Why didn't Santa come to our house?

Last night I heard something that made me realize how grief affects those around us, especially children.  The holidays being one of those times grief is more prevalent in the people around them.

I was preparing for class, the subject being grief of children, siblings, only child vs. multi-child families, etc.  We were discussing how it affects children, how the birth order plays a role, and just the dynamics of childhood grief.

We were sharing our own life experiences and relating what we may have heard or seen.  There was one story that struck me.  A little girl recently came into class, the other children were talking excitedly about Christmas, and she listened and then said, ‘We are not having Christmas this year.’  ‘See my Daddy died and Santa won’t be coming to our house, and me and my brother aren’t getting any presents.’  ‘We don’t have a Christmas tree or anything.’

As I listened, my first reaction was those poor children, and then I felt for the mother, who probably couldn’t find the strength to do any of it.  The mom was more than likely feeling very little joy and happiness at this time of year.  The other aspect that came to mind was the societal piece.  Some cultures feel that the more austere your surroundings, the more somber the home, etc., that the bereaved family is truly respecting their dead, that it is only right.

Death is a natural part of our lives, we are born, and eventually we die.  Look around you, leaves fall off trees, everything in nature is born and dies, it is the ‘circle of life’ to quote Disney.  Yet in some cultures and societies, it is taboo to discuss death and children are shielded from it.  

But yet, children know so much more than we think.  They have their own way of dealing and coping, and depending on their age, their way of understanding it, as well.  For example, a child came into class, looked at the teacher, and said ‘my cousin lost her baby in her belly.’  The teacher said that the child said it so mater-of-factly that all she could say was ‘oh.’  The key there was that the child mentioned it, named it, and by doing so could move on.  There was nothing to fear, it was said.  ‘Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.’  —  Fred Rogers. 

Children are not oblivious to what is happening around them, they take their cues from the adults in their lives.  Now I look at the situation with that little girl who feels that death is unfair.  She is thinking that because her Daddy died, she can’t have Christmas, she won’t get presents, and when all the children share their holiday stories, she won’t have any.  She will feel alone and isolated.

All too often we are so wrapped up in our own grief that we cannot see beyond it.  This is quite understandable, and it is at this point where family and friends can truly help.  If someone has children, but they do not have the strength or ambition to do anything, someone else can help.

That first Christmas after Rachel died, we decorated.  I have two other children, my daughter was 21, and my son was 14 at the time of their sister’s death.  Yes, they were older, but my husband and I both agreed that the holidays had nothing to do with death.  We also knew that it would not change the fact that our daughter was gone; besides, I have my nieces and nephew who looked forward to Christmas Breakfast at Titi’s house, how could I disappoint!

Unfortunately there are many cultures who put undue demands on the bereaved.  They make the bereaved feel guilty if they decorate, send out greeting cards, etc.  Trust me, I know, I am Portuguese, French, Irish, Italian and Brazilian, with the most prevalent being the Portuguese.  When my daughter died, comments were made, people were appalled that our family put up decorations, sent out greeting cards, and so on.  I guess I was supposed to stop living.

We decorated, we hung Rachel’s stocking, we sent our Christmas cards, signing our names and including Rachel’s.  We continued with our traditions, changing them a little.  In lieu of gifts for Rachel, my family and I made donations in her name, to help those less fortunate.  Rachel’s stocking was filled with candy and small toys for her little cousins.  Each child received a special teddy bear for Christmas, which they were told was a special hug from Rachel.  We not only celebrated the holidays, we made sure Rachel was very much a part of our entire celebration, and we continue to do so every year.

So for those of you who have lost a loved one, yes do what is right for you, by all means, but if there are children involved, please think of them.  They are hurting and missing just like you are, they may not express it like you do, but they feel it.  Don’t worry about what the neighbors will think; they are going to think what they want too anyway.  Worry about those closest to you, think of them first, and do what needs to be done for you and your own family.

Remember nothing you do or don’t do will alter the fact that your loved one died.  Trust me, if it did, I’d be the first in line.  For me, I always think of my daughter, my dad, and all my deceased relatives and what they would want and expect from me.  I know that Rachel and my dad want only the best for all of us.  Rachel loved the holidays, how could I not decorate, she would be mortified if I didn’t go on living, finding joy and happiness in this wonderful season and the memories we created.

Yes, you should do what is right for you, but please look around you.  Are there children in your life?  What memories will they be left with?  How will they perceive the holidays as a result of the death of someone they love?  Will sadness be the only thing they associate with your celebrations?  Is it Christmas’ fault?  Why did Santa stay away, is he afraid of death too?  The children in your life have very active imaginations and believe me; they will come up with their own answers and conclusions.  

If you know someone who is unable to do anything for the children in their lives, by all means, try to help if possible.  The bereaved person may be unable to do so, and may really appreciate the help and concern.  To quote Mr. Rogers further, ‘Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me. ‘And ‘We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility.  It's easy to say ‘It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem." Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.’ 

The holidays are a time of giving, reaching out, and helping others carry their burdens.  It is a time to look beyond your own needs, to see the needs of others.  There are so many ways to honor and respect your deceased, while still letting children be children.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Fred Rogers quotes from Good Reads.com.

Why weren't you there when I needed you?

I have already received a few Christmas cards, started shopping, and play my Christmas CDs at home.  I am getting into the Holiday Spirit.  

Saturday after doing some holiday oriented activities with my daughter and grandson, my husband and I relaxed with a glass of wine.  No TV, no outside distractions, just sat enjoying each other’s company and talking.

Rachel of course was one of the topics.  Both of us still find it hard to believe that this will be our 4^th  Christmas without her. We talked about everything that people did for us, who was there for us, and even those we expected but never showed.  

Funny how four years later you still very much remember the people who came to support us, but more so, those who didn’t show up or call.  We talked about who made a point of seeing Rachel in the hospital and who didn’t, and so on.  Please do not misunderstand, we are not bitter or angry at anyone, we were just surprised by it all.

As we talked, we also discussed all that we have learned in these past four years.  We realized that even though we felt their absence, we have gained awareness that not everyone can handle certain situations.  We have come to understand that even though they were not physically present to us during a difficult time they held us in their thoughts and prayers.  

With this in mind, I look back over the last four years, and I realize that I too, was not always able to visit someone in the hospital, attend a funeral, or call someone in need.  It was just too difficult in the first year or so, it hurt too much.  I have gotten much better at making an appearance.  My personal experience helped me acknowledge the fact that others may be dealing with their own painful experiences or may be unable to respond because of past experiences.  

We all have our shortcomings, we all have our learned experiences, good or bad, and we all respond differently in a time of need, be it our own or someone else’s.  With this thought in mind, this is a great time of the year to let it all go, to forgive ourselves and others, understanding that we are all so very different.  That what we perceive as uncaring, is really just the way someone else copes.  I think back to my daughter’s wake, and my brother comes to mind.  He was in the building, but could not enter the room were my daughter was being waked.  He cannot bear to see anyone lying in the coffin or casket.  My family and I understand, but to an outsider it may appear as if he doesn’t care enough, which we know could not be further from the truth. 

This knowledge alone has helped me to be more tolerant, more understanding, and more aware of others and their reactions and responses to situations and events.  In an earlier post, ‘Oh, so what do you say’ I discussed what not to say, and how sometimes, because they do not quite know what to do or say, they will blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.  So too it is with their presence or lack thereof, they are not sure they can handle it, so they stay away.  It is not because of you or your loved one, it is their own personal struggle that may keep them away.   

For some, the death of your loved one is too close to home for them, they cannot deal with the reality of it.  For others, they may have gone through a funeral recently, and find it is too soon.  There are a myriad of possible reasons why someone stayed away.  If you find it is bothering you, talk to them about it, ask why.  That is okay to do, really.  Recently friends of ours where over for dinner, and they began to talk about the last four years.  Next thing we know, they are explaining why they could not be there, why they stayed away.  My husband and I glanced at each other, caught totally off guard, and realized that they felt a certain guilt, and needed to know from us that it was okay.  That we understood.  It opened our eyes, and helped us to look at everything from every angle.  

During this holiday season, keep in mind that we all struggle with difficult times in our lives, and even though someone dear and near to us may not be acting or responding as we would expect; they too are hurting.  They too may be trying to deal and cope with what has happened in their own unique way.  Be open to others, to their hurts, and their feelings.  It may be hard to see beyond your own, especially if this is your first holiday without a loved one, but know that they care, even if they may not show it in ways that make sense to you.  Just like you, they are hurting to, and are trying to get through the holidays as well.  

Your loved one is with you, always a presence in your life, and let the holiday season, however you celebrate it, be a time of love, hope and forgiveness.  Love is all things, in all seasons.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

What about the holidays?

Oh, the holidays can be so trying, so exhausting and if you have a loved one who has died, they are so much more so.  For many of us, this is a time of celebration, rejoicing, and connecting with family and friends, regardless of your religious beliefs.  

Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Bodhi Day, Shabe-Yalda, Long Night, Yule, or any number of Solstice celebrations, the month of December can be very hectic.  As you prepare for the festivities and rituals, you may find that your loved one's absence seems more profound.  It is as if you are dragging an emptiness with you.  

I remember surviving that first thanksgiving, only to be slapped with the fact that one of my favorite times of the year was fast approaching.  How was I ever going to do this?  I knew I wanted to put up the decorations, send out the greeting cards, and give presents, I just didn't know if I would have the energy.  It seems that those first few days into the Advent season, just caused me anxiety and stress.  

I wondered how putting up the Christmas tree would effect me.  How would I sign the Christmas and greeting cards?  What would I do with Rachel's stocking?  All these thoughts just plagued me in those first few days.  Just like today, as I wondered what to discuss, I felt I was in a state of flux.  I could feel the sadness, I feel today, knowing that yet again Rachel will not be physically with us to celebrate the holidays.  

Of course, that first Christmas season was very difficult, but the funny thing was that the second year was so much harder for me.  I guess I was still numb during those first holidays, she had died in September, so it was still early for me, I was still very much in a state of shock, of sorts.  The second year there were no buffers, no shock, it was reality.  This was no longer a dream, Rachel was really gone, and there was no way around this fact.  But yet I managed to survive the holidays, yet again, and have done so ever since.

One of the things that helped me in those first few days into the season, was my journaling.  The simple act of writing what I was feeling, helped me unburden some of the things I could not voice.  It freed my mind, giving me a place where I could release my thoughts, feelings and emotions without criticism or concern of having my words seem hurtful to others or having them pass judgement.  It was great.  

I chose to decorate and continue with many of the traditions our family have always participated in.  I knew in my heart that Rachel would not have wanted it any other way.  She loved the holidays, they were so very important to her, what she believed in and just the joy of being with family and friends, meant so much to her.  From early childhood, Rachel reveled in the Christmas season, she would brighten up like a Christmas tree when anyone would give her a present.  Just the joy of opening a package was enough, it almost didn't matter what was inside, it was the excitement of it all that made her happy.  And this enthusiasm was contagious to say the least.  

Yet, in my own family, I have had relatives who chose not to put up decorations after a family member had died.  When my grandmother Rose died, my parents decorated, but some of my aunts and uncles didn't.  My parents' reasoning was that first it was her birthday on December 25th, and second she loved the holidays, what better tribute.  For some of my aunts and uncles, they believed that by not decorating, they were also honoring her memory.  Was one more correct in their thinking than the other, no!  We all have to respect each others way of coping and dealing with grief and the holidays.

It's been said before, each one of us has to do what feels right to us.  Only YOU know what will or will not work, what feels okay, what you are comfortable with, after all only you know the pain you are in.  What I believe in and what I believe Rachel would want for us, may not be your belief or understanding.  A lot also has to do with how you and your family perceived the holiday season.  What it represented to you and your family?  We all have our own experiences of what this time of year means to us, and how we remember.  Were they fond memories, or were they not so good?  That too will have an impact on your approach to any of the celebrations and the holiday season.  

When our loved one died, also impacts the first holidays.  I remember the year my grandfather died, it was December 19th, we already had the decorations up, and after his death they stayed in place throughout the remainder of the season.  Yet my mom's brother and one of her sisters, took everything down.  It was a sad Christmas for all of us, but for me keeping up or taking down the decorations really made no difference as to the way I was feeling.   It was my grandfather that I missed, and nothing changed the fact that he had died.  

It was these earlier experiences with the death of a loved one that clued me into the fact the life continues, even if we step off the ride.  Everyone and everything keeps on moving as if nothing has happened.  We are the only ones aware that something is missing.  So far as the world is concerned it is just 'another day in the neighborhood,' and unless they know you, are not even aware that something has changed or that someone is missing from your life. 

You will make it through the celebrations, rituals and gatherings.  Yes, you will hurt, you will cry, and you will be missing your loved one, it is only natural.  How you choose to celebrate the holidays is of course entirely up to you and what you are comfortable with and capable of handling.  The most important thing to remember, is that, even though your loved one has died, and can no longer be with you physically, they are always with us.  You also have the memories of all the holidays before, so take out those pictures, hold onto that favorite ornament, and just allow them to be present, feel them all around you.  

Remember our loved ones may no longer be with us, but the love never dies.

Wishing you all a happy holiday season.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Making Memories...

'As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away.  All the love you created is still there.  All the memories are still there.  You live on--in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.'  Morrie Schwartz, from tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom (p174).

To say this book was incredible in an understatement, I truly received more than the author could have imagined.  For me it was being able to see life and death through the eyes of someone who is dying.  To understand that there is beauty in everything in life, even in the death of a loved one. Through the tears, we finally see the beauty that was their life, the gift.  

This particular quote truly struck me, and I know it is so very true.  Rachel loved everyone she called 'friend' and family in her book was automatic, how could you not love them, they're family.  I look at Rachel's life, my dad's, my grandparents, and every relative who has died, and as I ponder the very first line, it hits me.  Not one of my deceased family members, and even friends are forgotten, they are still very much a part of my life.  Just this past weekend my dad was remembered in a Mass, it was my way of celebrating his birthday (Nov. 30th).  After the Mass, a few relatives came by for coffee and pastry, it was our way of remembering  not only my dad, but others as well.

We talked about my dad, Rachel, my grandparents, uncles and aunts, and each of us remembered something special, something that made that person memorable for us.  As we spoke, you could not only hear the love, you felt it, there was a warmth that permeated our being.  We continued our journey down memory lane by sharing how sometimes we find that they have reached out to us, have made their presence known in small ways.  'All the love that is created is still there.'  Love reaches beyond everything, even beyond the grave.

How beautiful and comforting to know that no matter what, love is still felt and experienced long after we have said our good-byes.  Yes they are not physically present to us, but they are ever present in our hearts.  We do not forget them, because they were unforgettable to us, they brightened our lives, and even though their light no longer shines, it's afterglow still warms our heart; even years later.  

Rachel has been gone 4 years now, my dad 10 years, even my grandmothers, Rose who died 34 years ago, and Elvira 29 years ago, and a host of other relatives are very much an active part of my life.  On Thanksgiving Day, I quietly wished my Avo Elvira Happy Birthday, and in my heart, I knew she said thank you.  I felt her gentle kiss as I crawled up on her lap one more time.  It is amazing how much love we feel in these simple memories, how even almost 30 years later, it still brings tears to my eyes.

Think of all those people in your life who make you feel special, who take the time to say hello.  Look too, at your own life, do you take the time, do others enjoy your company.  What makes you special, what makes others in your life special?  Do you tell those people in your life that they are important to you?  Love is a beautiful gift, it is given to us on one condition, that we share it.  To truly love, you must give love, only when we give love freely, with no strings attached, do we fully experience it's incredible power and bask in it's glow.

Now the biggest question we all face is, Is my life memorable, do I love completely and unconditionally?  How will I be remembered, have I created memories that will last for years?  Will they still feel the love I shared in the days, weeks, months and years after I have gone?  If we look at our own lives, look at these questions, and answer them honestly and sincerely, would you change anything?  Keep in mind this is our one chance to get it right.  Make every day count.

When I think of these questions, I am always reminded of one of my favorite Christmas stories.  A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, in it Ebenezer Scrooge is taken on a tour of his life, past, present and future.  He is given the opportunity to see how his life has impacted others, and in doing so, he is able to change his ways.  He becomes a person who everyone respects, loves and who will be remembered long after he is gone.  He learned that to truly live, you must give of yourself, you must share the gift of you with others.  The rewards are far more precious than any riches one can accumulate.

Let us live each day loving others and making memories.  Think of your loved ones, and what they gave to you, what memories you have gathered, and know that these are treasures beyond compare.  

In the words of Morrie Schwartz, You live on--in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.' 

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Did you get it all done?

The last few days were a whirl wind of activity.  For those of us in the United States, 'black Friday' is a major shopping day; some people go as far as camping out days in advance.  They want to be the first in line to get all those special deals that all the advertisements have been promoting.  I watched as some of my family and friends planned out their approach to this bargain hunters euphoria.  

The plans are laid out, they decide which stores to begin at, best route, who is going, and what time they should meet up.  It is actually quite fascinating to observe.  As for me, I simply slept in the Friday after Thanksgiving, and took it easy the entire day.  It was perfect.  

I started thinking about all the things we plan ahead for, how we plan out our route, develop our itineraries, and make a list of everything we will need.  Once this is done, we now wait for the moment, and pray it all goes well, and that everything is done and completed without a hitch.  

But all the planning in the world, never quite prepares us for the death of a loved one, even if their death is anticipated.  The death of my daughter was the last thing I ever expected, after all she would definitely be outliving me, or so I thought.  When I lost loved ones to illness, we knew that death would be the eventual outcome, but even with this knowledge, and some brief discussion as to what we could plan on, it never happened the way we wanted or expected.  

Yet if we lived each day as if this was the only chance we had to get it right, would we plan and prepare, or would we fully live each day not worrying about the next.  Would we let each day take care of itself, or would we try to plan ahead.  For so many, we just go about our lives in the frenzied rush that all too often disguises itself as our lives.  Causing us to miss out on so much that is surrounding us, our lives, and who we are.

We may do some planning, especially if there were individuals who we needed to see, business we needed to tend to, a trip we want to take, and some preparing for the inevitable.  Would we get so wrapped up in all the chaos, preparation and planning, that we miss out on all that is important in our lives.  Would we take those people in our lives for granted, or try to enjoy all they have to offer.  

As I thought about all this, I realized how Rachel's death made me look at life from a totally different perspective.  Yes, I have my frenzied days when I cannot seem to get anything done, let alone get out of my own way.  I have those days were I need to plan ahead, and still yet, I have those days were I let things happen as they may.  It all depends on what needs to be done, when it needs to be done by, and what I feel are my priorities.  

When I look back at the last four years of my life, I realize how many times I just let my life happen.  I neither forced anything upon certain days, nor did I try to fill in any voids with busyness, I just let them happen, especially in the first year.  I remember how each day I awoke, and literally let it fall where it may.  There was no organization or structure on these days, just a compliance of sorts, letting whatever happened, happen.  I actually had almost an entire year of just 'letting' it happen, allowing each day to shape itself with me in it.

The beauty of grieving, it that it is all good.  It is what works for you, not what works for me, your sibling, or other relative.  ONLY you know what is best for you, you are the only ones that fully understands what you are going through.   You need to respect yourself, what you are going through, and allow yourself the time to heal, at a pace that is right for you.  

So plan if you have to, prepare the way, or just simply allow life to unfold before you.  Allow your own life to unfold, do not hold onto what cannot be returned to any of us.  Live your life as if today was the only day that mattered, the only chance to get it right.

Take nothing for granted, live each day fully, and enjoy all those people who have entered your life.  Gain from them , take what they offer and allow yourself to grow.  By doing this you allow yourself to heal, to see life for what it truly is 'a gift,' and teach yourself the importance of making every day count.  

On those occasions that you do find yourself spinning, just stop, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to step back.  This is your chance to make a difference, to help at least one other person change their course as well.  So grab life with gusto, live each day, and know that your life is all the better for knowing the person who died. 

Always remember the love, the relationship you shared, and that sometimes on those crazy days, your loved ones, all too often, are the beacon that lights your way.  There spirit and their love are your guides on those crazy, frenzied days, when nothing seems to go according too plan.  

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Thanksgiving With You

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today we are grateful for so much in our lives.  We are grateful for our families, friends, and everyone we encounter, near and far.  This is the one holiday of the year that we take stock of everything that has enriched our lives.  Even though our hearts maybe saddened by the fact that some of our loved ones cannot be present, we know that they are with us.  

My prayer for you this Thanksgiving Day is that you may find joy in all the simple things life offers, the smile on a baby's face, the gentle nod from a stranger, and the warm embrace of family and friends.  All these things are what truly matters, these are the treasures that we keep safe.  

I have already shed some tears, I have already laughed, the feast is ready to be served, and now we wait for our guests to arrive.  We will enjoy the meal, each others company and the stories that are shared, it is a good day.  I love Thanksgiving.

If you are unable to join family on this holiday, know that you are not alone, you are never alone.  We are all together, we are all family and even though we may not be physically together, we are all together in spirit.  Our hearts see and understand what our minds and common sense cannot comprehend.

For some of you this maybe the first holiday without your loved one, I know it is not easy, I know it does not feel or seem right, but even though they are not present, they are very much a part of this day.  It is okay to cry, it is okay to laugh, and it is okay to include them some how.  I have made Rachel's favorite dessert and have plenty of extra stuffing, just in case.  You will do what is right for you, but remember the love, and that will guide your through this day.

Wishing you all the best this Thanksgiving Day.

Cherished RitualLord, as we pause in our busy lives
to gather around the Thanksgiving table,
sharing the precious bond among family and friends,
let us remember that this abundant harvest,
this feast of delicious and nourishing dishes
is the fulfillment of our faith
that You will always provide for us.
As we go through this cherished ritual,
the Thanksgiving holiday ceremony,
let us feel the comfort of Your care for us
in every bite we eat and enjoy.
In this tradition,
begun by courageous travelers long ago
to thank you for their lives and safety,
we thank You
for the joy and happiness you give us, to lift us up,
and also for the sometimes difficult lessons and challenges
You give us to make us stronger, better,
and more aware of our need for You.
Thank you for the support and courage You give us
to get through troubled times.
Thank You for answered prayers
and also for the times You said "no,"
to keep us from stumbling off Your path for us.
We know that in all things,
You are working for our good.
Now, as we draw together in unity
to savor this wonderful dinner,
we are thankful for those who prepared it,
for those who join us to enjoy it,
and most of all, we thank You, Lord,
for the many different kinds of blessings
You continually grant us.
We pray that You'll bless this food,
and bless all of us as we gather together.
In Jesus' name we pray; Amen.By Joanna Fuchs 

 

Blessings! and until we meet again.