who are willing to enter into the darkness with you, who are willing to companion you on this long and arduous journey, who will cry and rejoice with you, sit quietly by your side, and hold your hand when needed. The good news is that in time, you find comfort in the memories, you find joy in the pain, and you begin to see with eyes that take nothing for granted. You begin to live again, knowing that you are loved ever more deeply, and that your loved one is ever more present to you, a part of your very being. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Feel free to do special things in remembrance of your loved one. It gives meaning and purpose to their lives and yours. A memory garden; a memorial plaque or stone; a gift given annually in lieu of a birthday or anniversary of your loved one; a scholarship fund; clothing or donations to the needy in memory of a love one; are just a few of many ways that loved ones can be remembered. Be creative, let your loved one guide you, look at what they loved to do; what charities held a special place in their heart; what were some of their hobbies; what causes did they feel strongly about. If their death was as a result of life threatening diseases or illness, find ways to increase awareness and help promote a cure; participate in annual walks, races, and relays. There are countless ways that we can turn our grief into healing; that our loved one's death can bring about good. The sky is the limit, and remember with grief 'everything is normal,' and odd behavior is to be expected. Just remember if anything becomes too much for you to handle, there is no shame, I repeat, no shame, in asking for help, ever! It takes more courage to admit we need help and to ask for it, than to try to go it alone. <i> </i>None of us needs to travel this road alone, there is always a willing ear, a helping hand, if we just ask or dare to reach out. </b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Our loved ones lived, they loved and they are very special to us. We have to right to mourn and grieve them, to remember them, to shed a tear or two for them, and to always keep them safe in our hearts. We are who we are because they touched our lives in their own very special way. For me that is the very reason, I choose to remember my loved ones in very special ways; why I share Rachel's story, and why so many share their stories with me and others. They are and will always be LOVE, a part of our very being, and with their guidance, a major part of who we become.</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></span>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-75913984648285232832012-08-14T10:28:00.000-04:002012-08-22T11:11:10.240-04:00Finding Strength in Numbers...<div style="color: #0c343d;">
<b>Just yesterday I attended yet another family funeral. It seems as I get older there are more and more of them. As my family ages; illness, accidents or longevity takes over, and we find ourselves saying good-bye too often. Yet, there is a beauty in the funeral experience. Yes, I said beauty! As I sat at the funeral home; while I waited for the procession to start for the Mass, and then again toward the cemetery; my daughter's funeral came vividly to mind. I remembered the sadness of the days, but I also remembered the outpouring of love, the kind words of family, friends and even strangers. And most importantly, the message spoken loud and clear - here was someone who was special to so many people, here was someone that lived, loved and left so many wonderful memories. Memories to be cherished and shared; yes they may bring tears occasionally, or find us laughing out loud, but they serve as reminders of what they meant and still mean to us.</b></div>
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<b>When I think back to almost 6 years ago now, I still recall the people who went out of their way to let us know they cared, to hold our hands or to simply share their strength but standing silently by our side. The community had a chance to say good-bye, acknowledge the grief, and enter into our pain, even if only for a brief moment. This <i>'chore'</i> as so many people see it, is one of our first tentative steps toward healing and accepting our loss. Humanity's need to say good-bye, to come together to comfort and console one another, speaks of our need to nurture and be nurtured. </b></div>
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<b>Also funerals, like weddings, allow us to catch up with relatives and friends that we have not seen in a long while or even years. It gives us a chance to reminisce about what we have meant to one another, to feel the connecting thread in our lives. As I spoke to relatives and friends, yesterday, the same theme came flowing through the words I heard. There was a familial bond that could be felt by those present, a connectivity that could not be explained. A strong message that family mattered above all else, and that no matter what twists and turns may have occurred, we were all where we needed to be at that very moment. That the foundations of love, compassion and strong family ties, had been laid down long before many of us came into existence.</b></div>
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<b>It is this very foundation, that has helped me during many a dark day. A gentle reminder that there are people in my life who care, who want to be there for me when I need, who are willing to stop, if even briefly, to enter into my pain. This coupled with my faith, has made the journey easier to bear, it is the conviction of being loved and capable of loving, of learning to give and when necessary to take (even when it seems to be against our very nature), to allow ourselves to be in the moment. As Fr. Joe said yesterday,<i> 'it is us allowing a glimpse of God's mercy and grace to shine through who we are.' 'To be a window into Heaven, and all God wants us to be to one another.' </i> We do not walk alone, and on those days when we do feel all alone, it is our faith and the companionship of others that keeps us going. </b></div>
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<b>Yet so many of us are not necessarily blessed with big families as I am; but if we are willing to venture out; to reach beyond ourselves, to stretch into the uncomfortableness; we too will find a helping hand. A cherished, close friend, a counselor, a support group, or someone in our work environment or faith community, who will lend us an ear, is an asset to be treasured. Finding such a gem helps us along this long, arduous journey. Yes, it is work and it gets messy, but the only way to heal is to go through it, and what better than finding someone to take along. Someone who will push, pull or simply sit beside you when you need to rest. We all need one another, and none of us is an island, and even on those days when we feel so isolated, someone is busy building a bridge. </b></div>
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<b>Let love flow through you, to you and out again. Allow others to be there for you, and do not be afraid, or too proud, to reach out to others. Remember<i> 'there is strength in numbers.' </i> Take care of yourself, and allow others to care for you, and keep in mind, that grief takes time. So allow yourself all the time you need. Grief is all about YOU at this very moment, and only YOU know what you are experiencing, just know that YOU are not alone, ever! Our loved ones may leave us physically, but their presence is a major part of our very being. Love knows no boundaries, and what we shared with our loved ones, is no exception.</b></div>
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<b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></div>
Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-873863941684789312012-07-10T11:16:00.000-04:002012-07-10T11:16:30.797-04:00Here I go sighing again.<div style="color: #0c343d;">
<b>It is truly amazing to see how far one can come in life, even in the face of adversity. Recently I spent a week with youth and young adults in a leadership institute, and what a wonderful experience for all involved. For me, being surrounded by so many youthful, energetic teens has a way of bringing out the fun-loving, carefree person I can be at times, reminding me of the potential that each individual has. But, alas, being with them also reminds me of what I had with my daughter, how she loved to have fun, how she was so full of life, and how much she dreamed of and planned for. </b></div>
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<b>Ironically, I was okay for the first 2-3 days. As the week continued I found myself sighing more deeply (a sign of stress or anxiety) and I knew, this week was taking me on a emotional roller coaster ride. I was being reminded of what I lost, what could have been and what dreams had been shattered. But with all this, I was also surprised that I was in control. How? Well I didn't find myself crying as they shared their dreams, hopes and even fears with me and the other adult leaders. I was able to hear their stories, understand their trials, and enter into what they were experiencing without my feelings and emotions taking over. </b></div>
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<b>Just a couple of years ago when I was also on team for this same institute, I would find myself crying often and uncontrollably. The teenagers who had attended would actually glance over at me if they knew what was being shared would evoke tears. They knew that they could make Rose Mary cry easily, and I did. To actually be able to replay this segment of my life, in a similar scenario, and see the difference, has a healing quality. This retrospection helps me to see and grasp that I have in fact come a long way, that I am healing, that I am embracing the new 'normal' in my life. </b></div>
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<b>Will I ever be the same person I was just over 5 years ago? NO! How can I be, I have had to reach into areas of myself I did not know or even dreamed existed. I have had to find a strength that I did not believe was even humanly possible. My outlook on life remains positive but now I look at it from different angles. I am not afraid to look deeply into anyone's eyes, to see the person that dwells within, to see the real individual; the one with joys and sorrows, with hopes and disillusions, with courage and trepidation. To see the person who wants to be everything they dream of, but holds back because life can sometimes be difficult. No I am not the same. Yes, I may appear carefree, smiling and hopeful, but yet, like so many people I meet and so many of you who read this blog; so much lies beneath the surface, so much is hidden, unseen by the human eye. </b></div>
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<b>My grief and pain has taken me down roads I would never had dreamed of, opened up new doors that I would never have looked at, let alone knock on, and taken me into places that the bravest of people would not dare venture into. Yet here I am, arriving at my new self, unsure of who I am yet, but certain that I am were I need to be at the moment. What does it all mean? Who knows! Do I like this new me? Yes and no. Yes, because I know I can be there if someone needs understanding, compassion and a listening ear; and no, because I arrived here because of my daughter's death. Believe me when I say, how much I wish I could have changed the outcome, how much I wish my daughter was still a physical part of my life. I look at my grandchildren and wonder if she would have had children, what would she be doing right now, and so on. No different, really, than anyone who has faced the death of a loved one. Yet, we all make it somehow. We don't find something to fill the void, nothing can do that. What we do is accept that there will always be a certain emptiness, a hole that we learn to live with, and through faith, we cling to the fact that our love transcends even the greatest of abysses and that for me, I will see Rachel again. </b></div>
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<b>My strength comes from knowing that Rachel guides me, is there when I need her, and lets me know from time to time that she is near. There are reminders of her presence in my life, and they happen when I seem to need them most. There isn't a day when Rachel isn't a part of it. And on those days when I cannot seem to hear the gentle reminder of her presence, someone or something lets me know. Just as your loved ones do the same for you. </b></div>
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<b>We all have dark days and difficult times, we all struggle with life's twists and turns, but if we allow ourselves to grow, to reach out to others, we can find a way through it. I could not have come this far alone, and I know that I will continue to need people in my life; and that my journey is far from over. So why would I want to go it alone. Why would anyone want to travel alone? The most important thing to remember as we travel life's roads, is to give ourselves the time to take in the scenery, and to allow ourselves to heal. All the speeding in the world may appear to get us to our destination faster, but in the end, what we left uncared for, catches up to us. So take your grief slowly, allow yourself the luxury of going through it, rather than circumventing it. It is when we give ourselves permission to grieve, to fully grieve, that we begin to heal.</b></div>
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<b style="color: #0c343d;">Blessings! and until we meet again.</b><br />
<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-5849618238367862752012-06-05T13:14:00.001-04:002012-06-05T22:44:56.773-04:00Rachel, We DID It!<div style="color: #4c1130;">
<b>This past weekend was a very busy one for my family and I. </b></div>
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<b>Friday night was my son's prom, an exciting time, a right of passage of sorts, a chance for seniors to let loose after 'making it.' My husband and I watched as our handsome son left for his prom, grateful that he made it this far; excited that he was attending the festivities, and with a sharp realization that now he would be entering fully and completely into the 'adult' world. Just one of many milestones we as parents cherish and tuck away into the treasure trove we keep in our hearts. </b></div>
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<b>Sunday, my youngest grandson was baptized. I watched as my daughter and her husband beamed at their youngest son, as he was prepared to be received into our faith community. I was proud of my growing family and the beautiful experience of being a grandmother. All you grandparents out there fully understand and know what I am speaking of. It is amazing to be part of our children's milestones, but there is an unexplainable pride, when we witness the transformation of our own children through the eyes of our grandchildren. </b></div>
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<b>Saturday, was my special day, I crossed the college stage. I had completed my Certification in Thanatology (the study of death and dying) and was now a college graduate. It was wonderful, exciting, oh I could go on and on; let's suffice it to say I felt really good about what I had finally accomplished. I awoke Saturday morning with an excited energy and an 'I can't believe I really did this' frame of mind. As I showered (a place were many brilliant ideas are often born), I began to think of Rachel, and how she had been all set to return to school to complete her education. The Friday before her death she had called to ask me to get her high school transcripts, I was to fax them to her the following Monday. She was registered and just needed a copy of her transcript, I remember how happy and excited she had been that day. </b></div>
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<b>As this thought bounced around in my head, the tears began streaming down my face. And then it hit me, I knew exactly what I needed to do. 'Rachel,' I said out loud in the shower, 'you are going to cross that stage, you are walking in with me.' As I stepped out of the shower with tears and a broad smile, I now found myself getting ready with a new resolve. I was fulfilling Rachel's dream with the realization of mine. The course I had completed was one I would not have even considered 6 years ago, and here I was now a 'grief facilitator,' someone who can walk besides others in pain. I was here because of the turn of events in my life, because Rachel had placed me where I needed to be - helping others; something she loved to do. Out of personal loss and tragedy, came new hope and life. </b></div>
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<b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqGhhB85X9VosQ4VY1ZlRuVnsEzsiAm7zgjnZ7Y7yZ1J7ipaXOsNOTXcING2u_RyZAvQMTrQLV0PhhN9uQAab__6NhoufnoySkeAsJzvbGdi9TqJTVuFCgeWBBalwZYtqhqBpGh9kJz2y7/s1600/graduation+day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqGhhB85X9VosQ4VY1ZlRuVnsEzsiAm7zgjnZ7Y7yZ1J7ipaXOsNOTXcING2u_RyZAvQMTrQLV0PhhN9uQAab__6NhoufnoySkeAsJzvbGdi9TqJTVuFCgeWBBalwZYtqhqBpGh9kJz2y7/s320/graduation+day.jpg" width="320" /></a>Fully dressed, cap and gown draped over my arm and Rachel's photo in my hand, I headed out the door on my way to my graduation ceremony; to say I was beaming, would be an understatement. My classmates knew my story and were happy with my decision to carry Rachel's photo. We were given alumni pins and one of my fellow graduates suggested I use it to pin Rachel's photo to my gown; at first I wasn't sure, then I looked at him and said thanks, what a great idea; and so not only was she with me, now everyone could she her crossing that stage as well. It was perfect. She would be captured in my photo as I crossed the stage. </b></div>
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<b>When it was finally our programs turn to make our way across the stage, I felt as if I had wings. That feeling that you are exactly where you need to be, were you are meant to be, and that every obstacle has helped form the 'you' you are becoming. It is an amazing feeling propelling you forward, moving you to a new potential, to an awareness that everything in life is meant to teach; is meant to strengthen; is meant to form and shape us. That every stumble, every setback, only gives us new resolve to try again, to trust again and to believe that we are better for where we've been. Each scar reminds us of how far we've come, and how much more still lies ahead, and that each turn in the road offers us an opportunity to become more acquainted with the person we are meant to be. </b></div>
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<b>Life does not always play by the rules, and we are not always dealt the cards we need to stay in the game; but somehow we manage to make it. We find ways to use what we have been dealt, giving ourselves the opportunity to find creative, new ways to get back into the game; and we do! </b></div>
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<b>Rachel began the dream, and I simply fulfilled it for her. We both graduated that day, and her and I walked hand in hand across that stage. A mother living out the dream of her daughter, through the very same spirit that had given her the wings as a child to take flight, allowing her to be transformed into the beautiful young woman she had become. The chrysalis transformed into the beautiful butterfly, whose brief time on this earth, transformed the lives of countless others; and still continues to transform my life. Rachel is a very important part of who I am and continues to be a strong presence in my life. I sense and feel her presence in every aspect of my life, a constant reminder that she is near, and holds a very special place in my heart. </b></div>
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<b>Our loved ones are always with us and their love transcends death. It is <i>LOVE</i> that surrounds us and keeps us strong, it helps us heal as we make our way through grief, giving us the courage and strength to grow; to become. Love conquers all and it is love that keeps us going. </b></div>
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<b>Blessings! and until we meet again. </b></div>
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<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-36294952629965625512012-05-24T11:23:00.000-04:002012-05-24T16:07:22.649-04:00Keeping Memories Alive...<div style="color: #073763;">
<b>Keeping memories alive...when someone we love dies, we often fear that we will forget them. We fear that we may forget what they look like, their fragrance, their smile or the sound of their laughter. For a while, those were my fears, I remember a dream I had with Rachel shortly after her death; it was a still photo. I awoke that morning thinking why a photograph, why was it a image of her only? What did it mean? Looking back now I realize that it was my fear of forgetting her, of not having my daughter physically present, only her photographs. But in time, I have come to realize that I haven't forgotten her, will never forget her, I can't forget her. She is on my mind each and every day, and simple things remind me of her presence. Ironically I hear her laughter in her sister's laugh, I see her playfulness in my grandson's antics, and recognize her ways in things her brother does. So many subtle reminders that she is still very much a part of my life.</b></div>
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<b>There are so many ways we can honor and keep alive the memories of those we love. As we approach our Memorial Day Holiday (United States), we remember all those who have died to keep us free. We remember also our loved ones, who shaped us and helped us become the persons we are. This upcoming weekend affords us the ability to remember not only our fallen heroes, but all the heroes in our lives. </b></div>
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<b>But it does not have to be contained in one weekend per year, we can honor and remember our loved ones in various ways throughout the year. In my city, we have memorial runs for deceased members of the community; my brothers participate in motorcycle runs for various causes in memory of my dad, and others who have died from cancer; to name just a few. I honor my daughter's love of life, people and sharing by writing and sharing her story through my blog. Others have set up scholarships, community drives, planted a garden or tree, and so many other ways that are too numerous to list. </b></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Photo published with permission of Normand Fontaine.</b></td></tr>
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<b>Recently a friend, along with his family and friends, honored the memory of his wife, Janice, by participating in a fund-raiser, <a href="http://www.purplestride.org/"><i>Purple Stride</i>,</a> to help find a cure for pancreatic cancer. It was something he knew that his wife would not only love, it would have been something she would do, and that she would be cheering them on. To make the day even more memorable, he had T-shirts made with a photo of Janice and what she meant to the wearer. It was a wonderful day in which he was surrounded by a loving family and wonderful friends, as you can see from the faces in the photo he forwarded to me. And I truly believe Janice was smiling down upon them, very proud of all of them.</b></div>
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<b>We are only limited to our own limitations when it comes to honoring and remembering our loved ones. Like anything else in our grieving, it is finding what is best for YOU, and what you are comfortable with. A simple memory garden may be all you wish to do; visiting the grave and insuring that there are always fresh flowers or that it is neatly groomed; all these are gestures of remembrance. They all serve to remind us that the person we love, the person who died, is still very much an important part of our lives; that they are not forgotten, and they remain ever present in our hearts. Love is felt even over the chasm that is left by death. We feel their presence, walking beside us, in even the most subtle of ways, and our memories and what we do to relive them, reinforces the love we shared and continue to share with our loved one.</b></div>
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<b>May your memories bring you comfort, and may we always remember our heroes, both national and personal. May their strength and courage serve as a reminder that we all survive,</b></div>
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<b style="color: #073763;">Blessings! and until we meet again.</b><br />
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<b style="color: #073763;"><i><u>Invitation:</u></i> Please feel free to share your own memorial/remembrance stories and photos here on the blog. So many of us gain insight and information from others. A journey shared makes the distance feel so much shorter. Thank you!</b><br />
<b style="color: #073763;"><br /></b>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-55995988889781461742012-05-17T15:30:00.000-04:002012-05-17T15:30:03.472-04:00Wow! Really! is that the only thing you can say?<div style="color: #0c343d;">
<b><i>Why do simple phrases set me off? </i>Often I will hear people speak about what can get under their skin. Anything from certain sounds (fingernails on chalkboards instantly come to mind), smells, or cliche phrases that seem to slip from lips unbidden, to mention just a few. </b></div>
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<b>Thinking back to Rachel's death and the days, weeks and months that followed, I remember certain things and words that would irk me to no end. For me it was - 'be patient' or 'have patience;' - WHAT! my mind would scream. Why do I need to be patient? </b></div>
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<b>Yet now reflecting back on those days (I still do not care much for the
phrase, and you will not catch me using it when speaking to someone who is
grieving) I think I understand why it bothered me so. I had no
patience, I wanted answers and I wanted them <i><u>now</u></i>. My own inner turmoil caused so much impatience with myself, why could I not function, why was thinking, and doing and being so difficult. People around me added to the mix, I grew impatient with them for not getting it, for not trying to understand my pain, for not being there. Impatience surrounded me, so when someone said a simple 'be patient' I would lose it internally, luckily only voicing my dislike of the phrase to people who were at least patient with me. There were a host of other phrases, words and expressions that got to me as well, as I am sure you can think of one or two yourselves. </b></div>
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<b>In those dark early days of grief, we are trying to breathe, to get by, to understand, and when we hear, see or are reminded in anyway of our uncertainty and confusion, we feel angered. Angered at the source for the reminder; angered at ourselves for being so befuddled, and angered at the situation we find ourselves in. It is the frustration that causes our reaction and disdain, it reminds us of how vulnerable we are, and how uncertain our lives can be. </b></div>
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<b>In time we find our reactions ease up, we may still not care for this stimulus, but we at least tolerate it, and keep it to ourselves. We begin to understand the underlying meaning of what it represents, and start to find ways of coping and getting through it. For me it was learning to give myself time; time to accept Rachel's death; time to allow myself to grieve at my own pace; time to teach myself to be patient with me and in turn, with others. It was not and has not been easy, there are still occasions when I want to scream; when I want the answers right now; when nothing is making sense. But if grief has taught me anything is that we do have to be 'patient' with ourselves; we do have to give ourselves 'space;' and most importantly, allow ourselves to heal using whatever methods work best for us. Whether it be journaling through our loss, writing our story, or simply helping others; we find ways of making it safely across the abyss that is grief.</b></div>
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<b>When a statement, comment or any other stimulus causes any anxiety; stop! and ask yourself: Why does this get to me so? Where am I right now in the midst of all this confusion? What remains unanswered for me? Is it a personal reflection of how I feel? Sit quietly and reflect on these questions or any other questions you wish to formulate, and allow yourself the luxury of letting go. For me, I would journal with these questions, writing whatever flowed from my thoughts onto the blank pages before me. Often when I was done writing, I would not read what I wrote, I would simply close my journal and not give it another thought. This simple exercise freed me up to move on to something else, it was load-lifting for me; a great way to get rid of all the extra baggage I was carrying. </b></div>
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<b>You may not be a writer and that's okay, just simply reflecting on the questions you formulate, it also a great help. Like anything else in grief, you need to find what works for you, and only YOU know what that is. Remember always to be kind to yourself, to give yourself all the time you need, and to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Also finding others who are willing to listen, who understand the journey you are on, can and is an immense help during difficult times. Reaching out to others helps everyone involved. Grief may leave us feeling lonely but we do not have to be alone. </b></div>
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<b>So the next time you feel frustrated, angered or think the world is out to get you, stop and allow yourself to take a deep breath, and know that you will be okay and that you are not alone - ever!; your loved one is right there beside you guiding you through this journey. </b></div>
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<b>Blessings! and until we meet again. </b></div>
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<br />Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-46982802698593972862012-05-07T11:35:00.000-04:002012-05-07T11:35:52.689-04:00Strangers on the surface only...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">It is not too often that we see charity played out in our day-to-day lives, but I recently not only witnessed it, but experienced the most beautiful manifestation of this act at it's finest. This post is not about my journey through grief, but how we truly matter to each other, even in death. It demonstrates how intricately we are all connected, and how the death of a total stranger left a lasting impression on me and others present on that fateful day. This is an excellent example of how a simple man's death brought a community together...</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">“We
are One Body…”</span></i></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Every
once in a while we are given small glimpses of heaven; today was such a
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Earlier in the week I had been told
by my pastor that a gentleman had died, and that sadly he had no family or
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He explained that the funeral
director had called him, and wondered if he would be willing to say a few words
at the grave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strongly believing that
every child of God deserves a proper funeral complete with Mass, he told him
that he would have a funeral Mass for this man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The response was not out of the ordinary, “Father, it will just be you
and I at this Mass.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But
our pastor is a determined man, and began to share this man’s story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
reached out to the parish community, via the St. Vincent de Paul Society; the
Charismatic Prayer Group; Parish Council; Music Ministry; basically any one he
came in contact with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He spoke to the
principal at the parish school and elicited her help as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked me to get the word out, knowing I
would use my Facebook connections to reach as many people as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He simply reached out on behalf of this man,
for this man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised I would help
spread the word, but was not sure if I would be able to attend; but would do my
best to be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This
man’s funeral was held at 9 a.m. few days later; I arrived a few minutes
early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were a few people already
gathered and I thought to myself, this is a good number of people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I sat waiting for Mass to begin, slowly
more people began to enter the church filling in the seats all around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About a few minutes before the Mass began,
the students, faculty and staff of the school made their way to their reserved
seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #274e13; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #274e13; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Music
programs were distributed bearing the name of the deceased, and for all outward
appearances the church was filled with family and friends of the deceased.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It looked like any other funeral I had
attended, so what made this one so different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This man was unknown to any one of us gathered; we knew nothing about him
other than his name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He too, more than
likely did not know anyone present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet
here we all were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #274e13; line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To
my amazement, when the funeral Mass began, the church was full, a special
occasion kind of full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel a
profound sadness at this man’s plight, but also an overwhelming joy at how
people can and had pulled together when there is a need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt a connection to this man that I cannot
or will not try to explain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a
special bond, a profound unity with the deceased and everyone present at this
Liturgy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We truly were one body, we were
the arms and legs, the eyes and hands, we were ‘Church’ in the truest sense of
the word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the true definition
of “universal church,” this is the community the Apostles speak of in
Acts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">As
I headed back to work, I could not help but think to myself, this is Church,
this is the family I am proud to be a part of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is what keeps me rooted to my faith, it is these and other simple,
yet profound acts of mercy and charity, that remind me of why I am Catholic,
why we are in fact considered the “universal church,” and why I call my faith
community – home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My
sincerest gratitude goes out to the many parish communities that were present;
several of the area churches were represented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>People from all walks of life sat together as one, in communion with one
of our own, one of our baptized brothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This was by far one of the most beautiful experiences I have had, this
was a magnificent image of Christ represented in his body the Church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">All
this because one man truly believes we are all brothers and sisters in Christ
through our Baptism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span>Blessings! and until we meet again. </span></span></b></div>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8473270951204999405.post-6108717510069342002012-04-18T12:19:00.000-04:002012-04-18T12:19:11.393-04:00Oh no you didn't! You had to go there, didn't you!<div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>There are so many taboos in life, so many things that a person can't do, or things that can't be discussed. Death and dieing are just one of many topics that are skimmed over, not to be discussed. Yet like taxes, death is a certainty in our lives. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Recently I was asked to speak to teenagers about death; friends of theirs had experienced the death of a loved one, and the adults felt that it might be a good time to open it up to questions. Interestingly enough, with the invitation, came hesitation. What would I talk about? What details would I share? What if the parents are uncomfortable with all this? Was it possibly an over reaction to what was happening? What if this was a foreshadowing or omen? So many questions, so many fears spoken and unspoken, but yet this is a very normal reaction to this topic. As it is with so many similar topics - sex, religion, politics, etc., any subject matter that involves personal opinion, or societal restrictions. To allay any concerns, I simply extended the invitation to any parent or adult that wish to attend. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>The words from a recent <i>Boston Globe</i> article, <i>'Finding a better way to die'</i> by Dr. Ira Byock, sums up what our society perceives - <i>'There is this real superstition in our supposedly scientifically sophisticated society that if we talk about </i><u>death</u><i> we're going to make it true, and if we don't talk about it, somehow we're protected.'</i> </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Yet death does happen, every day, in every corner of the world, to rich or poor, young or old, healthy or sick. Death does not discriminate, and we are no more safe from it's grasp than our neighbors or friends. So whether we choose to silence the conversation, or discuss it, has no bearing on any outcomes. As a mother who has had to bury her daughter knows all too well, death makes the game plan and sets the rules, we are simply pawns.</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Why do I bring all this up? I feel it is important to allow questions to be answered, to listen to concerns, to allay fears. When my daughter died, I could not help my other children because I was too embroiled in my own emotional state. I was no help to myself, let alone anyone else. One thing I did urge and encourage my children to do, was find someone they could talk to; councilors at school, close friends, family, etc. What I have come to learn, is that if we don't talk about it, than our imaginations take over and creates a myriad of scenarios. It is the unanswered questions that lead to restless nights filled with all sorts of nightmares. Not that there is always answers, but at least acknowledging the death and talking about it, makes it easier to cope with. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">As I spoke and shared my story with these young people, I could sense the relief from the adults in the room. I had managed to discuss a 'taboo' subject without upsetting anyone, well almost anyone. I began my talk with a simple reminder that 'loss' comes in so many forms, that death is not the only thing we grieve. Grief, I explained, resulted from change - from parents divorcing; going to a new school; saying good-bye to a friend who is moving away; having a loved one serving in the armed forces; loss of home security/stability; dealing with a family member who is terminally ill; and so many more too numerous to mention here. Death of course being the most difficult grief to cope and deal with. </span></b><br />
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<div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>At the end of my talk, I found that there weren't too many questions, however, teens and adults as well took as many handouts as they could, focusing on what was relevant to them. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>If you now someone who is trying to get through a loss, let them know it is okay to talk about it. Don't be afraid that you won't know what to say, or may not have any answers. They are not looking for answers necessarily, but for someone who is willing to listen. And if questions do arise that you cannot answer, its okay to let them know that you don't know, but try to help them find ways to get the answer they need. Support groups, I can't emphasize that enough, are a great resource for anyone going through a difficult time, regardless of the cause of their grief. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>If you are the one coping with loss, find a willing ear, a hand to hold, and talk. If you have no one you feel comfortable enough with, find counseling or a support group. Trust me when I tell you, talking and sharing my story, my feelings, my emotions and confusion, has been a great help to me, helping me to continually move forward. Not everyone feels that this subject is off-limits or taboo, and when you find someone who understands, allow yourself the luxury of speaking from the heart. </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b> Our burdens and the burdens of others are so much easier to bear, when we ask for help, or offer help. <i>'There is no better exercise for the heart than reaching down and helping to lift someone up.'</i> ~~ Anonymous. We do not have to go it alone, nor do we need to fear talking about what troubles us. Life gives us the circumstances and obstacles, it is our task to find ways of coping, dealing and finding ways to move through our circumstances and obstacles. Know that you are not alone, ever!</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b>Blessings! and until we meet again.</b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b> </b></div><div style="color: #0c343d;"><b><br />
</b></div>Rose Mary Saraivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16277954414057319565noreply@blogger.com2