Yesterday I mentioned receiving advice, some of it was welcomed and yet some left me so confused. I heard some of the most outlandish things, for instance "you have no way of knowing what I am go through." Hold up here, I thought I was the one suffering, yep, they were right, I had no idea. And of course, my daughter was young, so I won't even go into the scenarios I heard surrounding her death. I'm sure many of you have heard it all - "your life will have to change now," "oh, are you going to sell the house, the car, etc."
At the core of my heart, I really want to believe that these people actually meant well, I am sure many did. But one thing I have come to know is that people often don't know what to say, so they literally blurt out the first thing that comes to their mind; often unfiltered. I learned to take it all with a grain of salt, and that people are human, and when they are uncomfortable with a situation, they will often say or do things that they feel are okay. It makes them feel helpful, if you will.
If you search what not to say to a bereaved person, you will be amazed at what you will find. This link Women of Spirit http://www.womenofspirit.com/index.php?id=71, is just one of many examples of what is out there.
After my daughter died, I called around looking for a support group, I wanted one that focused on the loss of a child. There were many for widows and widowers, for those who had lost a parent, but none close by enough for bereaved parents. So I began to search on-line and once I could focus again, began reading as much as I could. I also realized that I could not travel down this road alone, and with the help of my doctor, found a great counselor. Together her and I worked through my emotions and feelings, helping me through this process called grief.
As I mentioned yesterday, we are not alone, and if we reach out to others, they cannot take away our pain, but they can make it a little easier. We also have to ask for help, many of our family and friends do not know what they can do to help us. If someone asks, "is there anything I can do for you," tell them what you need. They will be grateful to help, and you will feel comfort in knowing that they truly care. I had many people who either cooked us a meal, ran errands or simply just sat we me in silence. It was all good, it was all welcomed.
As for what to say, the words I most appreciated were simply "I'm sorry." It let me know they cared and allowed me to simply respond with "Thank You!"
Blessings. and until we meet again.
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