'Hakuna Matata'

'Leave your past behind you.' and 'Hakuna Matata.'  two wonderful quotes from the Lion King.  Great advice, but sometimes your past refuses to be left behind, and you unfortunately have 'worries' to deal with. 

This weekend I played hostess to an impromptu baby shower for my daughter.  This is her second child, so it really was a small gathering of people.  She already has so much from my grandson, so it was mainly to help her buy what she will need after the baby arrives, diapers, t-shirts and so on.  It was really a great afternoon, lots of food and fun, and a complete surprise for my daughter. 

So you are probably wondering, what does this have to do with the past?  This is exciting, promising and wondrous all wrapped up in the joy of a new baby coming into our lives.  You are right, it really shouldn't have anything to do with the past, but alas, it does. 

The night before Rachel's death, I was getting my home ready for a friend's shower, whose baby would soon be my godchild.  That evening, I prepared the favors, decorated the rooms of my house, and started preparing some of the foods, and scanned my to-do list for the next day.  Guests would be arriving in the afternoon, so I would need to be completely ready by 12 noon.  As I lay in bed I hoped it would all go well, and that she would enjoy her special day.  Well as you are very much aware, my day did not go as planned.  In the wee hours of the morning we were headed for the hospital, and to a life that would never be the same again. 

So what does this all have to do with my daughter's shower?  The night before, a couple of us prepared the favors, and as we sat around joking, I confessed that I was a little scared and nervous.  The last time I had planned to host a baby shower in my home, things had not gone so well.  A fear I realized was unfounded, but a fear just the same.  They acknowledged my concern, understood my unease, and we talked about it for a bit and then right back to the task at hand.  Later on after they had gone, I sat catching up on some favorite TV shows and cried. 

Why was this bothering me so much, why was I so afraid.  It would be okay, everything would be fine, and go well, I had nothing to worry about.  But there is something called PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and anyone who has ever experienced a life altering event, knows exactly what I am talking about.  Most of us associate this syndrome with war veterans, rescue workers, medical staff, etc., but it is very real for so many people, regardless of what their occupations may be or their lifestyles.  PTSS really shows no partiality, everyone and anyone can fall victim to its untimely visits.  

For me the simple task of tying ribbons on favors, brought to the surface, many unaddressed fears.  It also triggered vivid memories of the day that followed, and the harsh reality that life can change at the drop of a dime.  As I sat there crying, I kept thinking to myself, wow it's been five years, why am I having a hard time controlling my feelings and emotions.  Everyone keeps telling me that the five year mark is a pivotal time frame, so why am I spinning instead of simply turning the corner.  

So I did a mental checklist:

                      Yes, I know that Rachel is gone.

                      Yes, I have come to accept that she is not coming back.

                      Yes, I have adapted to a new 'norm' in my life.

                      Yes, I know she is always with me, a heartbeat away.

                      Yes, I share her story, and let others know it is okay to talk about Rachel.

Okay then, everything seems to be leaning towards my full acceptance of Rachel's death, so why did this hit me so hard.

Whenever any of us experiences a traumatic event, we protect ourselves by locking away unpleasant memories, our minds keep them hidden until suddenly a simple thing unlocks it.  Thankfully, I recognized what was happening, but all the same it took its toll on me.  I found myself unable to sleep, and staying awake until 1:30 a.m.; at which point, I convinced myself that the phone would not ring and I could get some rest.  Even though I seemed to come to grips with what was happening, I didn't decorate my home until after I came back home from Mass.  It was around 12 noon when I finally began hanging the decorations and preparing my home.  

Even though my heart knew everything would go beautifully, my mind kept reminding me of what could happen.  Needless to say, I survived, the day went wonderfully, everyone had a great time, and my daughter received much needed baby supplies.  

Anything goes in grief, there are no rules, no guidelines, and time frames are only estimations.  We all cope and deal with life's alterations at our own pace, regardless of what the 'experts' say or how others have handled it.  We are as unique as grief itself, and grief in turn is as unique as we are.  What seems abnormal in normal day-to-day living, can be quite normal for the griever.  If however, you find yourself unable to function, even years later, please find help.  Speak to your physician, find counseling, get together with others who have been where you are.  Letting it out, allowing yourself to vent, speaking it out loud, truly help with the healing process.  So be good to yourself, give yourself space, and know that once in a while, you may hit a bump in the road.  Sometimes it is just a simple little pebble, and other times it may be a boulder which might require a little more maneuvering to get around it.  Most importantly, allow yourself to grieve, when you do, you will allow the healing to begin.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Happy Birthday!

Twenty-nine years ago today, I was holding my first born child, a baby girl whom we named Rachel.  In those first few moments when we first lay eyes on our children, barriers break away, and we fall instantly in love; lending credence to the expression 'love at first sight.'  As the days progress, that love seems to double each and every day; in our 'bank' of love, the compounding interest and the rate of return would blow any major investor away.  But the love of a parent and child, for the most part, is unconditional, our hopes and dreams for our child, and what they can become, overpowers any doubt and uncertainty and we simply allow love to lead the way.

Is it an easy road, God, how I wish, but anyone who has had children, or ever been in love, knows that the road is rocky at best, and occasionally we find ourselves going in the wrong direction.  Yet love, with all its joys and disappointments, is something to be cherished, longed for, and not taken for granted.  It is because of love, that we hurt so deeply, that we find ourselves missing a loved one, that we long to hold them, just one more time.  

When Rachel died, I felt as if I had once again given birth, I experienced the pain, but yet my arms were empty.  There was no innocent face looking back into mine, only a void so deep, that nothing could fill. 

Those of us who have experienced the death of a loved one, know all too well the pain that anniversaries, birthdays and milestone events in life, can bring.  The missing and longing are so much more profound, the silence seems to echo our pain, we notice with so much clarity what is gone from our lives.  As my day dawned, I thought of Rachel, and how at 2:30 a.m. this very morning, she would be 29 years old.  As I took the dog out, I looked at her memory garden, and cherished the roses that were in full bloom, and marveled at nature doing its thing.  Birds flew overhead, squirrels played in the trees, life was happening all around me, unaware of my inner pain or of my minds musings.  

Yet, as I looked upon the scene unfolding in front of me, I felt no bitterness, no resentment, only an ache, a deep sadness, a strong awareness that even though my life had changed, life itself goes on.  Acutely aware that I am accepting the fact that Rachel is gone, no longer a physical presence in my life, I allow her to be present in my very being; totally aware that she is all around me.  The very fact that memories of her evoke smiles and laughter (fringed with some pain and longing), gently remind me that I have survived, that I will survive, and that I can and will continue to move forward.  Yes, I may occasionally look back over my shoulder and long for what was, but I know that love will continue to propel me forward, allowing me to have the luxury of my memories. 

Happy Birthday, Rachel. 

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Lest We Forget...

September 11, 2001, how can any of us forget!  

We somehow remember where we were, what we were doing, and how we felt after those harrowing moments, when are world was transformed and rocked.  Today marks the 10th anniversary of that fateful day.  The people who lost their lives, were sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, coworkers, and a multitude of other titles too numerous to list.  They were all individuals who held special places in the lives of those who love them and miss them.  They are not forgotten, no more so than the families members who we have lost to death.  Their memories live on in the hearts of those who held them dear.  Their very essence of part of each and every person who comprised their lives.

My prayer for those who died, their family and friends, is one of peace and love, of continually finding the strength and courage to face each new day, and the knowledge that their sacrifice is not forgotten.  I may not personally know them, their names, but I understand the pain of loss, the confusion of grief, and the longing to once again hold them near.  May we never forget those who sacrifice their lives every day to keep us all safe, to insure that freedom continues to be our birth right and that we are a people who longs for unity and love.  Life is fleeting, it is a wondrous gift, and each and every person is a gift to each other, to their families, their communities and to our world.  

The memory of today is a great sorrow for the United States, but every nation understands loss, understands grief, recognizes tragedy, and in this knowledge, we all stand united as people who recognize that life is precious, and that regardless of where you live, we are a people who long to be loved, and who need to love.  

May God continue to bless us, bless the United States and everyone who sheds a tear for a loved one.

Let us never forget!  We shall never forget!  You are always in our hearts, today, tomorrow and always.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

For My Sweet Angel

Today marks the fifth anniversary of Rachel's death, and I still find it so hard to believe.  Looking back over these last five years, it is hard to believe that I have made it this far.  Yes, I still shed tears, I still remember details as if it were only yesterday, and yes, I miss her so much.  Even though the intensity of my grief has and will continue to diminish, I still will feel that sense of loss, that emptiness in my life.  I will see years pass by and continue to wonder 'what would Rachel being doing now.' 

So much changes in our lives, there is so much we take for granted, and yet looking back, I am glad I had my time with Rachel, my special angel.  In her life, cut short too soon, she taught so much.  Last night I thought of how much I miss seeing her smile, the sound of her laughter, and her antics as she made everyone laugh.  She was life, love and energy all rolled into one dynamic person.  She had her difficulties, she made my life difficult at times as well, but yet through everything, there was always a beautiful person, just wanting to be loved and to share love.  

We all have individuals in our lives who are truly dear to us.  Some are right next to us, just a quick hello and a hug away.  Others have moved away, but remain a phone call away.  Others have gone 'home' and now reside in our hearts and souls, their very essence a part of who we are.  Let none of us take anyone we love for granted, allow yourself to be present in their lives, allow them in.  By letting them in, refusing to take them for granted, we allow love to surround us, so that when they are gone, love will surround us.

Rachel will always be a part of me, she will always be missed, and she will always be my little girl.  And the joy and love she brought into my life will for ever sustain me.  

On the day of Rachel's funeral we chose a song for the recessional at the end of her funeral Mass from Celine Dion.  The words from her song sum up all I believed in those dark days, and continue to believe until today.

Touched by An Angel

by Celine Dion

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
So through darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel
With love
Let the rain come down
And wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul
And drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls
For a new sun
A new day has come
A new day has come
Where it was dark now there is light
Where there was pain, now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel
With love
Let the rain come down
And wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul
And drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls
For a new sun
A new day has come
A new day has come
Instrumental
Chorus

Rachel, I love you.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

A Day in The Life...

Over the years there have been many times when I think back to what I was doing on any given day.  Today, last night, are no exceptions.  As I lay in bed, I began thinking 5 years ago I was doing the exact same thing, getting ready to sleep, plumping the pillow, finding just the right position, and drifting off to sleep; but it really isn't the same at all.

As I tried to get comfortable, I thought of how totally unaware I was, how blissfully ignorant I was to how quickly life can change.  Five years ago I was probably running a list of things to do in my head, what I needed to tackle first, and so on.  Last night, I thought of Rachel, and how in less than 2 days, she will be gone five years.  Tears streamed down my face unto my pillow, as I longed to go back and change the outcome, resigned to accepting my reality, I finally drifted to sleep.

This morning my thoughts again drifted to five years ago as I more than likely followed a similar routine.  Hit the snooze button for those last five minutes before relenting and finally getting out of bed.  Jumping in the shower to start another day, taking the dog out, picking up coffee, heading to work.  Even though my daily routine has pretty much stayed the same, my life on the contrary is so very different.  I remember September 8th only because the events of the 9th etched every aspect of my day prior and day after into my memory bank.  

I dropped off my son at school, headed to my office, checked my planner for appointments, met with a few prospects, etc.  During the course of the day, Rachel called to ask me to get her transcripts as she was going back to school, tell me about her job and how she was getting paid to do something she loved.  We talked for a while, I asked if she was coming to a friend's baby shower the next day, and we wrapped up the call by both saying 'I Love You!'  She called several other family members including her dad, sister, grandmother; in retrospect, it was as if she was saying her good-byes.  

The day progressed and evening came, I prepared my home for a baby shower I was hosting, and later sat with my husband to just relax and have a glass of wine.  Headed to bed thinking of all the things I needed to get done first thing in the morning, and drifted to sleep.  At 3:18 a.m. the phone rang, and my routined life became totally unrecognizable, nothing would be the same ever again.  My once orderly life, would take on a whole new direction, seeking meaning, understanding and wisdom.  My world would shift in a way which would change it's course for ever.  There is a song that speaks so loudly to this very thought, 'Who Knew' by Pink, whose lyrics reflect what so many of us think, 'if only,' I could change it all back.  The very ending of the song says so much:

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

"Who Knew" by Pink

 But 'who knew' that it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.  

It seems as if I am unable to truly focus today, to stop the thoughts of Rachel from permeating every moment.  It is as if the loss is woven into every fiber of my being, I can feel tears that keep threatening to spill over, emotions that feel so raw, a reminder of how much I have lost.  But as I my professor stated this week in class, pain is good.  He actually wished us all pain, because when we hurt, we realized that we love and are loved, and would any of us truly have wanted to miss out on the love.  We grieve because we love, and I know nothing but love when I think of Rachel, regardless of what hurts I may have experienced during her life time.  Even though it hurts, I am so grateful for having had Rachel, for the love of mother and daughter, for the love of a friend, for the love.

Thank God for the gift of love.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Surviving Irene!

New England is still picking up the pieces after Tropical Storm (Hurricane) Irene's visit.  It's been a few days and yet many are still without power, running water, and simple luxuries like reaching into the fridge for something cool to drink.  My family and I were fortunate in that we lost power for only a few hours, but so many still wait in darkness.

Grief in many ways, is just like life's unexpected storms, and even if we have time to prepare, no one really knows what the aftermath will be like.  When all is said and done, we still have so much to do, so much to clear up and clean up, and we struggle to get back to what seems 'normal.'  We wait in darkness for the lights to go back on, for the ability to see clearly, to no longer having to fumble around, groping for reassurance and something to hold on to.

I have faced the tempest many times, and each time, it was the days after that seemed the hardest.  Where do I begin?  Where do I go from here?  Where will I feel safe again?  Will I ever feel normal again?  What will my life be like now?  So many questions, so many doubts, so many uncertainties, so much upheaval, it leaves you spinning, looking for direction.  

These few days after the storm, I have heard so many complaints, too many what ifs, and have listened to one tragic story after another.  I thought back to the days after Rachel's death, and I too asked the very same questions, and listened to other peoples' tales of woe and loss.  Whenever we are faced with change (even good change), we find ourselves dealing with the doubts that surface.  We inevitably also hear those people who tend to down play what has happened, hoping to lessen their own fears and misgivings.  In grief, these are often the people who say the darnedest things, who leave you scratching your head in disbelief.  In their attempts to placate, they add a sort of humor to our darkness, as we listen to their sad attempts at consoling.  

But yet, people make do, they reconnect with friends, they seek solace from family and friends, and they find their way through the darkness.  They survive, we all survive, we begin to accept what has happened, and look for new ways of living.  We hold on to the memories that keep our loved ones near, and move forward knowing our lives have somehow been enriched, for ever changed.  And just like the aftermath of storms, we begin to rebuild, and hopefully improve upon what already existed.  Unfortunately, too often it takes the storms in life, to help us see what we have, what is important, and what truly matters to us.  Sometimes it is the storms that refocus us, teaching it's lessons, and if the student is willing, can take so much away from the experience.  

As I stated earlier, I have had my share of storms, some I was prepared for and knew that death was inevitable.  My father, father-in-law, my grandparents, had battled illness for a while and even though they beat it several times, we all knew that eventually they would succumb, and the disease or illness would win out.  In the case of my father-in-law and my grandmother, we actually prayed that they would be relieved of their suffering.  And when my dad became comatose, we slowly began to acknowledge that this might be it.  But even with these expected deaths, if you will, there was so much to pick up after, so much to straighten out, and most importantly, what would we do with out them? 

When Rachel died, there was not preparation or expectation of death, just the aftermath.  It think of all those victims of earthquakes and tsunamis and other disaster that come on them all of a sudden.  Whose lives are terribly altered in a flash, who suddenly are faced with the realization that their lives have drastically changed; knowing that nothing will be as it was before.  That was how I felt after Rachel's death, it was as if my world suddenly and unpredictably came crashing in around me.  Like so many before me, I stood there surveying the scene in front of me, wondering where to begin, where to go from here, and realizing how dark my life was getting, fast!  

But like so many New Englanders, and scores of others around this globe we call home, we pick ourselves up, we brush ourselves off, we rebuild, and we find our way back into the light.  We cling to hope, and all it promises; knowing that even if we no longer have a cherished loved one in our lives, that their love is right there, always with us, no matter what changes we face.

It will be five years in 7 short days, and even though I still feel I have far to travel in my grief journey, I know I have already come a long way.  The sun is beginning to warm my face again, the clouds are no so threatening, and the pieces are somehow falling back into place.  Albeit there will always be one piece missing from my life, but I feel it is in this missing piece, that the sun shines the brightest, that the love is the strongest, and that I feel a sense of wholeness that I cannot begin to explain.  I am not the least for my loss, but the most because of it.

Blessings! and until we meet again.