Does it ever get easier? I would like to say yes, I would like to believe it would. Today is a very difficult day for me, it is the anniversary of Rachel's death. I slept fitfully and awoke with a headache, and I know the pressure I feel are tears I am longing to shed. My two other children and I went out for a late breakfast, picked up some flowers and went to visit the grave. It is still so hard to believe that only 4 years ago we were all being told that we had to say good-bye.
Anniversaries are always difficult, even if it is years later. I still remember my grandparents' anniversaries, my father's and father-in-law's, and each of my aunts' and uncles', some I remember the date quite distinctly, others I know the month. My grandmother Rose died on July 28, 1976, and I still remember as if it were yesterday, especially since this was my real first experience with losing someone very close to me.
I often hear people say, what if I forget their face, what if I can't remember their smile, the sound of their laughter, I don't want to let go. Photographs of course help, but I can still see my grandmother sitting in her favorite spot on the sofa, while one of her grandchildren would play with her hair. She loved it and we did too. I was 19 when I lost my grandmother Elvira, and I still remember her long silver white hair and the way she knotted it on her head; and most memorable to me was sitting on her lap even into my nineteenth year.
Once the pain begins to ease, and the knowledge that they are always with us, even when we cannot see, hear or touch them; we begin to remember the love. I do not go to the cemetery often, but once in a while, I will visit maybe bring some flowers, or just say a prayer and stay for a little while. I know I can talk to Rachel anytime, and I do not need to be at the grave site to do so. I also believe that the body remains, but the soul is free and every where we are.
This day will pass, I will have survived yet another anniversary, I will remember, I cherish the memories, and I will always feel the love. On the front of Rachel's stone, are the words 'always in our hearts,' and how true, they can always be found there. It may hurt, are emotions may still be so very raw, we may lean upon the cold gravestone and feel so helpless, but I know that I am not alone. I will always have Rachel and I have all my family and friends, who along with me, remember all our loved ones and hold them all in our hearts.
Remember you are not alone, you will always have the memories, the love you shared and the love that continues to sustain you long after they have gone. As for anniversaries, do what feels right to you, if you need to just stay in bed, that's okay, if you find yourself at the cemetery, that's also okay. It is your grief, your pain, only you know what you are feeling, only you understand YOU! Take a walk, call a friend, or just reminisce for a while. Today I remember, today I allow my self to feel, to cry, to long for everything that was Rachel. Today I say hello and good bye all over again, and I know I will more than likely do this until the day I am reunited with Rachel and all my loved ones.
I would like to share with you what her friends shared with us upon learning of Rachel's death: "If you went into a garden, you would pick the most beautiful flowers... That's what God does. Your love will be felt forever!'
In loving memory of our daughter, Rachel, who brought us so much joy, taught us how to love unconditionally, and to accept everyone as one of our own. May God grant you eternal rest, and may perpetual light shine upon you.
Blessings! and until we meet again.