We Remember.

It is hard to believe that nine years ago today we watched in horror as planes crashed into the twin towers.  A nations remembers, wanting to forget, not the people who died, but the horrific attack on our soil.  

For so many families, this is a day filled with so much pain, knowing that the day began as any normal workday does.  Grab a quick bite, kiss a loved one good-bye and rush to get to work.  It was just another day.  I did not lose any loved ones that day, but so many others around me either lost a loved one or knew someone who did.  We all remember where we were when the planes hit, what we were doing, and how we reacted.  It is a very vivid memory for so many of us.  

The last few days, I have read articles about how long one should grieve and how we should neatly tuck it away after a prescribed period of time.  Yet, today at the times of the plane crashes, I heard the cannons fired, echoing across the water in honor of those who lost their lives.  Even on Facebook and other social sites, people were asked to observe a moment of silence at the specific times.  We not only remember, we honor and we grieve, we feel a deep sadness for all those people who died innocently because someone perceived us as an enemy.  

As a nation, we all grieved as we witnessed over and over again the towers being hit, as the media played it out.  As we watched rescue crews scramble to find survivors, and held our breath as the weakened towers collapsed, taking yet more lives.  We prayed, we stood together with strangers and we reached out to our family and friends, we grieved not only the lives of all the victims, but our lives as Americans.  

I have visited Ground Zero and I remember feeling short of breath as I walked closer to the site, as if I were being crushed by dozens of people trying to flee the scene.  It was an indescribable feeling, especially since we were among only a handful of people on the street.  When we arrived at the site, a wave of emotion swept over me, and tears seemed to just well up from inside.  I couldn't understand why I was feeling all this sadness, but when we looked around, we found we were not the only ones crying.  Men and women all had tears in their eyes, as if the sadness present permeated to the core of our very being.  You feel very intensely the devastation that took place on that fateful day. 

As I drove today, I noticed flags at half-mast both on municipal buildings and private homes, flying in honor of all those who lost their lives.  We have moved beyond those initial days, weeks and months, many who were effected by the events of that day have rebuilt their lives, but still we remember.  

Grief is something very tangible and it remains with us for years after a tragedy.  Like a nation remembers all those who lost their lives, and pays their respects by remembering and honoring them every year; creating special ways to memorialize all the victims, give comfort to their families and help a nation continue to heal.  So to we need to find ways to not only cope with our grief, but also honor and remember our loved ones.

In memory of all those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, grant them eternal rest.  For their families, may they find comfort in their memories, the gift of who their loves ones were and what this gift brought to their lives and to always remember the love.  

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Stages - What Stages?

I have made it through another anniversary and I feel so tired, drained, it is as if I have been pulling all-nighters the last few days.  You really don't know how you are going to feel until the day comes and goes. 

Since I have been writing this blog, I have had many people share their stories with me.  They do not post them here on the blog, but relate them to me when I happen to run into them.  Today I spoke to someone who lost her mother 26 years ago, and she told me it still seems as if it were only yesterday.  She recalls what her mother said and did just days before her death.  You can see it in her face and you hear it in her voice, their is still pain, their is still a sense of loss. 

No one can put a time frame on anyone's grieving, we are all so different, so unique, there is no mold when it comes to mourning and grief.  Yet so often someone will tell you oh you really should be over it already.  You read it somewhere that the average time for grieving is a specific number of years.  This expert says this, that expert says that, but who really knows for sure.  The answer is only you know how long it will take, if however, you are not able to function, (for example simple tasks like grooming, or unable to get out of bed for long periods of time) then you should seek professional help.  

There are specific stages if you will that we all go through, they are: shock, deal making, denial, depression, anger, acceptance.  They do not necessarily occur in this order, nor does one pass never to be seen again.  At any given moment in our grief we can experience a combination of anyone of these.  

Shock is generally the initial response, deal making is exactly that, we try to bargain our way out of what has happened, hoping to wake up and find it has all been a bad dream.  Denial is not wanting to accept the tragedy as real, 'they will call you'll see,' 'he is going to walk through that door any minute now.'  Depression saps us of our strength, it can cause physical pain, it can stop us from doing simple tasks, it literally drags you down.  Anger bubbles up when we are trying to find blame for what has happened.  Anger can be directed at any person, even the deceased, or at an institution or object; whatever we feel caused this tragedy.  This is not always a bad thing, because of anger, good has sometimes been the outcome.  MADD is a great example of a mother's attempt to seek justice, and there are many more advocacy groups that have sprung up as a result of someone's anger.  Some deal with domestic violence, others homicide, and so on.  And then eventually there is acceptance, when we realize that our loved one has died and isn't coming back, and we learn to go on.

There is much to be found on the 'stages of grief' if you would like to learn more about them you can check out any number of sites.  The 5 Stages of Grief is one of many that has concise information on the process.  If you prefer to read, Granger E. Westberg's, 'Good Grief' is a small book with plenty of information.  There is a wealth of information on this subject, I could fill pages of books, videos, websites, etc.  If you feel overwhelmed, find someone who has either dealt with loss, or speak to your doctor about getting into therapy or finding a support group.  

I have visited many of these stages in the last four years, and some seem to pop up occasionally depending on what is happening in my life.  I can say with certainty that I am feeling depressed, I could tell by my wanting to be alone, feelings of sadness and a unexplainable heaviness.  I also know that this time of year brings it to the surface because of the anniversary followed closely by my daughter's birthday.  I know it will pass and it most certainly isn't any where near to the depression I felt shortly after my daughter's death.  This I can shake and is to be expected from time to time.  As I grow in my acceptance, I know there will still be bad days, but the good days will be far more frequent.  

There is a beautiful poem that says so much by Dietrich Bonhoeffer,

Nothing can make up for the absence of 

someone whom we love....

It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; 

God doesn't fill it, 

but on the contrary, God keeps it empty

and so helps us to keep alive our former

communion with each other, even at the 

cost of pain....

The dearer and richer our memories, the 

more difficult the separation.

But gratitude changes the pangs of memory

into tranquil joy.

The beauties of the past are borne, not as a

thorn in the flesh, but as a precious 

gift in themselves.

So wherever you may be in the grieving and healing process, is were you need to be.  Do not compare yourself to others, use them only as a guide.  Allow yourself the time you need, don't let anyone rush you through your grief.  Take each day as it comes, allowing yourself to let in the sun, to feel its warmth and experience its light.  Know what you are going through is very normal, seek out someone who will listen to you, and always remember the love.  

In my opening blog 'Loss,' I mentioned that the best advice I received was from a child, and I still find that out of the mouth of babes comes the wisest of statements.  There is a very short book about a young girl's coping with the death of her little sister, it is called 'Anna's Scrapbook - A Journal of a Sister's Love' by Susan and Sarah Aitken.  On the final page, the last entry in the diary speaks to acceptance, 'I am still missing her a lot, but I feel like I can laugh and have fun.  I am trying to remember what Mommy said about being grateful for the time we have with each other.  I Love my family!'

So celebrate the life, welcome the emotions, and live in the warmth and light of the love.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Always in our Hearts!

Does it ever get easier?  I would like to say yes, I would like to believe it would.  Today is a very difficult day for me, it is the anniversary of Rachel's death.  I slept fitfully and awoke with a headache, and I know the pressure I feel are tears I am longing to shed.  My two other children and I went out for a late breakfast, picked up some flowers and went to visit the grave.  It is still so hard to believe that only 4 years ago we were all being told that we had to say good-bye.  

Anniversaries are always difficult, even if it is years later.  I still remember my grandparents' anniversaries, my father's and father-in-law's, and each of my aunts' and uncles', some I remember the date quite distinctly, others I know the month.  My grandmother Rose died on July 28, 1976, and I still remember as if it were yesterday, especially since this was my real first experience with losing someone very close to me.  

I often hear people say, what if I forget their face, what if I can't remember their smile, the sound of their laughter, I don't want to let go.  Photographs of course help, but I can still see my grandmother sitting in her favorite spot on the sofa, while one of her grandchildren would play with her hair.  She loved it and we did too.  I was 19 when I lost my grandmother Elvira, and I still remember her long silver white hair and the way she knotted it on her head; and most memorable to me was sitting on her lap even into my nineteenth year.  

Once the pain begins to ease, and the knowledge that they are always with us, even when we cannot see, hear or touch them; we begin to remember the love.  I do not go to the cemetery often, but once in a while, I will visit maybe bring some flowers, or just say a prayer and stay for a little while.  I know I can talk to Rachel anytime, and I do not need to be at the grave site to do so.  I also believe that the body remains, but the soul is free and every where we are.  

This day will pass, I will have survived yet another anniversary, I will remember, I cherish the memories, and I will always feel the love.  On the front of Rachel's stone, are the words 'always in our hearts,' and how true, they can always be found there.  It may hurt, are emotions may still be so very raw, we may lean upon the cold gravestone and feel so helpless, but I know that I am not alone.  I will always have Rachel and I have all my family and friends, who along with me, remember all our loved ones and hold them all in our hearts.  

Remember you are not alone, you will always have the memories, the love you shared and the love that continues to sustain you long after they have gone.  As for anniversaries, do what feels right to you, if you need to just stay in bed, that's okay, if you find yourself at the cemetery, that's also okay.  It is your grief, your pain, only you know what you are feeling, only you understand YOU!  Take a walk, call a friend, or just reminisce for a while.  Today I remember, today I allow my self to feel, to cry, to long for everything that was  Rachel.  Today I say hello and good bye all over again, and I know I will more than likely do this until the day I am reunited with Rachel and all my loved ones. 

I would like to share with you what her friends shared with us upon learning of Rachel's death: "If you went into a garden, you would pick the most beautiful flowers...  That's what God does.  Your love will be felt forever!'  

In loving memory of our daughter, Rachel, who brought us so much joy, taught us how to love unconditionally, and to accept everyone as one of our own.  May God grant you eternal rest, and may perpetual light shine upon you.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Picking up the Pieces.

There are so many different people, and with is so many varied reactions to just about anything.  The article by Marianne Leone that I posted earlier was a true reminder of how we all respond differently to grief.  It is also a poignant reminder that with every death that effects us, there is a very personal reaction depending on the relationship we had with the individual.  If you have a chance read through the comments posted after the article, it will give you some insight as to the reactions of people to their own loss, and the loss of another person.  

When we lose a child, we honestly feel as if a part of us has died.  I know my life will always serve as a constant reminder of this missing link, as if I have suffered an amputation of sorts.  As I approach Rachel's 4 year anniversary, I feel a heaviness, a deep sadness that is hard to explain.  I notice that I prefer to be alone, and do not really want to get into any heavy discussions.  It is as if I want to forget and remember all at the same time.  

Today I spoke to someone who is dealing with the death of a close friend, and she told me she was really having a hard time coping, she had lost her childhood friend.  For some people this type of grief can be hard to understand, they reason that this was after all only a friend, not a family member.  She is not the first person who has shared this sentiment with me, both individuals felt as if a big part of who they were was gone.  Their friend knew them, knew their dreams, their favorite color, favorite food and accepted them when no one else would.  They shared laughter and tears, good and bad times, they completed each other, were there for each other, it just isn't fair.  

If each of us looks at the people in our lives who have died, we too can find the differences.  If you have lost a parent you worry about the other one, if you have lost both parents, you feel orphaned as if you are suddenly all alone in the world.  If your spouse has died, you may feel so lost, they took care of this, they did that, I didn't have to worry about all this, it's not fair, they should be here to help raise the kids.  When you lose a sibling, you may find yourself wondering why you are still alive, why you are still here?  Every person invokes a different response, a very different type of grief, it all depends on what this person meant to us, who they were in our lives, and what role they portrayed.  

Now let us look at it from the angle of the types of deaths.  Did they died after a long illness or was it totally unexpected?  Where they old, having lived a full life, or were they too young?  Did they die of natural causes or was their life violently taken away from them?  Does it really matter?  No!, but it does have an affect on us, we do react based on the circumstances.  Our emotions reflect not only what this person meant to us, but how we react to how they died.  I will not try to presume anything by attempting to explain reactions to any of these types of deaths, I just know that we respond very differently to each scenario.  

All manner of death is hard on all of us, even though we know it is part of being human.  But what if someone you loved committed suicide?  How do you reconcile yourself with this death?  How do you not blame yourself?  I have know someone who took his life when he could no longer cope with everything that was happening in his life.  It was unfair, but often to the individual, this is the only way they can see their way out of the pain, hurt, or whatever they perceive as irreconcilable.  I watched as his family took years to realize there was nothing they could have done to truly prevent it, and that they were really not to blame.

So if you or someone you now is trying to understand why, looking for ways to cope, looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, take heart, it will come.  You will learn to live, you will learn to cope, you will learn to pick up the pieces, and the puzzle may look a lot different when you put the pieces together; but it will still have meaning and will still make sense.  It may be days, weeks, months or years after the death of your loved one, but it is after all your loss, your grief and only you know the pain you are in and what helps make it feel better.  

Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel, allow yourself time to accept and know that for every bad day that lies ahead, there will be so many more good ones.  Hold onto the memories, hold onto the joys, and always remember the love.

Blessings! and until we meet again.

A mother's grief - without time limits - The Boston Globe

A mother's grief - without time limits - The Boston Globe

A good article by Marianne Leone

Can I borrow your mask?

I was reminded today of how important it is to listen, to truly listen.  We meet so many people each day, some we know and some are just strangers who we happened to be standing behind in line.  There are so many faces, so many personalities, so many facets that cannot be fathomed. 

Every person has a story, every person is dealing with issues, whether is it big or small it doesn't really matter.  What matters is there is so much hidden behind a tentative smile, a quick nod, or maybe even no reaction at all.  

I was once told I had no clue what life was about, how could I, I always have a smile on my face.  I was truly blessed to have a good life, unlike themselves, I didn't know pain, or suffering.  Yes, this was said to me after I had lost my daughter, this person had just recently met me and had no clue what I had gone through.  But it serves as a reminder of how so many of us are.  We go through life, we survive, we smile, we put up a front.  A good percentage of most of the people we encounter have no clue that we have ever had anything happen in our lives.  It reminds me of a duck on a pond, they look totally calm and collected on the surface, yet they are paddling like hell underneath.  

So many people are dealing with so much, you and I may be trying to cope with the death of a loved one, someone else may have just been told that their life will be cut short due to illness, another may be dealing with a terminal illness of someone dear.  There are still others who are watching family members destroy their own lives through addiction and do not even know where to begin, let alone help this person.  Some of you may have strained relationships with your parents, a brother or sister, or any number of people in your lives.  

We work with these people, we meet them at the check out line, they attend church services with us, their children are in the same school as yours, they are members of our own families, they are anyone we meet at any given time.  Yet to the naked eye they look perfectly happy, unscathed by life's tragedies, they would never understand what I am going through. 

As I listened to my friend's pain today, I realized that so many of us 'suffer in silence' and go about our daily routines as if nothing is wrong.  We smile, we laugh, we look like the average happy person, without a care in the world.  But it is what they said that made me realize that so much happens beneath the surface, when they began to share their story, they realized how many people had traveled the very road they were on.  They we amazed to find out how many people they had known for a long time, who had already been in their shoes.  Had struggled with what to do, how to cope, what to do next, etc.  

In an earlier posting, I shared the importance of finding someone who will just listen, who will let you tell your story.  I was reminded today, how important it is too also open ourselves to others, to share our story, talk about our pain, and to really allow ourselves to be vulnerable.  When I began to tell people that my daughter had died, I was amazed at the number of people I encountered that had been in my shoes.  In some instances I had know these people, I had been with them at events, and watching them, I would never had guessed that they had been down the road I was now on.  When I began to talk about the death of my daughter, I allowed others to share their stories with me.  I learned so much from these people, they shared the ups and downs of their grief, and how with time they learned to accept, but never forget their child.  

 

I was also reminded that grief is not only caused by the death of someone we love, but also because of illness, addiction, divorce, or any circumstance in our life that takes us out of what is normal and routine.  We begin to lose what we know as normal, we begin to lose control of our lives, we are set adrift in a sea of confusion, trying to find a safe place, out of the storms, away from all the uncertainty and pain.  

When we share, we find out that so many have traveled this road before us, they can guide us, let us know what to expect behind the bend in the road, give us the tools to prepare us for that sudden drop, and give us the strength and energy to keep going when the road gets steep.  

It doesn't mean you talk to every person you know, or every stranger you meet, what I am trying to say, is to allow yourself to be open, and you will know when it is the right time to talk.  You will know when it is okay to share your story.  It doesn't mean that everyone will listen to you, you will still encounter people who will react in ways that are least expected.  It simply means you must let yourself trust others enough to share, and be willing to let them share their experiences with you.  

So listen, listen with your heart, and you will hear and see what your ears and eyes can not ever comprehend.  You will begin to see with a heart of love, and understand that we have all been reluctant travelers of many of life's roads.  In the sharing, we allow ourselves to find companions who not only walk with us, but offer to bear some of our load.  

Blessings! and until we meet again. 

'Look at this Photograph'

Family, fun and photographs!  Another holiday weekend comes to an end, and tomorrow it is back to reality.  For some of us it is back to work, for others it will be getting your children onto the school bus or driving them to school.  A true indicator that summer is coming to an end and fall is knocking on it's door.  

We begin to notice that the days are getting shorter, nights are cooler, and you need to keep a sweater or jacket handy when you go out.  It is a time when the leaves start changing colors and eventually begin to fall off the trees and we begin to prepare for the winter months.

Today I began to upload my pictures and put them into the appropriate folders on my computer.  This birthday party, that family gathering, a road trip here and special event there; storing them according to dates and events, keeping all the memories neat and tidy.  It is always amazing to look at your year in review; the photos acting as a chronological diary of everything that was important and worth documenting. 

There is so much truth in the old adage: 'a picture is worth a thousand words.'  When we look at our photographs, we remember the event, the conversations, who was present, why it was important to have been a part of it, and how glad we are that we hadn't missed it. 

As we look through our photos, we may come across those of our deceased loved ones and we may find ourselves reminiscing, longing for those days again, wishing they were here with us just one more time.  As I filed my photos away, I came across my 2006 folders and I began to go through them.  I looked at each photo of my daughter, feeling an emptiness and aching just to hug her one more time.  A couple of years ago I would have needed a whole box of tissues, just to get through a handful of them; now I look at them and remember.  I look at her smile and how her eyes would twinkle when she was having a great time, and recall how much see truly enjoyed life.  

I thank God that I have these memories, and I am reminded of how precious life truly is.  How we often take so much for granted and do not recognize the gifts we have been given.  Life is a collection of memories, good, bad and indifferent, but a collection all the same.  

So collect your memories, remember all those times you shared with your loved ones, and how your life has been enriched because of them.  It may be painful at first to just look at reminders of better times, but eventually they will bring a smile to your face.  When my daughter first passed away, someone suggested I put all her pictures away.  Their argument was that it would be to painful for us to have any photos of Rachel around  the house.  I kept them out and added a few more to my framed pictures, they were welcomed and comforting.  

For some of you that may not be the case, it may be to difficult to have their pictures displayed in your home.  Around the same time my daughter died, another family also lost their daughter and I was told they put all her pictures away, they couldn't bear to look at them, it caused too much pain.   They have since taken out photos of their daughter, but it took a while.  I have said it before and I'll say it again, we all respond differently to our grief, and we all handle it and cope with it in very distinct ways.  What may work for one person, is of little help to another.  We all need to allow ourselves time to accept what has happened and find our way through the maze of emotions, slowly finding what is best for us.  

If only life could be as neat and tidy as our photo albums, with each memory properly filed away.  Keeping everything as it is, but life is not a still photo and even though we capture it's events in pictures, we cannot freeze time.  Life continues to march onward, taking the roads it chooses and leading us to our new destinations.  We can only hope that the memories will provide us with the strength to continue going long after our loved ones have gone.  

So take out your cameras, get those snapshots of life, live it and record it, but most importantly, cherish the moments in your life.  Make those memories and take nothing in life for granted.   

Blessings! and until we meet again.

Title is a line from Nickleback's  'Photograph.'