Just A Grain of Sand

January has been quite an interesting month.  Snowstorms and freezing temperatures all wrapped up into new beginnings in 2011.  For my family and I it has been a month of transitions.  We recently helped my daughter and her family move into their first home. Since Christmas it has been packing and getting ready for the big move; then the settling in and adjusting to new surroundings, sounds and the newness of it all.  Quite exciting!

So many people felt that this would be difficult for me, but I have to admit it isn't bad at all.  I guess life has made me realize that change is definitely inevitable, there will always be comings and goings, and somethings just cannot be changed.  Yes I miss seeing my grandson almost every day, but my life is also filled with so much activity, that it is not a 'cry my eyes out' kind of missing.  Besides they only moved across town, less than 2 miles away, I can almost do that in a single bound, and the joy in my grandson's face when he does see me, makes the wait so worthwhile.  

Last night I started wondering why people felt I would be a basket case when my daughter moved out of our third floor apartment.  I had some people telling me that I would definitely find my self crying, I would be sad and maybe even depressed.  Wow, really!  As the days approached for the move, I kept checking in with me, how was I really feeling, was I sad?  Was I in a funk?  No, actually, I was excited and thrilled for my daughter, her husband and my grandson.  I remembered back to when my husband and I bought our first home, how excited we were, how we couldn't wait to move in.  How we were looking forward to Rachel (who was just over a year old) having her own yard to play in, and just the knowledge that this was home, our home. So I have not shed a tear, I am not in a funk and I think it is wonderful that another young couple have found a place they can call their own, they can call home. 

The only thing that I think of occasionally is that Rachel is not here to share in her sister's excitement and happiness; is not here to watch her nephew take in his new surroundings.  Most significantly, that Rachel was not present for my grandson's first birthday this past weekend.  All this plays heavy on my heart, but it is not a heaviness that I cannot bear, it is just a longing, an ache.  It also serves as a guage letting me know that I have come a long, long way.  That what just a couple of years ago would be so very painful, now is just an ache, and that I can and continue to make it day in and day out. 

This evening as I drove home from my bible sharing group, I looked at the clear sky, the twinkling stars and just marveled at the beauty of it all.  The crisp cold air reminding me of how alive I am, and  the stars letting me know that I am but a grain of sand in this vast universe.  But even in all its humbling majesty, I know that even in my smallness I am loved, I am someone, I am not alone.   This evening we read Exodus and I was struck by the line in Chapter 3:11-12, Moses said to God, 'Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring the the Israelites out of Egypt?'  HE said, 'I will be with you;...'  As I reflected on this particular line, I realized how many times I was reluctant, how many times I wondered how I could go on, why me?  Then as I reread the verse, I realized I have not been alone, and I am not alone.  HE is with me, and He has sent others to be with me as well.  I have had and still have my share of angels in my life in the form of family, friends and caring strangers.  In all the transitions in my life, I have been supported and cared for, there has always been hope and a helping hand.  


The knowledge that I am not alone has truly helped me come this far.  Today I was granted some insight in to what is happening to me, I came to the realization that I am definitely moving forward.  As I reflected on today and all it's activity, from driving my son to school, myself to work in the falling snow; to heading to my local college to begin yet another round of classes; to closing out the evening with bible sharing, and then just noticing the starry night sky; I have definitely rounded another corner in my life.  I am enjoying life, I am looking forward to new opportunities, I am reaching beyond myself and my pain, and allowing myself to 'become' whole again.  I am accepting Rachel's death, I am embracing it, and in doing so, I am becoming alive again.  The beauty of this transformation is that Rachel is now an integral part of who I am.  She is still my daughter, and I am most inequivacally still her mother.   I have not lost that, death has not 'robbed' that  from me, it may have taken my daughter out of my sight, but not out of my life.  There may no longer be the physical aspect, but the heart understands what the mind has yet to grasp, and I love it.  


I am healing, and God reminded me as He always does, that I am not alone, and when I don't have the strength or courage to go on, He will always be with me, giving me what I need to overcome the hurdles in my life.  

Know too, that you are not alone, you are loved and cared for, even when you feel that no one even knows your are here.  We may be but grains of sand, but without each an everyone one of us, sand castles would not exist, and beaches would definitely not be the same.  We are all very important, and together we can accomplish so much, even in our 'smallness.'


Blessings! and until we meet again.