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Thursday, September 8, 2011

A Day in The Life...

Over the years there have been many times when I think back to what I was doing on any given day.  Today, last night, are no exceptions.  As I lay in bed, I began thinking 5 years ago I was doing the exact same thing, getting ready to sleep, plumping the pillow, finding just the right position, and drifting off to sleep; but it really isn't the same at all.

As I tried to get comfortable, I thought of how totally unaware I was, how blissfully ignorant I was to how quickly life can change.  Five years ago I was probably running a list of things to do in my head, what I needed to tackle first, and so on.  Last night, I thought of Rachel, and how in less than 2 days, she will be gone five years.  Tears streamed down my face unto my pillow, as I longed to go back and change the outcome, resigned to accepting my reality, I finally drifted to sleep.

This morning my thoughts again drifted to five years ago as I more than likely followed a similar routine.  Hit the snooze button for those last five minutes before relenting and finally getting out of bed.  Jumping in the shower to start another day, taking the dog out, picking up coffee, heading to work.  Even though my daily routine has pretty much stayed the same, my life on the contrary is so very different.  I remember September 8th only because the events of the 9th etched every aspect of my day prior and day after into my memory bank.  

I dropped off my son at school, headed to my office, checked my planner for appointments, met with a few prospects, etc.  During the course of the day, Rachel called to ask me to get her transcripts as she was going back to school, tell me about her job and how she was getting paid to do something she loved.  We talked for a while, I asked if she was coming to a friend's baby shower the next day, and we wrapped up the call by both saying 'I Love You!'  She called several other family members including her dad, sister, grandmother; in retrospect, it was as if she was saying her good-byes.  

The day progressed and evening came, I prepared my home for a baby shower I was hosting, and later sat with my husband to just relax and have a glass of wine.  Headed to bed thinking of all the things I needed to get done first thing in the morning, and drifted to sleep.  At 3:18 a.m. the phone rang, and my routined life became totally unrecognizable, nothing would be the same ever again.  My once orderly life, would take on a whole new direction, seeking meaning, understanding and wisdom.  My world would shift in a way which would change it's course for ever.  There is a song that speaks so loudly to this very thought, 'Who Knew' by Pink, whose lyrics reflect what so many of us think, 'if only,' I could change it all back.  The very ending of the song says so much:

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

 But 'who knew' that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.  

It seems as if I am unable to truly focus today, to stop the thoughts of Rachel from permeating every moment.  It is as if the loss is woven into every fiber of my being, I can feel tears that keep threatening to spill over, emotions that feel so raw, a reminder of how much I have lost.  But as I my professor stated this week in class, pain is good.  He actually wished us all pain, because when we hurt, we realized that we love and are loved, and would any of us truly have wanted to miss out on the love.  We grieve because we love, and I know nothing but love when I think of Rachel, regardless of what hurts I may have experienced during her life time.  Even though it hurts, I am so grateful for having had Rachel, for the love of mother and daughter, for the love of a friend, for the love.

Thank God for the gift of love.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

1 comment:

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