New Year's Resolution

The start of a new year, all I have heard lately is people talking about the New Year's resolutions.  This one plans to save some money, that one is going to lose weight, she's changing jobs, he's finally going to pop the question.  The funny thing is that, yes, some will actually follow through on their resolutions, but the major part of those making them will give up on them. 

This is a prevalent topic this time of year, so I looked it up and I have found the following stats on this very topic: 

Among the top new years resolutions are resolutions about weight loss, exercise, and stopping to smoke. Also popular are resolutions dealing with better money management / debt reduction.

      The following shows how many of these resolutions are maintained as time goes on:
            - past the first week: 75%
             - past 2 weeks: 71%
              - after one month: 64%
                - after 6 months: 46%

adapted from Proactivechange.com 

I have myself made resolutions in the past and even this year made a silent vow to myself to not only lose some weight, but to try and save some money as well.  

For those of us who are grieving, there are often no resolutions, we simply herald in a new year hoping that the pain will get easier to bear.  Taking each day as it comes, waking each morning wishing the emptiness won't feel so deep, the loneliness won't engulf us, and that we can find the strength to just go on.  

That first year, I made no resolutions, I really didn't give anything much thought at all.  I was merely going to begin another year, a little older, maybe a little wiser, but oh how so very different it would be.  I would not have my beautiful daughter to call, to say hello to, to hug, or even to advise if she wanted it.  2007 was just another year which held very little promise for me, or at least it seemed so at the time.  

But 2007 was not such a bad year, I began my current job, and I managed to survive that first year.  Then 2008 began peering around the corner.  Again no resolutions were made, but a feeling of hope, of maybe finding my way through the maze called grief, and I did not feel the reservations I felt the year before.  Each subsequent year brought more and more hope, I still did not feel the need to make any resolutions, but at least I felt good about the endless possibilities the lay ahead. 

This brings me to 2011.  As I mentioned earlier, this has been a bittersweet holiday season for me, and the ushering in of a New Year has not made it any easier.  Why?  I know I am letting go, I am healing, and in this process a part of me still wants to hold on, to hold on so tightly that it hurts.  I had been told that when I reached this point in my life, whenever that might be, I would find myself wanting to let go and resisting at the same time.  I didn't quite understand what they meant, until the fourth anniversary of Rachel's death this past September.  Since then I have had moments of peace and moments of inner turmoil.  There is a heaviness, which reminds me of those times when we are carrying a heavy load, we can see our destination just ahead, but the load almost seems impossible to carry those last few steps, we just want to stop, lay it down, and maybe even give up.  But yet, we trudge forward, reach our destination, unburden ourselves of the heavy load, and celebrate our success.  We did it!

This is where I am right now, I am carrying my burden, wanting to just stop, but yet I can see what lies ahead and I know if I just hang in there, I'll make it.  Of course, having a support system, family and friends who surround me and let me share my journey with them, really helps.  Speaking to others who have already been on this leg of the journey, helps even more.  Writing in my journal, which for me right now is this blog, also helps me speak out, share and work through what I am feeling.  I have cried more often lately, I feel sad and also slightly guilty, but I know that Rachel is with me, always.  She is of course always in my heart, but I know I can speak to her anytime I want, and I do.  

So for me 2011 will be a year of healing, of reaching beyond myself, finding my way and knowing that if we give ourselves the time and space to heal, we do.  I look forward to a year of new beginnings, new adventures and the beauty of opening up the 'present.'  We are given a new day, every day and what we do with it says so much.  I heard it said this past weekend at Mass, everyday is a chance to begin anew.  What has occurred the day before is history, we have the choice to make today the best it can be, to be the best WE can be.  

To all those of you who grieve, know that the pain does subside, in time you will feel the healing begin, and you will bask in the light of the love that you shared with your loved one.  The glow of their love will be reflected all around you, and the memory becomes a beautiful part of your everyday life.  They become an ever present part of who you are, not far from you at all.  They are the whispering winds, the soothing breeze, the twinkling star, the warm embrace and the gentle kiss, they are whatever you want them to be in your life.  

Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel, but most importantly, allow yourself to heal.  Take one day at a time, give yourself all the time you need, remembering always that only you know how you feel.  Allow yourself to find your way through this maze at your own pace, seeking help along the way from family, friends and even counseling, reaching out for support and understanding.  Let 2011 be a year of new beginnings, of healings and triumphs.  A year of allowing yourself to dream again, and of making wishes, and my wish for you is all that you wish for yourself. 

Blessings! and until we meet again.