Why are some days so much easier than others? Why do so many things bring back so many memories?
Recently this seems to be the norm with me. Maybe it is this time of year, spring, with its promise of warmer days, with flowers blooming, birds singing, reminding me of new beginnings, rebirths and so much promise. It seems I am missing Rachel more and more these days, every little thing a strong reminder of what is gone from my life.
Her photograph leaves me with tears streaming, simple joys bring pain, and I can feel myself losing patience with myself and others. Easter is around the corner, and for me this is such a wonderful time. We will again be hosting Easter dinner, inviting both my husband's brothers and sisters and mine. I enjoy the cooking and preparing, looking forward to having everyone together, and watching the children hunt for Easter eggs, it is such a fun-filled day. However, as the day nears, I keep being reminded that Rachel will once again not be seated at the table with the rest of us.
Oh, I know she will be with us, its just that there is an aching, a longing, wanting so much for her to be here with us. Just a few months ago, I really believed I was making progress, somehow keeping it all together, accepting that my baby girl was gone. But today, I sit here crying as I type, hurting and hoping I can make it through the next few days, which I know I will. I guess this is just part of the grieving and accepting as I near another important holiday in my life and that yet another year will come to pass since Rachel's death.
It seems that I have even put off writing in my blog for fear of what is actually happening right now. Thinking, typing and crying, as I decide whether to share these words with you. But then I realize, I need to, you need me to, after all this is 'Living with Grief,' this is part of the journey, this is part of my healing and your healing as well, knowing that there will be difficult times, there will be days when the pain seems so strong. There is an uncertainty with grief. In early posts I have written of of how simple things can trigger memories both happy and sad, and how this can happen when we least expect it.
Not a bad thing really, it lets us know that they are near. I recently commented on a friends blog and I shared this sentiment; 'all those who have held special places in our lives and hearts, are always with us, always near, and I find the tears, sudden longing, or that quiet ache, are gentle reminders that this is true…' It is funny how our own words sometimes can bring us comfort, how writing what we feel, can somehow helps us later on. When I started writing today, I felt a heaviness, and as always, just sharing my thoughts helps ease the pain.
When we share our stories, we remind ourselves that someone truly meant a lot to us, they were someone we loved dearly, and our lives are so much more enriched because of them. At this time in my grieving, it is harder to find people who are willing to listen, believing that I should not be hurting this much, that I should be 'moving on.' Luckily I do have some loving souls who are patient with me, who let me vent, even if they don't quite understand. And that's okay. I also have my writing, which allows me to share what I am feeling, helping to unburden myself, by writing it down. Trust me it truly helps, especially if there is no one around to hear me, to just listen.
We are all at different places in our grieving, regardless of who or what we may be grieving for. Finding a way to cope, finding what works, can really help you keep your sanity, and give you the strength and courage to go on. At a recent recognition night for my fellow classmates and I, my professor shared his insights with all those gathered. He likened our grief journey to the search for 'OZ.' You see we are like the characters, we encounter similar wants and needs during our journey. Like the Scarecrow, we seek a 'brain' to gain knowledge, understanding or more simply the 'smarts' to make it through our grief. We then encounter the Tin Man who wants a 'heart' in order to be able to love and to feel human emotion, with the knowledge that it will sometimes break. And finally, we, like the Cowardly Lion, seek 'courage' to face our fears, to live each day knowing we did our best. But how can we forget Dorothy, who like so many in our lives; help us, take us along, picking us up when we fall, keeping us moving when we seem to be stuck; and holding our hand when we are afraid, even though they themselves feel lost, are afraid and are also searching, trying to find there way 'home.'
None of us has to go it alone, nor should we try. Finding others willing to listen, willing to walk with us, helps us during those difficult times, making the journey so much more easier to bear. Besides, even though they maybe there to keep us going, we are also helping them as well. Like Dorothy and her friends, we can all help each other.
Thank you for walking with me, for listening to me, and for allowing me to share Rachel with you!
Blessings! and until we meet again.