From this day forward...

Thirty-one years ago today, I was preparing for the most exciting day of my life.  Today my husband Tony and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary.  As many of you who have celebrated anniversaries, birthdays, or any monumental moments in your life know, there is so much that marks each passing year.  Yes, there are many times in my life that I would like to change, redirect, or eradicate completely, but alas! that wouldn't lead me to where I am today.  

So where am I exactly? That's a great question, and I am sure there is a philosophical response out there somewhere.  But for now, suffice it to say I am where I need to be.  (Sorry, it sounds so cliche!)  Okay, sometimes I really don't know where I am, or let alone know where I'm going.  And unfortunately life does not come equipped with a GPS; so there is no voice reminding me to take the next left or that I am going in the wrong direction.   Over the years I have found myself at times getting to my next destination unscathed, other times having had to make detours along the way, and still other times, totally confused and lost.  Each wrong turn, each moment of total confusion, each dead end, led me to a new awakening, a revelation into who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.  

For those of you who do not know me, I love getting lost!  Yes! I do.  Always the adventurer, I will often take a wrong turn on purpose to see where it will lead me (unless my husband is in the car).  I will take long drives (even though gas prices are out of this world), camera in hand, and just let the road lead me.  On occasion, I will take a turn that leaves me a bit scared, frightened or totally disoriented.  At these moments, I stop, say a quick prayer for guidance, and retrace my steps.  

Life is so similar, we head out in one direction, finding ourselves going no where near our original itinerary.  When I look back over these 31 years, I can see so many welcomed and unwelcomed detours, dead ends and seemingly endless roads.  My life has been so filled with happiness and sadness, blessings and curses, new beginnings and sudden stops, and yet looking back, I wouldn't change it all that much.  Not that I liked everything about it, but I do like who I have become, and where these bumps have taken me.  

Like so many of us, we have all had our share of ups and downs, but if we allow them to shape and mold us, we become ever stronger, ever more resilient, and we learn to learn from these experiences.  Thinking back to my wedding day thirty-one years ago, I remember being so full of anticipation, so full of hope, and so filled with a wonderment and the excitement of a new beginning.  

Every day is a new beginning for each and everyone of us.  Every new day gives us the choice of discovering who we are, and where we are going.  I am no stranger to loss as you are all very much aware of, and losing my daughter was definitely one of those moments when I came to a sudden stop; when all of a sudden, I had no idea where I was, where I was going, or even who I was.  To say I was frightened and scared would be an understatement at the very least.  

It has been five years, going on six, and I am slowly finding my way.  In that first year after my daughter's death, I was totally lost, totally in the dark, but somehow I continued to travel.  Even though I had no idea where I was going, I chose to allow the road to lead me.  I was very blessed to have wonderful people in my life who served as guides, who where willing to hold up road signs on my journey; and who occasionally would take the 'wheel' when I was totally lost.  I also learned that I sometimes needed to stop and as for directions.  For me it was finding a counselor, someone who would hear me, listen to me, and allow me to say anything and everything, that was jumbled up in my mind.  Someone who had no personal connection to me, my life, or any preconceived notions about me at all.  

If I may impart one small iota of advice, no matter what you are going through, do not attempt to go it alone.  Find someone who is willing to listen, to hear you, and allow you to be who you need to be at that particular moment in your life.  Counseling was a great help to me, also finding support groups with like-minded people (that is people who have experience a loss similar to mine), and just having family and friends who were willing to 'just be there' for me, helped me out of tight situations, dead ends, and wrong turns.

We all face change, challenges and crises in our lives, it is what we do with them that defines who we become.  In the midst of all this celebrating, I am also celebrating my birthday, and when people ask me my age, they hesitate (one - there is the unspoken rule that you don't ask a woman her age; and two - there is the fear that you might just not be welcoming this new year), but I don't mind, I am actually very proud of my years.  I have a mantra that I live by,  'I love were I have been, I cherish where I am, and I look forward to where I am going.'  God willing I will have many more years ahead of me, both in anniversaries and birthdays, and I pray that I will always welcome the adventures that lie ahead.  

Take the journey, live your life, and live it as fully as you can.  Remember also, that even though our loved ones are no longer physically with us, they are always with us, always near, always in our hearts.  They now serve as guides and companions in our life-long journey, an integral part of who we are.  Their love surrounds us and protects us in ways we cannot fathom or understand, and that for me is the greatest comfort of all.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Four Funerals and a Wedding!

It has been quite a busy time for my family and I, so much has happened in the past few weeks.  The events have brought with them a multitude of emotions, as well as getting under old scars and wounds that I'd felt were beginning to fully heal.  

I have had several funerals, all involving family members or very close friends, each a poignant reminder of my loss, of how much it hurts, and how much they are going to be missed.  Wakes and funerals still have a sting, still cause me to feel a lump in my throat, I walk in with a strong sense of apprehension; to say it is one of my least favorite activities, would be an understatement.  

In the midst of all this, my daughter was planning her wedding celebration.  A small affair by my family standards, but still an emotional, eventful and joy-filled day.  Very contrasting events, that have an overwhelming way of playing havoc with one's emotions.  Events that both speak of life, love, and ironically, new beginnings.  Both require adjustments, changes, new perspectives, and the courage to step totally out of one's comfort zone.  

Amazingly, our lives are filled with life-changing events, from births to deaths, from weddings to divorces, from having a roof over our head to becoming homeless, from beginning a new job to facing unemployment, from buying your first home to losing it to the bank, and the list can go on and on.  All these events and so many more have profound ways of changing our lives, of changing who we are.  But it is the events and happenings in our lives, that form us, making us who we are, helping us become who we can be.  

The past five years of my life, I have witnessed a dramatic change in me.  I have hopefully changed for the better.  I know I have much more compassion for others, I am more willing to see beyond the surface and recognize the hurt that lies beneath.  I have learned to tilt life and events, and see it from as many angles as possible.  I have embraced my own weakness and in doing so have found unfathomable strength, and have gained the ability to recognize it in others.  My loss and life has taught me so much, my only hope is that I can continue to be a willing pupil.  

Life is not always fair, it definitely follows it's own set of rules, but if we are open, we can learn so much from it.  I recently read a quote that speaks volumes to me, from Testing 101: 'When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is remember the teacher is always quiet during a test.'  For me this quote was reassurance that I am not alone, ever.  That my faith, my beliefs, have helped me cope during life's 'tests' and that somehow I found myself guided through the difficulty.  

We will always be faced with trials, we will always come across challenges, how we cope and where we seek help, determines the length of the journey.  My journey has not diminished, my journey is definitely not complete and probably never will be, but I know that through every up and down, through every dark tunnel, I will somehow find my way, will make it.  I will be able to attend life's happy and sad occasions and recognize the gift in every event.  For my family, the blessing of a wonderful son-in-law, beautiful grandchildren, and the promise of life filled with love and laughter.  For those whose loved ones died, the blessing of the life lived, of the friendships shared, of the memories created and cherished, and the joy of knowing that their lives were filled with love and laughter.

Life is a gift!  A gift to be cherished and cared for, to live each day as if it is the only one that matters, to truly LIVE LIFE remembering to take no-one for granted.  And to hold onto our faith, to cling to hope, and to always remember that no mater what - Love conquers all!

Blessings! and until we meet again. 

'Hakuna Matata'

'Leave your past behind you.' and 'Hakuna Matata.'  two wonderful quotes from the Lion King.  Great advice, but sometimes your past refuses to be left behind, and you unfortunately have 'worries' to deal with. 

This weekend I played hostess to an impromptu baby shower for my daughter.  This is her second child, so it really was a small gathering of people.  She already has so much from my grandson, so it was mainly to help her buy what she will need after the baby arrives, diapers, t-shirts and so on.  It was really a great afternoon, lots of food and fun, and a complete surprise for my daughter. 

So you are probably wondering, what does this have to do with the past?  This is exciting, promising and wondrous all wrapped up in the joy of a new baby coming into our lives.  You are right, it really shouldn't have anything to do with the past, but alas, it does. 

The night before Rachel's death, I was getting my home ready for a friend's shower, whose baby would soon be my godchild.  That evening, I prepared the favors, decorated the rooms of my house, and started preparing some of the foods, and scanned my to-do list for the next day.  Guests would be arriving in the afternoon, so I would need to be completely ready by 12 noon.  As I lay in bed I hoped it would all go well, and that she would enjoy her special day.  Well as you are very much aware, my day did not go as planned.  In the wee hours of the morning we were headed for the hospital, and to a life that would never be the same again. 

So what does this all have to do with my daughter's shower?  The night before, a couple of us prepared the favors, and as we sat around joking, I confessed that I was a little scared and nervous.  The last time I had planned to host a baby shower in my home, things had not gone so well.  A fear I realized was unfounded, but a fear just the same.  They acknowledged my concern, understood my unease, and we talked about it for a bit and then right back to the task at hand.  Later on after they had gone, I sat catching up on some favorite TV shows and cried. 

Why was this bothering me so much, why was I so afraid.  It would be okay, everything would be fine, and go well, I had nothing to worry about.  But there is something called PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and anyone who has ever experienced a life altering event, knows exactly what I am talking about.  Most of us associate this syndrome with war veterans, rescue workers, medical staff, etc., but it is very real for so many people, regardless of what their occupations may be or their lifestyles.  PTSS really shows no partiality, everyone and anyone can fall victim to its untimely visits.  

For me the simple task of tying ribbons on favors, brought to the surface, many unaddressed fears.  It also triggered vivid memories of the day that followed, and the harsh reality that life can change at the drop of a dime.  As I sat there crying, I kept thinking to myself, wow it's been five years, why am I having a hard time controlling my feelings and emotions.  Everyone keeps telling me that the five year mark is a pivotal time frame, so why am I spinning instead of simply turning the corner.  

So I did a mental checklist:

                      Yes, I know that Rachel is gone.

                      Yes, I have come to accept that she is not coming back.

                      Yes, I have adapted to a new 'norm' in my life.

                      Yes, I know she is always with me, a heartbeat away.

                      Yes, I share her story, and let others know it is okay to talk about Rachel.

Okay then, everything seems to be leaning towards my full acceptance of Rachel's death, so why did this hit me so hard.

Whenever any of us experiences a traumatic event, we protect ourselves by locking away unpleasant memories, our minds keep them hidden until suddenly a simple thing unlocks it.  Thankfully, I recognized what was happening, but all the same it took its toll on me.  I found myself unable to sleep, and staying awake until 1:30 a.m.; at which point, I convinced myself that the phone would not ring and I could get some rest.  Even though I seemed to come to grips with what was happening, I didn't decorate my home until after I came back home from Mass.  It was around 12 noon when I finally began hanging the decorations and preparing my home.  

Even though my heart knew everything would go beautifully, my mind kept reminding me of what could happen.  Needless to say, I survived, the day went wonderfully, everyone had a great time, and my daughter received much needed baby supplies.  

Anything goes in grief, there are no rules, no guidelines, and time frames are only estimations.  We all cope and deal with life's alterations at our own pace, regardless of what the 'experts' say or how others have handled it.  We are as unique as grief itself, and grief in turn is as unique as we are.  What seems abnormal in normal day-to-day living, can be quite normal for the griever.  If however, you find yourself unable to function, even years later, please find help.  Speak to your physician, find counseling, get together with others who have been where you are.  Letting it out, allowing yourself to vent, speaking it out loud, truly help with the healing process.  So be good to yourself, give yourself space, and know that once in a while, you may hit a bump in the road.  Sometimes it is just a simple little pebble, and other times it may be a boulder which might require a little more maneuvering to get around it.  Most importantly, allow yourself to grieve, when you do, you will allow the healing to begin.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Our Annual Family Reunion!

Another family reunion has come and gone, but the memories we create definitely last a lifetime and beyond.  Yesterday was our 13th annual family reunion, it was so wonderful to see family members, and just catch up on what has been happening over the past year.  It is beautiful to see that our family is continually growing with new additions almost every year.  It was so much fun to watch all the little ones having a great time, playing with cousins they don't get to see too often, it's just wonderful. 

We also miss those who could not be there this year because of distance, commitments or life, but luckily there is generally lots of photos taken, so they at least can feel a part of the festivities in some way.  Of course we also feel the sense of loss, feel the void of those who are no longer with us.  But somehow they manage to let us know they are near, watching over us.  For example, just as we began to gather for prayer prior to eating, a beautiful large butterfly floated by, and I knew Rachel was present.  As the day progressed, my dad, uncles, aunt and grandparents where very much on people's lips.  They were part of conversations, especially as a photo album was being passed around.  Even though each of our deceased family members were not there physically, they were most definitely there in spirit.  

Memories where shared, laughter abounded as old photographs were circulated.  Younger cousins,  nieces and nephews, laughed and poked fun at hairdos and clothing styles, or how serious people looked in older photographs.  But what truly amazed me, was the connections that were occurring as older relatives shared the stories, and younger family members took them all in.  For some, it seemed they couldn't get enough, a simple reminder that there are so many stories to be told.  We are all story-tellers, we are commissioned to pass the baton to the younger generations.  It is through the stories and sharing that they come to know those family members they never got the chance to meet.  These are the stories of great-grandparents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and all those people who made us who we are; FAMILY!  

My grandson recognizes his Auntie Rachel's photograph, and in a few years when he can comprehend, we will begin to share her story with him.  Like my grandson, for so many family members, that is there only connection with deceased family members.  I noticed it yesterday with some of the younger cousins from my generation, those who did not really have the opportunity to know my grandmother, those born after she had died.  They longed to have pictures of her, i-phones, etc., came out of the woodwork as they eagerly took pictures of pictures, wanting to have a momento, wanting to say 'this is MY grandmother' too.  

Luckily my family is not uncomfortable talking about our deceased loved ones, in fact there is a sense of pride when there names are spoken.  It gives everyone an opportunity to share there fondest memories in an atmosphere of compassion and understanding.  It allows healing en-mass.  My family is like one great big counseling sessions all wrapped up in love, laughter and life.  And even if we are not comfortable in sharing all our feelings, thoughts and emotions, we at least know they care, they put family first and that when all is said and done, we are family.

Yesterday was just a very strong reminder of how I made it through the darker days of my grief.  For me, it was in knowing that no matter what, I had and have people I could and still can rely on to give me the strength and courage I need to face each day.  It is just knowing that with all my faults and failings, they still love me for who I am, quirks and all.  My family is truly a blessing too me, and Rachel, my dad, and all my deceased relatives knew and still know this strong bond, this deep nurturing, and most importantly, this undying love, that not even death can steal away.  My hope for you is that you have people in your own lives who can do the same for you.

Well today I am tired, this 'weekend warrior' stuff is killer, I have muscles hurting that I don't remember having, but the memories that have been created will sustain me not only today, but tomorrow and for years to come.  Again, I am grateful for the insight of a couple of my uncles who decided that a reunion would be a great way to connect, even if only once a year.  It gives so much more in return than anyone could have ever anticipated.  Life will constantly change, people will come and go in our lives, and hopefully there will always be someone who is willing to pass on the baton and allow the memories to be shared.

Who we are is a reflection of everyone who has been a part of our lives, directly and indirectly, past and present, whether they were part of our lives for years, or for a short time, they are all a major part of our very fiber, our essence; just a Rachel is very much a part of who I am, and I a part of her.  The connecting fiber throughout is love, and love is the strongest of all, binding us together for eternity; giving us so much, helping us to carry on.  

Love could be felt this weekend even if it was not spoken, and love has seen us through many difficulties, and it will takes us well into the future.  Love does not fail, love does not end.  Love gives life, love is life and love flows freely through the veil of death.  Love conquers all!

Blessings! and until we meet again.

The Dog Days of Summer

It has definitely been a hot one, here in New England and all across this nation.  But even with all this heat, humidity and feeble attempts at keeping cool, I love the summer.  Summer has always been a time when family and friends get together, enjoy the outdoors and being with each other.  This summer has been no exception, it seems every weekend my family and I have yet another gathering.  A cookout here, a birthday party there, or just getting together at someones home, to take a dip in the pool. It's about fun and laughter, planning for the future and reminiscing about the past. 

With all these fun activities, and so much to do, you would almost think, 'wow, there is no time for grief.'  But if you are grieving, even years later, you notice, you feel the difference, you know what's missing.  Everyone else around you may mention your loved one's name, make talk about their exploits, and even say how much they miss them; but it is not the same.  We may not show it, we may suppress our feelings, and others see someone who they believe has gotten 'over it,' who has 'moved on.'  Occasionally our eyes may water up, a lone tear will make it's escape, coursing down our cheek, but it's expected (once in a while), or so it is assumed.  And we find that people tolerate this, after all it's normal to feel something, to tear-up when we are reminiscing, just don't break down in front of them.  (Note: they can't handle it; they run for cover, find a place to hide, so I've learned.)  Just kidding, not everyone runs for cover, but it does become awkward, especially if it has been several years since the death of your loved one. 

Why?  For most of us who have experienced the death of a loved one, we know it doesn't go away.  It could be 2, 5, 10 or even 30 years or more later, and we still feel the void.  For others who have not yet experienced such a loss, it may seem as if we are not coping or refuse to move on.  Today is the 35th anniversary of my Grandmother Rose's death, and yes I still remember.  I was only 15, my first true experience with losing a close relative, and it was very difficult for me.  I can still remember that morning when the phone rang; how may grandmother looked at the funeral home; and how I was plagued with nightmares for quite some time after the funeral.  My fear of losing others I loved, overwhelmed me, and I dreaded then and still dread now, early morning phone calls.  (A symptom of post traumatic stress syndrome.)  And of course Rachel's call came at 3:18 a.m., so my fears were again revisited, and my experience all the more real.  So please don't call me before 7 a.m., unless you really have too.  From my own experience, we just coast along, we learn to adapt to a new 'normal' in our lives, we learn to cope, and we survive and begin to heal.  

Yes there may be scars, reminders of what was, but we learn to live with them.  To accept them as part of who we are becoming, and gentle reminders of what we love and hold dear to us.  I have come to love my scars, and I have a few, they remind me that love is truly what matters, and because I love, I will hurt, but I will also live and I will have those cherished memories that only love can give.  But will they begin to fade in time, yes and no.  As you have just read, my grandmother is still a part of me, the scar of her death is definitely faded, but her memory has not.  And even without a conscious effort, I somehow remember each July 28th, that my grandmother died today; as I do with other family members who have died.  

Her loss is less intense, because the years have allowed healing, have allowed me to accept that she is no longer with us.  Will I be able to feel this way year's after Rachel's death?  I can only hope, but for now it still hurts, there is still pain, it is definitely become less intense and I have begun to accept the fact that Rachel is gone, but it is still a fresh wound, with the scar just beginning to form.  

Two of my children just celebrated birthdays, a sharp reminder that I won't be taking Rachel out for dinner, or singing happy birthday, there won't be Facebook messages from her friends, and no excitement when the cake appears with candles to blow out.  Just the date on the calendar that simply says Rachel's Birthday.  Evidence that the scar it just now beginning to form, and that the wound is still not completely healed. 

To add to this awareness, as I drove home from work today, I spotted a young woman that reminded me of Rachel.  I began to wonder what she would have been doing now if she was still alive.  She would be turning 29 this year; would she be married, or still single, would she be a mom, giving me grandchildren.  Where would she be living, would she be close by, or would her adventurous nature have her exploring the globe.  So many possibilities, but none capable of becoming reality.  I did not cry, however, but just felt a sadness for what could not be; for so many promises that would remain unfulfilled.  
 
These are the thoughts that go through my mind as I watch my two other children, reach another birthday, or fulfill yet another dream.  This is what I think of as I attend functions and activities, and see how far others have come.  Yet I smile and laugh, I act as if all is okay with the world and I move through my day, accepting the new 'norm' in my life.  At times I feel like a duck on a pond; all calm and collected on the surface, but paddling like mad underneath.  But when the day is done, I have made it through another day, I have survived, and I can feel the wound beginning to close.  
 
Grief has its own agenda, it takes it's time, and it definitely requires a lot of work and effort.  But somehow we find our way, we accept what it brings and the time requirements, and we find the strength, fortitude and courage to face each new day.  For me, love has been my guide, acceptance my co-pilot, and my faith the anchor in the storm.  And each new day brings with it a knowledge that I will be okay, as you too will be, and that we do not need to hide our scars,  but to accept them as part of who we are and all they represent, especially the LOVE!

Blessings! and until we meet again.