Merry Christmas Rachel

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!  

The holidays can be difficult, as so many things can trigger memories.  For me, even though this is the seventh Christmas without Rachel, I still have a hard time.  In the wee hours of Christmas morning, I found myself unable to sleep, truly missing my daughter.  As the tears flowed unbidden, I longed to have her near.  

Recent events of the tragedy that befell Sandy Hook has reminded me of what is missing in my life.  As I thought of all those parents, both young and old, who this holiday would not be able to watch their child open gifts, my heart sank.  My heart longed to reach out to them, knowing full well the emptiness that is staring them squarely in the face.  Of unopened gifts, of promises broken, dreams left unfulfilled, and of all the doubt and confusion that we are left with.  

As a parent, the loss of a child is beyond anything we can explain, it is a hurt and pain that we carry with us always.  Each passing year eases the ache, but we still feel the absence.  Yet, in my hurt I feel the warmth of Rachel's love, her endearing presence, and I know in my heart of hearts that she is near, that she is with me always.  

A beautiful song was sung at the Christmas Eve Mass, that pulled at my heart strings: 

 When Love Was Born by Mark Schultz

Starlight shines, the night is still
Shepherds watch from a hill
I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

Perfect child gently waits
A mother bends to kiss God's face
I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

Angels fill the midnight sky, they sing
Hallelujah, He is Christ, our King

Emmanuel, Prince of peace
Loves come down for you and me
Heaven's gift, the holy spark
To let the way inside our hearts

Bethlehem, through your small door
Came the hope we've waited for
The world was changed forevermore
When love was born

I close my eyes, see the night
When love was born

As I listen to the lyrics, as I tried to sing along, the words of the second stanza gripped me, and all I could think of was the night Rachel was born, and how an unbelievable love had entered into my life.  The love of mother and child, a love that allows us to look beyond any imperfection to see, truly see, the beauty that lies within.  A love that reaches beyond the the grave, a love that conquers all, a love that even death cannot diminish, but rather grows even stronger.

Rachel, like your loved one, may be gone from sight, but the love that permeates our very being, lets us know that they are very near.  That they are very much a presence in our lives, and that we are forever changed, because they were a major part of it.  It is the memories that they created, that help me and so many others, face the holidays and special events.  It is the cherished traditions, and the start of new ones dedicated to the memory of our loved one, that see us through.  Let these memories bring you comfort, let them fill you with love and joy, and if they bring a tear or two, let them flow; allow the healing to begin.

Merry Christmas Rachel, and to all those who are spending their first Christmas in heaven.  Let your love pour down on us all, keep us all safe, and hold us gently as we travel through our grief.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults

Conn. victims: Lively youngsters, devoted adults

Let Their Light Shine

As so many of you are very much aware of, this nation has been rocked by the tragic events in Connecticut.  So many innocent lives lost, so many hearts broken, so many arms left empty.  Since last Friday's news, my heart has continuously ached, there is a heaviness I cannot seem to shake, and I am reminded of how precious and fleeting our lives truly are.  Somber reminders that we need to live each day as if this is our last, to love unconditionally, and to be present, truly present to those that matter in our lives.

Losing a child is by far one of the hardest things to face, parents just DON'T bury their children, it should always be the other way around.  Yet, I have learned personally that life does not follow or obey the rules.  We live by life's whims and begin to learn to live, fully live in the moment, taking no one for granted.  These past few days are strong reminders of what I have loved and lost, of missing and longing, of wanting just one more glimpse of my daughter.  Yet, I feel her presence even more, I know she is very near, as I type, her smiling face stares back at me from the photo on my desk, reminders that my life has been forever changed.  A reminder that I would not have wanted it any other way, that the gift I was given the day she was born, cannot be taken from me, and that my life is forever enriched because she was a part of it.  

Twenty-seven people lost their lives this past Friday, and countless others have also been taken violently from us, let us not forget, let us keep them all in our prayers, and let us strive to help each other heal.  Let us continue to pray that as a nation we address the key issues that were the underlying causes of such a tragedy, in the hopes of preventing this scene from ever happening again. 

There are always lessons to be learned, there are always I told you so's and what if's, but these are irrelevant in light of what has happened.  Let us look at the pain and suffering of all those impacted by this tragedy, the families, the emergency personnel, faculty, community and it's surrounding neighbors; let us care for these, be a reassuring presence, a beacon of hope and forgo our judgements and assumptions.  Let us keep in mind that these families have faced the unfathomable, their minds have played out and will continue to play out this tragic scene in their heads, until they finally come to peace with it.  Until then, we all need to be a comfort to them, a willing ear allowing them to share their stories and their loved ones stories, assuring them that their loved one truly matters and is not forgotten.  

As a parent, my greatest fear was that my daughter would be forgotten, that Rachel would fade into the sunset.  It is for this very reason that for me and countless others, we remember, we say the 'Name' over and over again, and we want you to ask about them.  Yes, it may bring a tear to our eyes, we may be sad for a moment, but the greatest sadness for me at least, was thinking no one cared or that Rachel was forgotten.  As these families face the dark days ahead, please be gentle with them, please allow them to grieve in the only way they can and know how to.  Many of us who have experienced profound loss understand all to well the need to go through the grief, to cry, to scream, to be angry and to just be.  

No two people experience grief in the same way even if the loss is the same, and for this reason, we must not impose are own misconceptions of the grieving process, but allow them to muddle their way through.  Grief is definitely hard work and no one can do it for us.  As a wise professor once told me, 'we hurt because we love, if we did not love, there would be no pain.'  But who among us, would have wanted to miss out on the love, for all the pain in the suffering, I would not have given up one precious moment with my daughter.  

Remember to allow yourself to grieve, be good to YOU, take care of YOU, and do not be afraid to reach out to others.  No one has to go it alone.  Trust me when I say it, the hardest thing for me, was reaching out for help, but when I finally came to the conclusion that I could not handle it on my own, was the day I let the healing begin. 

My thoughts and prayers are with every family member as they face the unimaginable, as they prepare to say good-bye to their beloved child and loved one.   Know that even though I may be miles away, I stand beside you in spirit and in love.  May their lives continue to shine through each and every one of us. 

Blessings! and until we meet again.

That First Step

'The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.' Confucius

That is the same for the grieving, we can only and should only take one day at a time, and when necessary one moment at a time. Some days we will get further, seem to be taking longer strides, and yet others, we are unable to get up, let alone begin to walk. 

Grief is a journey, it's path not always clear, but there is a destination, there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. You and I will and do survive, we just need to give ourselves time. Time to heal, to accept, to begin to live again, to be who we are becoming. It is not easy, it is not a short trip, and it gets frightening and messy at times, and that's okay. Just allow yourself to deal with your emotions, don't bottle them up, or push them aside. Face them, name them, do whatever it takes - this is a 'single step' bringing you closer to healing. 

Be good to you, take care of yourself, and above all, know that you have earned the right to grieve, it is after all, all about YOU! and what your are experiencing. We may understand each others loss, but the pain and hurt is as unique as you are, and none of us knows what you are going through. But you are not alone, and there is always someone willing to listen and simply hold your hand. A friend, family member, counselor, support group or any combination, can help you during this difficult time in your life. 

Do not be afraid to reach out to others for help...do not be afraid to take that first step.

Blessings! until we meet again.

Happy Birthday, Rachel

Happy Birthday Rachel

It's hard to believe that Rachel would be celebrating her 30th birthday today.  It seems incredulous that this is the sixth birthday without her.  Yet I would not have traded a moment of the time we were given with her, I treasure every precious memory.  

Today we will honor and remember her by participating in a butterfly release, her nephews will help set them free.  It is important and healing to remember our loved ones in special ways; to take the time to acknowledge their gift to us, and how they made a difference in our lives.  

Blessings! until we meet again.

Enough Already

Time marches on, life continues to move forward and we find ourselves wondering, 'where has the time gone.'  It is hard to believe that six years have passed since Rachel's death, and yet there are times it still feels like yesterday.  There are times when the tears still flow unbidden, when a jarring pain reminds me that I still hurt, that I still feel the ache of loss, that there is still something crucial missing from my life.  I often hear people say comments like, 'Well, you should be over that by now, after all its been a few years.'  'Enough with the remembering already, get over it.'  Or they have totally moved on with their lives and have kept you at arms length.  Personally, I have not heard these comments directly, they have been cautiously, filtered to me from others.  

There is a support group that meets regularly that I facilitate, and some of the questions that arise are: 'How long should I keep my loved one's memory alive?  When is it TOO much?  Is there an appropriate time limit for such things?  Is it odd to want to remember them in special ways?  In delving more deeply into the questions, you can hear the underlying misgivings that society imposes on personal grief.  Often you will be surrounded by people who you care for and love, who you trust, and yet, these are the very people who will not dare to mention 'the name' for fear of causing pain.  And if you dare to speak of your loved one, they deftly find ways to change the subject.  Thus raising the question of remembering and memories--is it okay? 

For many of us, it is the precious memories of our loved ones, that sustain us and helps us get through the darkest of days, it is these very memories, that help us get up each and every morning.  The memory that we loved someone so deeply, that someone meant and means that much to us, and that they loved us.  We want and need to let the world know that this person was truly important to us, that they were and still are an integral part of our world.  Is it ever too much?  That is hard to say, there are situations when the grief and mourning can and do become obsessive, for some it becomes all consuming.  In an article by Amanda R. Bell, What is Traumatic Grief?, she writes: 'Traumatic grief is an extreme, unhealthy reaction to the death of a loved one, typically a spouse.'  The person grieving, cannot accept the death of their loved one, thus closes themselves off from entering into the healing process.  These individuals can often 'express suicidal thoughts and desires, have unusually strong reactions to daily life, and difficulty functioning.'  It is always advisable to seek counseling or professional help, if your grief becomes too much for you to handle alone. 

For the most part, it is not TOO much, and is a very normal part of our grieving and acceptance of our loved one's death.  Many people and organization, have annual events in memory of loved ones.  I, myself, will be attending a butterfly release this weekend in memory of Rachel and other family members; and this past weekend, Rachel was remembered in a memorial Mass on the anniversary of her death.  These are just a few of the many ways that loved ones are remembered and honored.  

As for time, is there ever a limit?  As a bereaved parent, I know my loss is life-long, and if you ask any parent, they will tell you that they still remember, they will always remember, and their grief is forever.  The same is true for so many others, be it a spouse, a close friend, a parent, a sibling, they all feel a sense of loss, even years later.  There is no set time frame, no gauge to measure grief by, no linear chart that says on this date you will wake up and your grief is over, gone!  Grief is unique, no two people experience it or go through it the same way.  The key is to acknowledge the grief, to enter in to it, and to allow ourselves to feel it and express it.  Get messy, allow it to transform you.  Find others who are willing to enter into the darkness with you, who are willing to companion you on this long and arduous journey, who will cry and rejoice with you, sit quietly by your side, and hold your hand when needed.  The good news is that in time, you find comfort in the memories, you find joy in the pain, and you begin to see with eyes that take nothing for granted.  You begin to live again, knowing that you are loved ever more deeply, and that your loved one is ever more present to you, a part of your very being.  

Feel free to do special things in remembrance of your loved one.  It gives meaning and purpose to their lives and yours.  A memory garden; a memorial plaque or stone; a gift given annually in lieu of a birthday or anniversary of your loved one; a scholarship fund; clothing or donations to the needy in memory of a love one; are just a few of many ways that loved ones can be remembered.  Be creative, let your loved one guide you, look at what they loved to do; what charities held a special place in their heart; what were some of their hobbies; what causes did they feel strongly about.  If their death was as a result of life threatening diseases or illness, find ways to increase awareness and help promote a cure; participate in annual walks, races, and relays.  There are countless ways that we can turn our grief into healing; that our loved one's death can bring about good.  The sky is the limit, and remember with grief 'everything is normal,' and odd behavior is to be expected.  Just remember if anything  becomes too much for you to handle, there is no shame, I repeat, no shame, in asking for help, ever!  It takes more courage to admit we need help and to ask for it, than to try to go it alone.  None of us needs to travel this road alone, there is always a willing ear, a helping hand, if we just ask or dare to reach out.  

Our loved ones lived, they loved and they are very special to us.  We have to right to mourn and grieve them, to remember them, to shed a tear or two for them, and to always keep them safe in our hearts.  We are who we are because they touched our lives in their own very special way.  For me that is the very reason, I choose to remember my loved ones in very special ways; why I share Rachel's story, and why so many share their stories with me and others.  They are and will always be LOVE, a part of our very being, and with their guidance, a major part of who we become.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Finding Strength in Numbers...

Just yesterday I attended yet another family funeral.  It seems as I get older there are more and more of them.  As my family ages; illness, accidents or longevity takes over, and we find ourselves saying good-bye too often.  Yet, there is a beauty in the funeral experience.  Yes, I said beauty!  As I sat at the funeral home; while I waited for the procession to start for the Mass, and then again toward the cemetery; my daughter's funeral came vividly to mind.  I remembered  the sadness of the days, but I also remembered the outpouring of love, the kind words of family, friends and even strangers.  And most importantly, the message spoken loud and clear - here was someone who was special to so many people, here was someone that lived, loved and left so many wonderful memories.  Memories to be cherished and shared; yes they may bring tears occasionally, or find us laughing out loud, but they serve as reminders of what they meant and still mean to us.

When I think back to almost 6 years ago now, I still recall the people who went out of their way to let us know they cared, to hold our hands or to simply share their strength but standing silently by our side.  The community had a chance to say good-bye, acknowledge the grief, and enter into our pain, even if only for a brief moment.  This 'chore' as so many people see it, is one of our first tentative steps toward healing and accepting our loss.  Humanity's need to say good-bye, to come together to comfort and console one another, speaks of our need to nurture and be nurtured. 

Also funerals, like weddings, allow us to catch up with relatives and friends that we have not seen in a long while or even years.  It gives us a chance to reminisce about what we have meant to one another, to feel the connecting thread in our lives.  As I spoke to relatives and friends, yesterday, the same theme came flowing through the words I heard.  There was a familial bond that could be felt by those present, a connectivity that could not be explained.  A strong message that family mattered above all else, and that no matter what twists and turns may have occurred, we were all where we needed to be at that very moment.  That the foundations of love, compassion and strong family ties, had been laid down long before many of us came into existence.

It is this very foundation, that has helped me during many a dark day.  A gentle reminder that there are people in my life who care, who want to be there for me when I need, who are willing to stop, if even briefly, to enter into my pain.  This coupled with my faith, has made the journey easier to bear, it is the conviction of being loved and capable of loving, of learning to give and when necessary to take (even when it seems to be against our very nature), to allow ourselves to be in the moment.  As Fr. Joe said yesterday, 'it is us allowing a glimpse of God's mercy and grace to shine through who we are.'  'To be a window into Heaven, and all God wants us to be to one another.'  We do not walk alone, and on those days when we do feel all alone, it is our faith and the companionship of others that keeps us going.  

Yet so many of us are not necessarily blessed with big families as I am; but if we are willing to venture out; to reach beyond ourselves, to stretch into the uncomfortableness; we too will find a helping hand.  A cherished, close friend, a counselor, a support group, or someone in our work environment or faith community, who will lend us an ear, is an asset to be treasured.  Finding such a gem helps us along this long, arduous journey.  Yes, it is work and it gets messy, but the only way to heal is to go through it, and what better than finding someone to take along.  Someone who will push, pull or simply sit beside you when you need to rest.  We all need one another, and none of us is an island, and even on those days when we feel so isolated, someone is busy building a bridge.  

Let love flow through you, to you and out again.  Allow others to be there for you, and do not be afraid, or too proud, to reach out to others.  Remember 'there is strength in numbers.'  Take care of yourself, and allow others to care for you, and keep in mind, that grief takes time.  So allow yourself all the time you need.  Grief is all about YOU at this very moment, and only YOU know what you are experiencing, just know that YOU are not alone, ever!  Our loved ones may leave us physically, but their presence is a major part of our very being.  Love knows no boundaries, and what we shared with our loved ones, is no exception.

Blessings! and until we meet again.