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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

They Just Don't Get It

Recently I was asked why some people 'just don't get it.'  Often we come across people who seem so cold and callous, as if impervious to the feelings of others, yet we know they have experienced similar losses.  One of the basic needs of a griever is to feel and express the gamut of emotions that flood them during a difficult time.  Maya Angelou once said: 'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.'  Grief is hard work, it takes time and requires our full attention at first.  When we choose to ignore it, eventually it will rear its ugly head, and often at the strangest times.  

The key with grieving is our ability to 'share our story.'  This is a time when we need to reach out to others, find a listening ear, and let our story spill out.  When we bottle up our feelings and emotions, these suppressed feelings begin to eat away at us.  How often have you tried to hold back tears and found yourself having a difficult time swallowing because you could feel a huge lump in your throat, or have an unbearable heaviness in your chest and shoulders.  There is a price we pay for not working through our grief.  Yet so many individuals (often through no fault of their own), have pushed aside the hurt and emotions that come with the death of a loved one in hopes of getting on with their lives that much faster.  

These are the individuals who sometimes come across as impatient with others who they perceive as 'wallowing' in their grief.  These are individuals who have in fact experienced the death of a loved one themselves, but did not fully enter into their grief.  For those of us who reach out to these individuals hoping they can shed light on our own sorrow, we find ourselves stopped by a protective barrier of their own design.  They too may have reached out to someone during their sorrow, only to be pushed back and in turn that is all they know.  The lesson they may have learned about grieving is that it is a private 'thing' and 'no one really wants to hear it.'  

Fortunately for so many of us, the media has been more in tune with the emotions and realities of grief, and more and more shows and movies address the aftermath of loss.  For Downtown Abbey followers, Tom and Mary found that they could talk to each other about their subsequent losses and how it felt to be alone, and the confusion that surrounds us when we have lost someone we love.  The TV series Madam Secretary touched upon the many facets of grief, and how even within our own families there can be so much turmoil, confusion and conflict, especially if the death was suspicious or a suicide.  There have been a multitude of movies that broach the subject of death, and life after death.  Ghost showed us that the love does not die with our loved one; Field of Dreams demonstrated how we can be inspired by those we love even after their deaths.  The list goes on and on, there are so many more that speak of death and how we react to those losses.  At whatsyourgrief.com, you can find a list of just some of these movies, with additional movies listed by those commenting on the blog post.

Yet so many people will do everything they can to avoid the feelings and emotions that run wild during our grief; only to find them surfacing months or even years later.  Sadly for many individuals in order to suppress their feelings, they turn to other means of coping, which too often are unhealthy and can have devastating outcomes.  Many have told me that they began using substances such as drugs or alcohol to continue achieving a numbness, in hopes of not feeling and avoiding the pain that follows a loss.  Other addictive behaviors can also be used to avoid the seesaw ride of emotions in hopes that it will all go away.  Shopping, gambling, promiscuity, Internet, etc.; just about anything that begins to take on a life of its own causing us to fore go all other activities and/or other people.  Activities and behaviors which take us down paths that result in further losses and emotional turbulence.  

We have so many choices in life, and what we do with these choices dictate the outcomes.  We are all creations of the environments we grew up in, but that does not mean we need to continue repeating what we learned.  How we cope is learned from those we observed and looked up to, what we do with the lessons we learned is up to us.  It is true that each and everyone of us grieves in a totally distinct way, but the important factor here, is to grieve.  We need to grieve, we need to enter into those feelings and emotions, we need to allow ourselves to be angry, sad, happy, confused, and every other emotion in between.  There are certain rights of mourners, and so often we choose to ease the uncomfortableness of others and disregard our own right to mourn and grieve.  In grief, we often forget we are the one that is going through the sadness and hurt of losing someone we love, and forget to give ourselves the permission we need to enter into that loss.  

Too often we allow the misconception and misguidance of others to decide on how we should proceed through this maze of loss.  We even get mixed signals and directions from those who we know have been there before us.  The best advice I and many others can give to anyone who is joining the ranks of the bereaved, is to educate yourself about grief.  There are so many helpful websites, such a The Grief Toolbox and Griefnet.org, and dedicated sites for those with specific types of loss, such as: SurvivorsofSuicide.com and SurvivorsofHomicide.com.  There are a multitude of sites that can at least help you find some answers and explanations as to what you are experiencing, and that let you know you are not alone.  When my daughter Rachel died, it was sites such as these that kept me afloat.  Forums, blogs and informational sites helped me realize that what I was experiencing, feeling and doing where normal and natural reactions to the death of my daughter; and that I had nothing to feel ashamed of or hide from.  In educating myself, I was able to work through my loss, deal with the people who 'didn't get it,' and regain a sense of normalcy in my upturned world.  

The most important thing to remember is that you have suffered through the loss of someone you loved, someone who has been a part of your life, and has left an indelible mark on your heart.  You have the right to mourn and grieve for this person and no one can take that away from you.  For this very reason so many sites list the Mourner's Code or Griever's Bill of Rights, written by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., Center for Loss and Life Transition (www.centerforloss.com), because we and others need to be reminded that we have earned the right to grieve.  Humans have grieved since the beginning of time and continue to do so, until we ourselves die.  This has been such an integral part of humanity, that rites, rituals and customs have been created and instituted by every race, creed and belief system to help us cope with our losses.  So the next time you come across someone who is unsympathetic or lacks compassion, let it go, and just remind yourself that they 'just don't get it!'  Someday maybe they will, and hopefully with the knowledge and experience you gained, you will be there to help them.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

33 comments:

  1. Thanks for writing this inspiring piece. I really needed to read this today because I am going through grief at the moment, and was almost going to hide it to make others feel more comfortable.

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    Replies
    1. I have often scoffed at others during their time of morning. I've experienced horrible grief and I probably never really grieved for my circumstances. I often feel ashamed that I didn't come across with understanding for other people's experiences similar to mine. I've often taken an introspective look at my situation and felt a Ting of jealousy for those that can openly express it. It was by happenstance that I landed on this perspective looking for someone. I guess I have to learn that grief is not a weakness. We don't have to put on a brave front all the time in our sadness. I mostly avoid sadness as much as possible. I've actually gotten quite good at it avoiding it. That's what I find most disturbing is worrying about making others comfortable. I don't think I like skipping stages and would like to thank you for posting this.

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  21. That’s easy enough to understand — after all, whether you’re buying a house or the euro, you want what you buy to be worth more than you paid for it. The difference between these two prices — the ask price minus the bid price — is called the spread. The bid price tells you how much of the counter currency you can buy when you sell one unit of the base currency. Within a pair, one currency will always be the base and one will always be the counter — so, when traded with the USD, the EUR is always the base currency. When you want to buy EUR and sell USD, you would buy the EUR/USD pair.
    However, in FX trading, leverage is the quintessential double-edged sword; it simultaneously boosts profit potential and assumed liability. During volatile periods, an unfortunate turn in price can generate losses in excess of deposited funds. The result can be a premature position liquidation, margin call or account closure. Flexibility and diversity are perhaps the two biggest advantages to trading forex. The ability to open either a long or short position in the world's leading major, minor or exotic currencies affords traders countless strategic options. First, the availability of enhanced leverage and abundance of trading options can seriously test one's discipline.Experienced traders such as Coleman D’Angelo have several recent videos with strategy explanations and software advice. The most profitable forex strategy will require an effective money management system. One technique that many suggest is never trading more than 1-2% of your account on a single trade. So, if you have $10,000 in your account, you wouldn’t risk more than $100 to $200 on an individual trade. As a result, a temporary string of bad results won’t blow all your capital. User generated alerts can be created to ‘pop up’ via simple broker trading platform tools, or more complex 3rd party signal providers can send traders alerts via SMS, email or direct messages.In a long trade, the trader is betting that the currency price will increase in the future and they can profit from it. A short trade consists of a bet that the currency pair’s price will decrease in the future. Traders can also use trading strategies based on technical analysis, such as breakout and moving average, to fine-tune their approach to trading. James Chen, CMT is an expert trader, investment adviser, and global market strategist. The foreign exchange market is a global decentralized market for the trading of currencies. Forex market revolves around more or less eight major currencies. https://www.reviewengin.com/trade-juice-review/

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  22. We specialize in cloud-based Web and Mobile App Development. We build highly scalable and flexible web and mobile applications that are capable of handling complexities. Some of us want to be a jack of all trades, and it will hurt us in the long run. What do you think is the best form of advertising an ecommerce on a very small budget. I think, the most important thing about starting a new business is knowing your “why”.Please share details of any issue you’re having with WPForms by contacting us here if you have an active subscription. If you do not, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us in our support forums. The biggest reason for shopping cart abandonment is extra costs that are too high. The product with the highest abandonment rate is clothing (40%), followed by tech (18%), and home products (16%). https://www.storeboard.com/forums/topic/117758/knowing-these-9-secrets-will-make-your-internet-marketing-look-amazing/

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  23. While cryptocurrencies obviously get all the hype and coverage, there’s tons of experimentation being done with blockchains in a bunch of different fields. “Smart contracts” may be the most transformative blockchain application at the moment. These automate payments and the transfer of currency or other assets as negotiated conditions are met. For example, a smart contract might send a payment to a supplier as soon as a shipment is delivered. A firm could signal via blockchain that a particular good has been received—or the product could have GPS functionality, which would automatically log a location update that, in turn, triggered a payment.

    Consortiums are a combination of public and private blockchains and contain centralized and decentralized features. This is not a world of the future; it is a world that an avid but growing number of early adopters live in right now. And these are just a few of the important blockchain technology use cases that are transforming the way we trust and exchange value. Blockchain is challenging the current status quo of innovation by letting companies experiment with groundbreaking technology like peer-to-peer energy distribution or decentralized forms for news media. Much like the definition of blockchain, the uses for the ledger system will only evolve as technology evolves. Of course, there are many legitimate arguments against blockchain-based digital currencies.

    However, many would argue that Bitcoin is held to higher environmental standards than anyone and anything. This may be true, especially if you consider that the blockchain and Bitcoin are an alternative to the traditional finance system that uses much more electricity and has a much larger environmental impact. Bitcoin and Etherum are the two biggest cryptocurrencies and blockchains, so discussing and comparing them makes sense. Security is the ability of a blockchain to be protected from attacks. Unfortunately, exchanges and source code have been hacked on many occasions, suggesting that many developers focus on scalability and decentralization at the expense of security. Instead, decisions are made via consensus over a distributed network of computers.

    The Bank of Canada is testing a digital currency called CAD-coin for interbank transfers. We anticipate a proliferation of private blockchains that serve specific purposes for various industries. The analysis of public blockchains has become increasingly important with the popularity of bitcoin, Ethereum, litecoin and other cryptocurrencies.

    The blocks confirm the exact time and sequence of transactions, and the blocks link securely together to prevent any block from being altered or a block being inserted between two existing blocks. To speed transactions, a set of rules — called a smart contract — is stored on the blockchain and executed automatically. A smart contract can define conditions for corporate bond transfers, include terms for travel insurance to be paid and much more. Scholars in business and management have started studying the role of blockchains to support collaboration. https://www.reviewengin.com/how-will-blockchain-change-the-world-2022/

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  24. The most important VR gaming accessory is the one you wear on your head to immerse yourself in the game. Products range from high-end, motion-control VR headsets that capture and transmit your full head and eye movements, to more simple VR goggles that merely display the simulated 3D game environment. This unique perspective and playability is primarily achieved using the advanced VR headsets or goggles that are part of nearly every VR gaming experience. For additional input and control, a variety of add-on devices may be used to translate the player's real-life movements into on-screen action. There’s a second class of Virtual Reality HMD that is really just a shell with special lens that pairs with a smartphone to deliver a VR experience.The early success of Oculus Rift on Kickstarter has made the crowdfunding site a focus for VR startups touting interesting hardware. The current life cycle of virtual reality may have begun when the earliest prototypes of the Oculus Rift showed up at the E3 videogame trade show in 2012, but it’s been licking at the edges of our collective consciousness for more than a century. The idea of immersing ourselves in 3D environments dates all the way back to the stereoscopes that captivated people's imaginations in the 19th century. If you present an almost identical image to each eye, your brain will combine them and find depth in their discrepancies; it's the same mechanism View-Masters used to become a childhood staple. The newly rebranded-to-Meta Facebook might eventually be pushing the Quest 2 and other Oculus devices even further, with a bigger eye for broad platform integration. https://www.reviewengin.com/virtual-reality-augmented-reality-digital-revolution/

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